Ask Joan: Do online dating men only want sex?

This is simply how 99% of men are designed starting from puberty. It is all because of testosterone, most men have too much testosterone starting from puberty and after there 20’s they are trained to hunt for woman willing to have sex. Although, there are less than 1% of men that are not this way at all because since puberty they have always had a low amount of testosterone. This is how to spot a man like this. He is usually short, not masculine, has small neck, no visible Adams apple.

I am completely amazed that most of the older women who have posted still do not understand that pair-bonding is primal in nature. While love is a conscious choice, attraction, chemistry, lust, and limerence are all primal in nature. These aspects of life are controlled by the same part of the brain that controls the autonomic system. We cannot will ourselves to be attracted to a person no matter how perfect he/she is on paper no more than we can hold our breath indefinitely. To further complicate things, men and women are driven to pair-bond for very different reasons. Any woman or man who fails to understand those differences is setting herself/himself up for disappointment and failure.

The reality is that women are the gatekeepers to sex. Obtaining sex is no big deal for most women, which is why they think sex is cheap. Most women have been fighting off male advances since puberty. That is not remotely true for the average man. Women like to think that sex is easy for men to obtain, but that is only true for the top 20% of men.

Men are the gatekeepers to commitment. Men experience almost no resistance to wanting commitment from an interested woman, but they have to work for sex. The lack of books written about obtaining commitment is close to nil for men whereas books on this subject targeted at women litter bookshelves. That difference alone should set off alarms in the average single woman’s mind.

With that out of the way, let’s look at pair bonding from evolutionary psychology point of view. Women almost always date with the goal of establishing a long-term relationship. Sure, there are times when women are open to a fling, but they do not need to date to have a fling. Why do women date with the goal of a long-term relationship? It is quite simple. Compared to men, women are quite fearful creatures. They should be because the average man is 5″ taller and 50lbs heavier than the average woman. Plus, he carries most of the extra weight above his shoulders, so he has substantially more upper body strength.

Put plainly, a woman’s most basic primal need is to feel safe and secure. That is why male height is a female mate primal selection trigger. The preference for men who are taller/larger than average is driven by a woman’s primal need to feel safe and secure from unwanted advances from other men. Contrary to what a lot of whining men say, this preference has nothing to do with socialization. The same thing can be said about a man’s status. How many women are willing to date down in social class? Not many! A man’s ranking within a social hierarchy is also a female primal mate selection trigger. These primal triggers exist for a woman’s survival and that of her offspring.

Now, men do not have the same primal mate selection triggers because men have traditionally made their own way in addition to providing safety and security for women and children. Accept it or not, a man’s most basic primal need is to procreate the species. A heterosexual man’s top-two primal mate selection triggers are a woman’s bust size and her hip-to-waist ratio, which are visual cues to being able to nurse and survive child birth. Furthermore, a woman can only bear only a limited number of children at a time, but a man can impregnate multiple women at a time, so there is no instinctive drive to stay with just one woman. That practice is controlled in modern society via socialization.

We are no longer cave dwellers, but primal instinct that was selected under pressure during that periods controls the pair-bonding dance to this day. It is all about ensuring the survival of our individual genes. A woman ‘s highest probability of passing on her genes is by ensuring the survival her offspring. A man’s greatest chance of ensuring the survival of his genes is to impregnate as many women as possible. By doing so, it does not matter if he does not provide safety and security or provisioning. He wins by sheer numbers.

Let’s get something crystal clear. All, and I do mean all able-bodied men are driven to date by the desire to have sex with a fun partner. A relationship for most men is a side effect of seeking sex. To quote a popular dating coach, men look for sex and find love. For heterosexual men, that means sex with a woman, a gender for whom sex is easily obtained; therefore, it is cheap. The only older men who are dating without sex being the driver are men with health problems who are looking for a nurse with a purse. Few older women are interested in these men.

Finally, women, and I do mean at least 80% of the women who are on dating sites focus their attention on the top 20% of the men on dating sites. They do so because they consider the other 80% of the men to be less than average when it comes to attractiveness (a statistical anomaly because only half of anything can be less than average). This data was presented by OkCupid Research a few years ago. I was clearly in the top 20% of men when I was on the dating sites from age 55 to age 57 (I fooled and around and fell in love so to speak, so that ended my dating site days). I went on over 100 meet-and-greets during that period and the number could have easily been at least double that figure if I had not grown to be incredibly selective (not to mention tired of meet-and-greets). Furthermore, I discovered that women who had clearly posted that they were not interested in “hooking up” or an FWB were more than willing to strip down to bare flesh on the first date with me (I am talking about unsolicited offers), so men are not the only gender that is guilty of wanting to hookup. The only difference between the genders is that men are far less selective when it comes to hooking up. My experience online was so radically different than that of my peer-age male single friends that I had to figure out why, which led to understanding that pair-bonding is primal in nature. It does not matter how old we get. Primal instinct is in control of who we find attractive. That is why we do stupid things when we are under the spell. For men, that means who they will pursue. Yes, the desire to pursue is primal instinct.

I was widowed just over a year ago and decided to try online dating for the first time. After 3 days of messaging, I decided it wasn’t for me as there were so many men who just went headlong into talking about sex. However I did continue messaging outside the site, someone who sounded very decent. We spoke on the phone and he sounded genuine. We arranged to meet for dinner that night (this is day 3 after I started online on dating site). He was very keen on me after dinner, said that I was better than I portrayed online etc. Full of compliments, but not at all creepy. All very charming and gentle. He wanted to meet again the next evening, so I agreed and he came round to my place for a couple of hours. We sat on the settee and chatted about all sorts of things, and we clicked. We had a cuddle and a kiss, and he said goodbye. He messaged me 3 times a day, and 3 days later came to see me again. We went out for dinner, came back to mine and “relaxed with Netflix”. One thing led to another, and he ended up staying the night. The next morning, he said he had to go, and we arranged that I’d go to his place to stay the next day. I never heard from him the rest of the day, nor the next, he never replied to any of my messages and he never opened them anyway. Then I just messaged and asked him if he still wanted me to come over, and he then very quickly replied that he was working and there was no point. That was the last I heard from him. This experience has left me feeling cheap and dirty, like a hooker. Never at any point did I think he was a conniving man, but in hindsight, he’d planned the whole thing. He was seriously gentle and lovely. But the way he just dumped me was heartless and cruel, to someone he knew was naive and vulnerable after losing my husband. And all for one night of sex? It is really a depraved society if men can only see women for one thing. I am worth more than that. But he made me feel otherwise.

Sorry one more thing I saw the comment about COVID and that is a problem too I went on my first “Date” since COVID and he took took me back to his place and I was like I thought we were going to dinner? and he said sorry we cant because of COVID even though restaurants are open half capacity where I live. I just thought like he was using the COVID as a way to be cheap and creepy.

Not yet 60 though pushing it….but look ten years younger. Same experience. The last guy, who I was quite taken with at first, asked me for online sex in the first conversation….because COVID precludes the real thing, he said. Say what? You want me to WHAT? Nooooo…. I cannot imagine it without laughing hysterically. Do women actually do this? If so, why?!!! If we all said no, they’d have to up their game, eh? I think there are a lot of very shallow men out there, who are emotionally immature and afraid of true intimacy, which is physical, emotional and, possibly, intellectual. There are a few who aren’t, but it is so exhausting looking for them. Maybe better to invest time and energy in Lovehoney! Less complicated and, in my experience, more satisfying!