Ask Joan: Frustrated and Stuck

Dear Joan:  I’m 71 and my wife is 73, together for 22 years. I’m desperately searching for a way to still have some sex life when her enthusiasm has waned to zero.

Our sex was the best of my life when we first got together. The combination of her intelligence, her accomplishment level, and our adventuresome, enthusiastic sex was mesmerizing. Now her sexual desire is gone. She rarely wants to pleasure me, either. If I’m lucky and really sweet, I get a hand job every few months.

She says her lack of interest is mostly due to hormonal, physical changes. She is dry, so penetrative sex is painful. I respect that, but it doesn’t explain the lack of interest in other forms of physical pleasuring for her or for me. I’ve given her one of your books to read. She says she will, but she doesn’t.

I think this is more about our relationship issues. We quarrel frequently. She’s very critical, a perfectionist. I’ll admit to being somewhat inattentive.

Neither of us wants to end our marriage, but we have this huge gap in sexual desires. What do I do? I masturbate a lot and that’s okay. But I still crave female attention, touch, and a beautiful body to play with. I’m thinking that I need to find a friend with benefits (FWB). I’d prefer to do so with my wife’s approval, but I find it hard to raise the issue with her. Years back, she found out I’d paid for sex and was really angry. I feel like she’s withholding sex but also won’t approve my getting it elsewhere. Although not ideal, maybe a FWB arrangement that is not up front but becomes tacitly acknowledged might be the best.

I have not brought up the question of her agreeing to another sexual connection for me. I’ve decided that it’s better to go with “Don’t Ask; Don’t Tell” (DADT) for now. She doesn’t ask how I satisfy my urges. My fear is that if I say, “This is what I need—with someone else if you can’t or won’t,” she’ll see it as confrontational and a kind of ultimatum. I don’t want to have that big fight. What do you think?

—Frustrated and Stuck

Joan responds:

Several problems contribute to the lack of sex in your marriage. Your wife’s hormonal changes rule out penetrative sex. As you realize, there are many other ways to give each other sexual pleasure. (See my webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration.”) But you say that these don’t appeal to her, either.

You state that your wife has no sexual desire. If she wanted advice, I’d offer suggestions such as understanding responsive vs. spontaneous desire and tips for bringing the spice back into the bedroom. But there’s no evidence that she wants a sexual relationship with you, from what you write.

That leads us to the problems in your relationship apart from sex. These conflicts need work before anything sexual can change. If you’re “very sweet,” you might get a hand job every few months. I suggest working on being more attentive and caring all the time, not just when you’re trying to get sex.

It’s a Two-Way Street…

I’m not putting it all on you. You say she’s critical and a perfectionist. Anger is a strong turn-off for sex, as well as for a loving relationship. Have you discussed with her what would improve your relationship? What would each of you like from the other in day-to-day behavior? Take turns asking, listening, and acknowledging what you hear. If that leads to another argument, you need help guiding that discussion. I earnestly recommend couples counseling.

DADT?

Yes, you deserve an outlet for your sexual needs, and what do you do when your wife is unwilling? Your understanding of DADT is incorrect. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is a specific non-monogamy agreement where partners consent to going outside the relationship for sex discreetly and not discussing it. Doing it your way, however — getting sex outside the marriage without your wife’s knowledge at all — isn’t DADT. It’s cheating. You were already caught when you hired a sex worker. What will happen if you follow this course and she finds out?

Try This Approach Instead

You fear that a discussion will sound “confrontational and a kind of ultimatum” and lead to a big fight. What if you approached her this way:

“I understand that you don’t want sex with me anymore. I’d love to try to reclaim our sexual bond. If that can’t happen, I still need an outlet for my need for touch and sex. Could we talk about what you would accept? Suppose I get my needs met discreetly in a way that you won’t learn about. In other words, you won’t ask and I won’t tell. Can we discuss how we can make that work?”

Again, a sex therapist or a sex-positive counselor can help you through this. The fact is that you aren’t willing to give up the pleasures of sex — nor should you be! — and you need to find a resolution. I hope you can do that within your marriage, with guidance. I wish you the best.

 

YOUR TURN

What would you do in this situation?

 

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.