Ask Joan: Overwhelmed
Joan counsels a spouse overwhelmed by their partner’s demands and fantasies.
A reader asks:
My husband asks for sex every day, sometimes twice a day. I am 72, he’s 75, married 12 years. I love him, but daily sex is too much pressure for me and feels like a chore. I’ve asked him to allow me the space to feel arousal and initiate sex, but that rarely lasts more than a day or two.
He has ED, so we give each other oral and manual stimulation and use toys, and we both usually reach orgasm. Waiting a few days helps us both achieve much more robust orgasms, but his mood suffers if we go more than a day or two without sex.
Fantasies
He keeps a running verbal monologue about watching men or women have sex with me and how this would turn us both on. It arouses him to fantasize aloud what he’d like to see me do or see done to me. He thinks that watching someone penetrate me will make him hard enough to do it himself.
I don’t like the fantasy and have asked him to stop talking about it. I tried three-ways many years ago and I’m really not into it. It scares me to imagine introducing another person into our lives. I’d like him to vary his fantasy to one I would like, but he seems incapable of thinking about other scenarios.
Other issues
We both have physical and emotional issues. He was married three times before me, all to dependent, unstable women. He is a disabled vet with PTSD. This is my third marriage. I was molested as a child and almost gang raped as a young adult. At 19, I got pregnant the first time I had sex by a guy who dumped me. I miscarried alone, not understanding what was happening. After that I became very sexually active for years until I realized that I felt like a sperm receptacle. I had been celibate for 10 years before meeting my husband.
We both have pain and challenging physical limitations, but we make intimacy work. I’d just like to not have to listen to his sex scenarios over and over and not turn sex into a daily chore.
-Overwhelmed by Husband’s Needs
Joan responds:
Your husband’s insistence on daily sex and his fantasy scenarios are unhealthy for you and your marriage. You’re a survivor of sexual trauma and likely still need healing. You should never be forced into more sex than you want or fantasies that you don’t like. Being pestered for sex by a husband who puts his needs and desires ahead of yours is emotionally harmful and sexually distancing.
Handling Fantasy
Your husband needs to understand that he can enjoy his fantasy on his own without imposing it on you. I’d advise him to masturbate alone with his favorite sex toys and fantasies, door closed, when the daily urge strikes. You could be out of the house doing something you enjoy or in another room with your TV or music turned up. Then on a day of your choice, when you’re ready to come together, he keeps his fantasy to himself.
I commend you both for discovering ways that non-penetrative sex satisfies both of you, no erection required. I’m a strong proponent of exactly what you’ve discovered: the joys of oral, manual, and sex toys! But when and how sex happens has to be consensual with boundaries respected — and he’s not respecting yours.
Other Advice
I consulted sex researcher Justin J. Lehmiller, Ph.D., the author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, which I highly recommend. Dr. Lehmiller offers this advice:
First and foremost, he needs to respect your boundaries, full stop. You’re not into his fantasy and have no desire to act it out, so he needs to end the pressure campaign. Repeatedly vocalizing a fantasy he knows you’re not into is a form of sexual coercion. That has to end for things to move forward in a healthy way.
Create a Fantasy for Two
In cases where one partner has a fantasy that the other does not share, I often recommend talking about their fantasies in a different way. Instead of focusing on the details of a very specific fantasy, step back and ask, “How do you want to feel during sex?” What are the emotions and physical sensations that you want or need? That’s a completely different conversation. The goal is to identify each person’s core erotic themes—and once you do that, you can try to build a custom fantasy that meets everyone’s needs. It may not look at all like the specific fantasy that either person has in mind, and that’s OK. The goal is to identify what each person really wants from sex and to build a sex life cooperatively that meets everyone’s needs.
Dr. Lehmiller and I both recommend that you get help from a sex therapist to work through your previous sexual traumas. The two of you would also benefit from speaking to a couple’s therapist about your impasse here and your communication issues.
You’re coping with a lot, and I wish you the best.
Got a Question?
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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
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Comments
Harvey 76.
Looks like a more development of companionship, and general bonding. Doing more together taking themselves away from routine more, expose more topics away from the sex road.
Yes, have fantasies and illusions, yes talk but do not make them the only subject. Expand the thoughts and scope, at the end a simple walk and hug might do better than demands at the kitchen table and resultant frustration when 1 side of the marriage says no.
Good advice Joan . What a mine field ! His demands are unrealistic and, unreasonable. If he needs that much release, Hot Octopus has some great male sex aids for solo pleasure. As far as the fantasy, is that not the # 1 male fantasy ? For him to ask her to go through with his fantasy so that he can watchand it “will make him hard enough to do it himself.” is very telling. ” Narcisisim ? “he seems incapable of thinking about other scenarios.” They need a couples therapist…him especially.
I see problems with your advice. You make like HE is totally the problem. That is unfair and unprofessional! She shares equal responsibility. Is it possible he insist on daily sex, because she insists on increasing the time between sessions, so now he fears she will pull away completely? This will only lead him to be more insistent. To suggest separate, private practices will further drive a wedge between them. Also, did she tell him of her sexual traumas before marriage? My ex didn’t.
Sorry Herbert, but to suggest that he fears her ” pulling away completely” sounds kind of silly to me. “Sex every day, sometimes twice a day ” seems a tad excessive don’t you think.? Is there desire or love on his part or simply his need for release ? It sounds like you may have some experience dealing with a similar problem. So have I , not only with the frequency question, but also the fantasy aspect. What worked for us was TALK…alone with each other, and then with a counsellor.
It works!