Ask Joan: So Frustrated!!

At 70, I am in a yearlong relationship with a man, 72. I can bring myself to climax, but I don’t with him. He thinks he is a good lover and he has a set way of proceeding. He pleasures me to arousal and then goes on to have his orgasm when my sensations and enjoyment are at their height. But I would like to climax, too! Afterwards, I’m too wired to sleep. I’ve suggested looking at other ways to make love, but he is traditional, and although he knows how to arouse me, he is unwilling to consider other ways than intercourse for the finale. “I am who I am,” he says.

At first…

At first he was attentive and arousing. When we realized I wasn’t going to orgasm, he focused more on his own pleasure. He comes each time in the end. (I don’t.) During our lovemaking before penetration, I am very aroused by his caressing and pleasuring my breast (just one due to a mastectomy) and my clitoris. Although penetration is pleasant, it is not very arousing. I worry that I am taking too long to climax, so I give up.

Practical Issues

On a practical level I have a very long vagina, and he has a short penis. My orgasms have happened at the cervix level. Is this common? Is that the problem that can’t be fixed? I’ve found it difficult to orgasm in other relationships, too.

I don’t like vibrators or porn. I sometimes orgasm through pleasuring myself, but it is very slight and unsatisfying. I don’t share my sole pleasure times with him as he does not agree with masturbating!

At an Impasse

We have come to an impasse and he has stepped back sexually. We are now just chums! In other respects we are compatible and get along well. It is just the lovemaking that I want to improve. I’m dismayed and picking up old habits of giving up any possibility of having orgasms. I don’t know what to do so that I can find fulfillment—last chance before I get too old. Maybe it’s too late already!

– So Frustrated

Joan Responds

Let me get this straight: Your guy does not “believe in”—meaning he’s unwilling to incorporate into your lovemaking—masturbation, sex toy use, and any alternative ways to bring you to orgasm other than what brings him to orgasm. In other words, he’s getting his, and you’re supposed to align your body’s responses to what works for his body.

“I am what I am,” he says. I read that to mean, “I do not prioritize your pleasure except to get you aroused enough for intercourse. As for orgasm, you’re on your own, but don’t masturbate or use toys because I don’t ‘believe’ in it.”

Joan’s Suggestions

I’ll give you some suggestions, but I must say that I don’t hold out much hope. Unlike a light bulb, he has to be willing to change, and it sounds like he’s not.

Most women’s orgasm stimulation center is the clitoris rather than the cervix, but some women do have cervical orgasms. That sounds like your proven path to climax. You say you don’t like vibrators, but vibration increases blood flow and sensation and facilitates easier orgasms. I suggest trying a penetrative vibrator—a dildo with a motor. Let’s accept pleasure helpers where we find them and normalize their use during partner sex as well as solo!

If your partner can let go of his restrictions about what sex should be, a penis extension/hollow dildo that he wears over his own penis via a hip harness would give you the penetration depth you like best. Find these in local or online sex toy shops. That way he’s penetrating you with the length you need.

But the simplest way to make your orgasm more likely is to add a dildo of the size you prefer or a penetrative vibrator (described above) to the pre-intercourse pleasuring that he already does. You can show him how you like to masturbate or guide him in discovery with words, sounds, and gestures.

But…

I know! He already said no in advance to everything I’m suggesting. I’d tell him, “This is what my body needs.” If he refuses to learn and explore, I think it’s time to say, “This isn’t working. I do not accept a sexual relationship that goes only one way, where my orgasm doesn’t matter. I need to move on to seek the pleasure I want and deserve.”

I worry that you’re so demoralized and afraid that you’re aging out of the possibility of finding a sexually satisfying relationship that you’re settling for a dismal future. I hope you’ll show him this column and gauge from his reaction whether he’ll work on making sex better for you or you need to find what you need elsewhere. Don’t accept what you don’t want because you fear you can’t find what you do want. That’s not true—it’s not too late. Many of us—myself included—can attest to that.

YOUR TURN

Readers: Have you successfully negotiated a relationship that wasn’t sexually satisfying? Have you left a sexually frustrating relationship that was unlikely to change? I hope you’ll share.

Want to ‘Ask Joan?”

Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!

• You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
• No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
• Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
• If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
• Joan receives hundreds of emails each day at the sexpert mailbox; it is impossible for her to send an acknowledgement for every email she gets.

 

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.