Ask Joan: Quickies!!
Normally, my Sex at Our Age column presents one detailed reader question and my detailed answer. Occasionally I switch it up to give you “Quickies”: a few short questions and answers. These are always popular with readers, so here’s another round!
Husband Watches Porn Secretly
Q #1: I caught my 62-year-old husband watching porn and masturbating. I felt shocked and a little sick. Is this normal? We watch porn together, but his doing it in secret didn’t feel right. I can’t get it out of my head. He says he is sorry he hurt me, and he doesn’t do it often. He just felt horny and wanted a quick release. Hope you can give me some advice.
A: It is normal and common to masturbate to porn, even with a vibrant sex life with a desired partner. Your husband explained that sometimes he wants a quick release – that’s not cheating on you or disparaging the intimacy you share. Instead of trying to stop him, try asking him nonjudgmentally what he enjoys about solo pleasuring to porn. He may be indulging a private fantasy, enjoying visual stimulation with scenes you wouldn’t enjoy as much as he does, or just getting a quick, private orgasm. Your reaction is a common one, but I hope you’ll re-examine it and see that it does not need to reflect on or impact your relationship. For more, read “Do People in Couples Have the Right to Masturbate?” by Michael Castleman.
Faking Orgasms, Now Can’t Get There
Q #2: I’m a 60-year-old woman. I have been faking orgasms with my partner of eight months throughout our relationship. I can barely reach an orgasm anymore. What can I do?
A: The first thing to do is stop faking orgasms! By faking, you’re teaching your partner – who wants to please you – to do what doesn’t work. That’s unfair to your lover as well as to yourself, and it guarantees that you won’t have orgasms. Admit to your partner that you have difficulty reaching orgasm, and you’d like to explore new ways to be pleasured. Demonstrate what you do when you self-pleasure. (If you don’t self-pleasure, start! You can’t communicate what you like if you don’t know what that is.) Plan goal-free sensual sessions with your partner to discover how you like to be touched, kissed, stimulated. Incorporate a vibrator. Give feedback about what feels good. Redirect your partner if you’d like something different. Honesty and communication are the keys to good sex.
Alone, and Who’d Want Me?
Q #3: I’m a male, 69, and I still have a sex drive. I haven’t been with a woman for over 20 years. That’s not by choice. I would like to meet someone, but it seems impossible at my age. I know I’m not sexually attractive anymore, and I don’t have much to offer. Maybe I should just throw in the towel. Is there medication available to kill the sex drive?
A: There are plenty of single, sexy women of your age out there. I hear from late-in-life couples all the time who met after they thought their chances were over. You sound depressed, though, and a therapist or psychiatrist can help you. If you think you’re unattractive and sexually undesirable with nothing to offer a partner, you’ll give off those “vibes” when you do meet available women. I’m not going to advise medication to kill your sex drive, but I do advise counseling to understand and change how you see yourself. Please do the work on yourself, guided by a professional, for a chance at the happiness you deserve. Meanwhile, although I know you’d prefer a partner, give yourself the gift of satisfying orgasms with your own hand and perhaps a sex toy specifically made for male pleasure.
No Sex for Three Years
Q #4: I am 63 and haven’t had sex for three years. My husband has had erectile disfunction for ten years. We used to engage in oral sex, but now we don’t even do that. I used to love sex when I was younger, but now I couldn’t care less. Is there hope for me?
A: You say you don’t care about sex now, but in the next sentence, you ask if there’s hope. I can only guess at what you don’t tell me, but I have a hunch that communication is the issue in your relationship as much as the lack of sex. Does your husband know how much you enjoyed oral sex with him, and that you’d like to revitalize that part of your intimacy? Do the two of you know that a rich, joyful sexual relationship does not depend on erections? By not caring any more, do you mean that you don’t feel spontaneous desire? Do you know about responsive desire? I know I’m giving you more questions than answers, but these are important to ask yourself and each other. I recommend my webinars “Great Sex Without Penetration” and “7 Steps to Reclaiming Your Sexual Pleasure” to guide you through the steps to recapturing a sexual connection.
Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication from readers age 60+
Joan Price is the author of several self-help books about senior sex including her newest, “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved,” and the award-winning “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.” Visit Joan’s website and blog and her Facebook page. For senior sex news and tips, subscribe to Joan’s free newsletter.
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Comments
My wife , Joni , and I just discovered you . We’re in our mid 60s and actively working on deepening our sexual connection . Looking forward to learning what you have to offer.
Ronald, I appreciate your comments, but I’d feel more fearful than delighted if a male stranger walked up to me, asked my name, and said I was beautiful. We live in a creepier world than we used to. I’d rather be approached with a comment about some shared perception about where we are together — e.g. “Isn’t this the best coffee shop in town? Everyone’s so friendly here,” then a pause to see if I respond with a strained smile or nod vs. a lively contribution to the conversation. If I engage with you with eye contact and animation, I think it’s fine to proceed with your action list. But if I’m not giving you an enthusiastic response, it’s a no.
What do the rest of you think?
Like “Alone and who would want me” I am alone too. As soon as Boston has concerts at city hall plaza I will be there. And at the Boston Harbor Hotel and at the Lawn on D too. Unlike alone I want to approach women. Spencer Burnett, A man who talks about dating says these 5 things about approaching women.
1. Approach-walk up to her
2. Opener-Hey hows it going? my name is ___. What’s your name?
3. Intention-I saw you and thought you were really beautiful and I wanted to see what you’re all about. She’ll wonder what you’re talking about
and then come up with
4.creative questions like “what kind of music and movies do you like? What do you like to do for fun?” If I want to say something bold, I can take it back by saying “i’m kidding”
5. Ask for the number–I’ve got to take off, but this is fun. We should continue this. Lets exchange numbers and go for a drink on Friday/Saturday. The more specific the better. Always have a thing or place to go to in mind.
Pull away before she does.
Ronald, I appreciate your comments, but I’d feel more fearful than delighted if a male stranger walked up to me, asked my name, and said I was beautiful. We live in a creepier world than we used to. I’d rather be approached with a comment about some shared perception about where we are together — e.g. “Isn’t this the best coffee shop in town? Everyone’s so friendly here,” then a pause to see if I respond with a strained smile or nod vs. a lively contribution to the conversation. If I engage with you with eye contact and animation, I think it’s fine to proceed with your action list. But if I’m not giving you an enthusiastic response, it’s a no.
What do the rest of you think?
I have been helped so much by your book Sex After Grief. It is exactly what I needed to read. My husband died (I hate the term passed away) in June of this year. We had been married 38 years and he was ill for 32 of them, seriously ill for the last 15. It was a relief to get validation for possibly being ready for a new relationship so soon. My brother died suddenly in November 2019, and my sister in law and I have had trouble relating to our very different responses to grief. They were just approaching retirement and looked forward to many happy years ahead. She is very much mourning the life she had planned to share. It is different for everyone.
Thank you
Barbara, it warms my heart that my book helped you. Thank you for sharing that.
What time is this workshop on? It does not say.
Are you talking about my webinars, Doreen? They’re pre-recorded. After you purchase, I send you the link and password and you can watch whenever and as many times as you wish. See https://joanprice.com/webinars.