Ask Joan: Quickies!

Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” column usually presents one detailed question and Joan Price’s detailed answer. Rarely, she assembles a few short questions that need only brief answers: “Quickies.” Please continue to send longer questions — Quickies happen only once or twice a year!

Alcoholic Husband

Q: I’ve been married 42 years to an alcoholic who doesn’t want to quit under any circumstances. My husband gets sexually aroused when he’s drunk. He’s not abusive, but I have lost respect for him and I no longer want to be intimate. He will not go to AA nor see a couples therapist with me. Any suggestions on how to rekindle love and sex with an alcoholic?

A: Is this the life you want? Your husband does not want to stop drinking, and refuses to see a couples therapist or go to AA, which are reasonable — even essential! — requests from you. You can’t change him. Only he can change himself. My advice is not to try to rekindle love and sex, but to find a local Al-Anon program. Al-Anon https://al-anon.org/newcomers/  describes itself as “a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking.” People like you. You’ll hear others’ stories, setbacks, solutions. Al-Anon is not therapy, though, and I recommend combining it with seeing a therapist ourself for guidance on setting your own course. It’s never too late.

Sexually Incompatible?

Q: I am 62, married to my wife for 6 years. We lost our previous spouses and are on our third marriages. I love my wife! The problem is that I can make love 2 to 3 times a day. My wife is happy with every 6 to 8 weeks. I’m starting to feel like I’m not a good person. I apologize for touching my wife at all. I don’t know how to quit feeling guilty for touching her in my sleep. Frustrated!

A: On the surface, it seems that you are not sexually compatible. But I wonder if your wife would be more receptive if she didn’t feel pressure for a quantity of sex that is wildly different from what she prefers. You’re not a bad person for wanting lots of sex, but wanting that from her will only drive you apart and the less she’ll desire sex with you. Try making dates with your own hand when you feel the urge, maybe adding a sex toy (see Shamus MacDuff’s reviews). Have an honest discussion with her about what she wants from your sexual relationship. Examine — preferably with a therapist — whether there’s a middle ground, or not.

Orgasm Concerns

Q: My husband and I are both 77, married 55 years. We’ve been very sexually active all along. During the past month, I have not been able to have an orgasm as usual. I get very excited. I’m wet and feel the stimulation, but somehow I can’t get past that. It’s like I can’t reach the orgasm through my clitoris, despite being aroused. If I let my husband enter me I can sometimes reach an orgasm, but it’s like it’s happening on the inside but not on the outside! I don’t feel frustrated afterwards, so I know something happened, but it’s not the same.

A: The clitoris is a large network of nerve endings mostly under the skin, not just the visible nub. If orgasm feels the same internally as externally, you may be feeling the internal clitoris. However, since this started suddenly a month ago, and you don’t say whether the internal orgasms are strong or weak, please see your doctor about this change. The clitoris is made of erectile tissue, just like the penis. If your clitoris suddenly no longer responds, it could be nerve damage or lack of blood flow, both signs of a medical issue. If a medical problem is ruled out, an external vibrator, especially one of the suction/air pulsation types that are so popular now, could bring back the “O!” in orgasm.

Knee Replacement

Q: I am a woman, 69, six weeks after a total knee replacement. My husband (67) uses penile injections for his erectile issues, which have worked well for us. However, he seems to reach orgasm only doggie style, and I cannot get on my knee at this point.  We tried standing with him behind me, without success. I don’t know why he only orgasms in that position, but I’ve always been willing to accommodate him. But now, I don’t know when the knee will cooperate to do that. Any suggestions?

A: The first person to ask when you can safely and comfortably get on your knees is your doctor. Don’t be shy about asking — doctors need to know that our sexuality is important to us and medical procedures need to include that information. As for your husband only reaching orgasm that one way, what is it about doggie style that creates stimulation like no other? How about lying on your sides with him behind you? Are there other positions that are comfortable for you that you haven’t tried? Suppose you took intercourse off the menu for a while and experimented with other ways to pleasure each other with hands, mouth, sex toys. You might discover a wider world of pleasure!

Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!

• You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
• No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
• Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
• If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners, the newly updated and expanded “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.