Ask Joan: Lonely Widower Seeks Intimacy
How can a recently bereaved widower navigate looking for connection and intimacy…and is it too soon?
I am a 73-year-old widower at a life crossroads. My wonderful wife died two months ago, and I miss her deeply. We were married for 31 years. She had several maladies during her last three years, and I cared for her in our home. As her health worsened, our once exciting sexual connection disappeared. I cuddled with her when she could endure touching, and I self-pleasured privately. I missed our sex life terribly. With her gone, I miss it even more. It feels like forever since I’ve had sex with a woman.
Some friends are guilt-tripping me, saying it’s too soon to date while I’m grieving my wife.
More than Just Sex
It isn’t just sex that I want. My wife was scholarly and smart, and I loved our intellectual conversations. I hope to meet age-appropriate, intellectual women living close enough to date. Some friends are guilt-tripping me, saying it’s too soon to date while I’m grieving my wife. I don’t feel guilty. Should I?
Younger family members showed me how to use online dating, and I’ve joined two dating sites. When I read people’s profiles, I worry how to write my own that will be honest and not off-putting. While I don’t want to come across as a needy old man hungering for sex, I am a needy old man hungering for sex! I’m “needy” in wanting to share affection and social fun within a happy sexual relationship.
I’m not interested in a new spouse. I hope to find compatible women around my own age who are not looking for a husband. I want connections to smart women who are willing to share closeness, touch, laughter, and non-committed companionship.
I know it’s important to be honest about who I am and what I seek, but how do I present myself in a profile? If I say that I’m looking for a relationship that includes sex, will that scare away the kind of women I seek? I’m lonely and don’t know if I should feel guilty for doing this so soon, but I very much want to move forward and begin to live again.
– Lonely Widower
Joan responds:
I am sorry for your great loss. I understand your conflict — you want a sexual and intellectually fulfilling relationship, but how do you present this in an online dating profile without alienating the kind of person you want to attract?
I bet you’d get many appropriate responses if you started your profile by slightly reframing what you said above: “Lonely widower, 73, seeks intellectual woman, 65-75, to share closeness, touch, laughter, and non-committed companionship.” When I was a lonely widow poring over online dating profiles, I would have jumped at yours!
You remind me of myself, in fact, when I was grieving my deceased husband mightily, but hungry for connection and touch. Like you, I didn’t want a new committed relationship, but I also wanted to meet only men whom I could enjoy intellectually and conversationally as well as sexually.
Conveying all your needs
How do you convey your desire for sex in a way that won’t scare away the kind of women you want? You’re right that this is a big issue. If you’re direct about wanting sex, you risk sounding predatory and creepy. But if you don’t mention it, you risk wasting time and emotional energy getting to know women who want companionship without sex. (It’s legitimate to want that, but that’s not what you’re looking for.)
It’s all in the language: instead of stating “sex” directly, use words like “intimacy,” “sensual,” “touch.” And here’s the most important part: instead of focusing solely on what you want, convey what you want to give this new person. What’s in it for her if she dates you? Stimulating intellectual conversation? Sensual, consensual pleasure? Maybe you’ll cook for her, or you don’t mind driving after dark? In other words, let her get a sense of what it would be like to date you — and let your personality shine through.
Include that you’re a new widower who cared for your beloved wife through her long illness. Let your love and vulnerability show, as well as your readiness to bring joy back into your life. You’ll attract women who have lost their own partners and are on the same journey. Having this in common will be bonding and a source of deep, intimate conversation.
About the Guilt
Should you feel guilty? No. As I wrote in Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved:
Mourning can start long before death when a partner has an incurable illness. When sex ends long before death, this loss, added to the physical and emotional toll that caregiving takes, can be excruciating. After death—or sometimes before death—sex may happen quickly for the surviving partner.
The caregiver may seem to others to be moving on too quickly, not grieving long enough or correctly. Please know that you’re not grieving wrong if you’re ready to reach out for the comfort of sex and the uplift of a new relationship. You’ve been grieving for a long time already.
I hope you’ll read Sex After Grief, because it will answer many of your questions. May you find the comfort and companionship you seek.
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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
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Comments
Bob: I, also, am 86 and have much the same concerns as you. I have a widow lady I have been friends with for 65 years . Her religious views prevent her from being intimate with me and she is concerned her family will disapprove of her seeing me, even though I remind her we are 84 and 86 and are entitled to do pretty much what we want without asking for approval/permission. Did I mention her husband died in January of this year and my wife died in September? And they were brother and sister
would like to read about experiences in senior independant communitie..starting with in person conversations..want to talk but never offnd anyone, however, don’t want to date for 3 yrs either..well I am 86 and want to skip issues..
There were a couple of issues in his response. First it was his age restrictions. I am 78 but would be excluded. His loss, lol. Secondly, no commitments. Why bother to add this . It detracts from his appeal.
For myself, I am looking for a fun comfortable relationship. That says it nicely.
My advice use AI to write it. Hold back on some details. We all love a good mystery.
Respectfully, if I were a woman looking for a committed relationship, I’d want to know right away that someone doesn’t want that, so I don’t waste my time. If I was looking for the same thing, however, I’d find his honesty very appealing.
He comes across as an intelligent man looking for the same (not just wanting sex) — he definitely doesn’t need AI to write his profile.
If Lonely Widower only wanted sex, I would agree with you. But he also misses conversation, and perhaps other aspects of companionship, which he needs to articulate. After years of caregiving, I love living alone, without the intrusion of aides, therapists or anyone. But I’d like the companionship of a man at museums, theater, movies, dinners without “commitment.”
Definitely, mourning your loss begins during intense caregiving.
It would be wonderful if you could have an online discussion group over Zoom.
Kind of a meet and greet group but in the evenings not the day for those who still work but seek evening companionship, especially for those who are widowed.
I can relate to your comment although not interest dating yet. I am looking for group activities, like attending events. Also live on a lake in rural Va., which is lovely and I have family nearby as well as wonderful neighbors, who I socialize with regularly. Our community has multi generational activities, that I enjoy. Prefer outdoor events, especially music concerts at winerys in season annd play pub trivia weekly. Any suggestions on how I go about seeking this kind of companionship?
WOW ! What a great, all encompassing reply Joan. Lonely widower typifies the feelings of so many of us older folks who loose their long term partners. Your common sense response pretty well says it all. Thank You !