Ask Joan: Husband’s Porn Replaced Me

Joan advises a reader who thinks she’s been replaced by her husband’s porn habit. 

My husband (76) and I (68) have been married 48 years. Until two years ago, we had no problems in our marriage. Now porn has taken my place. I’m not a wife who nags, bitches, or belittles. Our sex life used to be incredible. We did everything sexually we both loved, and I enjoyed pleasuring him in every way. I never turn down intimacy of any imagination. I love to be made love to.

Dramatic Change

But two years ago, I had to be hospitalized with a health issue. A series of big medical problems followed that put me out of commission for a long time. I still need a lot of help from him in daily life. I have urge incontinence, so I wear bladder control pads. He has to help me up and down stairs because I use a walker. All this has taken a toll on my body and our marriage.

All the down time led my husband to use porn secretly. When our daughters take me out, he’s on his phone watching porn. I can’t get around on my own, so when I want to visit friends, he takes me to their house and picks me up a few hours later. He’s using porn the whole time I’m gone.

Porn Habit – or Addiction?

I found this out by snooping on his phone just once. Some porn sites came up. He hadn’t deleted his phone history for three years, so I could track when he watched porn: while I was hospitalized and whenever I was out of the house.

I confronted him. He lied at first, then said he would quit because he understood how it made me feel. He promised no more porn, I haven’t checked, trying hard to trust him, but my stomach turns when I leave him alone.

He can’t tell me why he had to keep it a secret or why he isn’t affectionate anymore — no kissing, no intimacy at all. Not once in last two years has he asked to make love. I’ve told him I’m able. I’ve initiated sex after I promised to try and forgive and forget.

But each time, he has to masturbate to get semi-hard. While I’m orally pleasuring him, he gets hard, but when I tell him I need him inside of me, he loses it. I’ve been trying to put this behind us, hoping he can perform. But there’s no penetration, just some foreplay, then nothing.

He says it’s not me, it’s ED. I say porn took away our intimacy and desensitized him to real-life sex. Give me some insights, please.

Joan responds…

You’ve had a terribly difficult time with many medical issues and lack of intimacy with your husband. This must be painful and disheartening, and I sympathize. But I see your anger as misdirected.

Your husband’s porn viewing is likely not the reason for the lack of sex in your marriage as much as your spying, anger, and shaming of him. You say you never belittle your husband and you’re open to “intimacy of any imagination” — yet you guilt him for turning to porn when your medical issues prevented intimacy.

Whether he has given it up or not, watching porn is completely normal, especially (though not exclusively) for men. He waits until you’re out of the house and he’s alone. That’s discreet and respectful, as I see it. He has a right to privacy, a “zone of erotic autonomy,” as sex advisor Dan Savage calls it.

“Our orgasms don’t become communal property when we get married,” clinical psychologist David Ley, Ph.D. told me. “Each of us is entitled to own our sexuality, so long as we handle it with responsibility, authenticity and integrity.” Ley is the author of Ethical Porn for Dicks, A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure and an internationally known expert on this topic.

I can understand that he doesn’t feel affectionate under the cloud of your anger.

Why the Change

Your husband’s occasional porn viewing is not the reason he’s not responding to you sexually. You tell him you’re trying to “forgive and forget,” yet even now you’re suspicious. You insist that porn caused his ED and the rift in your marriage. How could he not keep it a secret, when you’re clear that you see it as a rejection of you? I can understand that he doesn’t feel affectionate under the cloud of your anger.

Seeing a sex therapist together would help you as a couple. Both of you would benefit from honestly expressing your feelings and coming closer to understanding each other. A therapist could also help you resolve the issues of the changed relationship and your ongoing health issues and need for assistance.

Adjust

I encourage you to adjust your expectations of sex. Your husband’s ED is not caused by porn. Undependable erections are common in men his age. If he gets hard through oral, give him that pleasure. Don’t stop to insist on intercourse. Expecting him to “perform” practically guarantees the opposite. If you want penetration, he can use his fingers or a dildo, paired with a clitoral vibrator if that pleases you. As we age, we need to explore other options for sexual satisfaction. My “Great Sex Without Penetration” webinar would be helpful to you.

Your Turn

If porn has been an issue between you and your partner, how have you resolved it?

 

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.