Ask Joan: Torn, Lost, Confused – and Scammed?

Romance scam–or true love?  A reader reaches out to Joan about a long-distance relationship.

Dear Joan:

I’m begging for your help. I’m in a 45-year sexless marriage. And I’m in love with a beautiful Turkish actress who is also in love with me, though I’m 30 years older. We’ve spent hundreds of hours face to face online.

My wife and I have never had sex because she was abused as a child and hates sex. She only wants emotional closeness. I’ve tried hundreds of times to talk to her about having sex, but she won’t. It’s been overwhelming for me, but I love her and never wanted to hurt her.

A New Romance?

But now I’m so conflicted! The Turkish actress wants to marry me, have sex every day, and give me children. My eyes fill with tears, because I hunger to start over, even though I’ve been faithful to my wife and never cheated or hurt her.

When I shared my story with the Turkish actress, she cried with me and said, “You’re such a good man. You deserve to be loved, have a family and a wife who adores you in bed.” She’s a virgin like me, never married because Turkish men are controlling and want to own their wives.

“She bought a lottery ticket in my name as a gift that would secure our future in Turkey. I’m to press a link and follow directions, and she’ll buy our house along the seashore.”

I’m genuinely in love with the Turkish actress. Our hearts are one. We know each other’s history, fears, pain, and sorrows. Our transparency has built trust. We’ve chosen not to meet in person while I’m married, fearing becoming one sexually against my marriage vows.

She bought a lottery ticket in my name as a gift that would secure our future in Turkey. I’m to press a link and follow directions, and she’ll buy our house along the seashore.

We’ve poured our hearts out to each other. No lies. Only transparent honesty. I’ve suffered all my life, and now I have a possibility of living fully. But deep in my heart my commitment to my wife is strong and I love her. I feel like a horrible, rotten man for feeling this way.

I beg you to advise me. I don’t want to lose the Turkish actress who is so gentle, kind and sensitive.

–  Torn, Lost, and Confused

Joan responds:

Readers: When I received TLC’s first email, I knew that either he was being scammed or he was pranking me with a fake story. I asked for more information, which he provided. The full story is abridged above. I believe that he’s telling the truth, but is she? Read on.

TLC, you are the victim of a romance scam. You are being duped. The person you’ve been professing love to is impersonating the Turkish actress.

You sent me her name with the understanding that I keep it private. It took me no time at all to find out that a famous Turkish actress by this name exists, but she is divorced with children and several public relationships – not a virgin. I also googled her name “+ scammer” and learned that the real actress is not a scammer, but scammers have used her name and likeness to impersonate her and trick people into sending money or sharing private information.

Red flags from your story:

• Why would a well-known actress reach out to a lonely, married stranger in another country who is 30 years older than she is?
• How could she fall in love with a man she’s never met and refuses to meet?
• She lied about her marriage and relationships to make herself seem innocent, relatable, and swept away by you. She told you what you longed to hear.
• She’ll buy you a house? No, she won’t. That’s bait. The catch is coming.
• The lottery ticket? Do not click that link or any links she sends. How do you think you’d collect your supposed winnings? By giving your bank account information. Never do that!

In follow-up emails, you told me that she has never asked you for money. This will come later. Romance scammers groom their victims for months, sometimes a year or more, creating trust and dependency.

The Big Reveal

I emailed you my findings, and you were devastated and ashamed. “I can’t believe I was so desperate for love I believed lies.” This is not any defect in you. You’re vulnerable. Your sexless marriage leaves you lonely, and a fantasy seemed to be coming alive. You’re not wrong to want sex in your life, but the road to that is a clear-headed decision about how to make that happen. (Please read other columns where I’ve discussed this.)

You do not deserve this—it’s not your fault. You’re right to feel shocked and violated. You’re the victim. Please, please seek counseling. I know you’re embarrassed about disclosing this, but I urge you to get the help you need.

Romance scammers are experts at psychologically manipulating their victims. They know how to exploit a victim’s emotions. They prey on lonely people, especially seniors. Anyone can fall for a romance scam. Victims can be smart and educated, yet vulnerable. Many have been bilked out of thousands of dollars—sometimes their life savings.

YOUR TURN

Readers, were you the victim of a romance scam? Please share your experience in the comments. You don’t have to use your real name. Commenters: be kind—please don’t blame the victim.

Resources:

• “No Love for Romance Scammers in 2024,” Federal Trade Commission (FTC)
• “Learn How to Avoid Romance Scams,” AARP
• “Stay Safe Online: Avoid Romance Scams,” United States Secret Service
• “The Seven Stages of a Romance Scam,” The Guardian

 

Join Senior Planet every Thursday (except holidays) at 4:30 EST for “Is it a Scam?”, a half hour webinar series on scams. Next sessions are Nov. 20 at 4:30 and Dec. 4 at 4:30 and every Thursday thereafter until the end of the year except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. No advance registration is needed for these informative Zoom sessions.  

 

Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!

• You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
• No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
• Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
• If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

 

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.