Ask Joan: Desperate Husband
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A reader writes:
Help! I suffer from depression brought on by my work but enhanced by my wife of 37 years. I adore her, but she’s withheld sex from me for the last four years. I’ve tried to be understanding, but I can’t stand it anymore. The lack of love she shows me leaves me crying much of the time. I feel betrayed. I didn’t marry her to be a monk!
I’ve asked for an explanation, but she just says no. I’ve asked her to get medical help, nothing. She gets angry if I watch porn or if I masturbate. I’m ready to leave her. I can’t stand this loneliness anymore.
I’ve had severe illnesses, medical conditions, and surgeries. Although she helps me while I’m healing, I don’t feel any love coming from her. I asked her if she loved me and she cried, asking me how I could think she didn’t. I’m scared she had an affair and caught something she doesn’t want to give me so she’s avoiding sex, but I don’t know.
I’m also peeved that she takes off drinking with her girlfriends — all older, widowed ladies. They’re sweet ladies, but I feel her behavior is inappropriate.
As angry as I am, I still love her so much! But don’t I deserve more? I’ve given her everything I could. My birthday is coming up. I’ve told her I want nothing but her. If she makes no attempt, I plan on divorcing her. I have no one to turn to for advice. Help me, please!
Desperate Husband
Joan replies:
Your situation is heart-wrenching. You are clearly in emotional pain. You’re challenged by depression, anger, and the kinds of medical issues (you listed them, but I obscured them to preserve your anonymity) that make us face our own mortality. For four years, your wife has refused sex with you and won’t tell you why or what you can do to improve things.
I can’t tell you how to unwind the years of lack of intimacy, but I urge you to get couples counseling if you want to save your marriage. You can’t resolve your wife’s refusal to explain why she won’t be sexual with you, your anger and depression, and the constant friction between you — without professional help. You don’t say whether you’re getting help for your depression. Whether or not your wife will talk to a professional with you, you need to do that on your own.
I can’t know what is in your wife’s mind. Three possibilities come to mind:
- She sees herself as your caregiver more than your partner. This is a common reaction when one person is ill for a long time and depends on the other for care.
- She is defending herself against your depression, demands, tears, and anger by withdrawing emotionally and sexually.
- You say you have no one to give you advice. She may be exhausted being the only person you talk to.
I’m not blaming you for any of these, please understand, just trying to unravel what your wife’s point of view might be. As a couple, you’re in a self-defeating spiral. Please get counseling!
Huge Issues and some help
You have huge issues, but here are a few simpler concerns I can help you resolve:
- You’re right that you didn’t agree to be a monk. You can’t talk your wife into having sex with you if she doesn’t want to, but you absolutely have the right to watch porn and masturbate as sexual outlets. In fact, regular orgasms are mood lifters, which you sorely need.
- Your wife has the right to get out of the house and spend time with her friends. There’s nothing “inappropriate” about women having a few drinks together and blowing off steam. If your concern is that she’s putting herself and you in danger of covid, that’s different. Does she meet her friends in a bar (which is unsafe), or outdoors using safety precautions?
- You have no evidence that your wife had an affair and got a sexually transmitted infection. From what you’ve said, she spends her time caring for you and only gets out to see her friends. Your suspicion is adding poison to your problems.
Instead of demanding sex on your birthday or you’ll divorce her, how about asking for this gift instead:
“I know our marriage is at a breaking point. The best birthday present you could give me is to sit down with me and talk honestly about how you feel about our relationship and what we can do to make it better. Our barriers are killing our marriage. I know we need professional help to understand each other and learn to talk without anger. Can we please make a start with an honest conversation? I promise to listen without interrupting except to clarify. I hope you’ll do the same. I love you and I entreat you to help me save our marriage.”
I hope you’ll figure out your version of that request and either practice saying it or put it in writing. I wish you the best.
Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication from readers age 60+
Joan Price is the author of several self-help books about senior sex including her newest, “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved,” and the award-winning “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.” Visit Joan’s website and blog and her Facebook page. For senior sex news and tips, subscribe to Joan’s free newsletter.
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Comments
I need the physical intimacy and to be desired and sex is something I enjoy and I feel like she is withholding it. I get angry, then sad and depressed . I need someone to love
Hello D.S I’m new to this group, and can feel for you , sounds like me talking. Wish i had the answer. We all need to love and be intimate I have been denied sex for 10 years and have cried and felt alone, I’ve been married for 38 years and do still love my wife. The feelings i get make me sad, i look at porn then i feel sad that I’ve looked, i masturbate feels good but then sad as it betrayed my wife. I’m able to boast my mode by my hobby. But would love to have someone to confide in
We were next door neighbors, high school sweethearts got married in 80 still my dream girl. really .. I think she is the most beautiful thing that walks and talks. I am deeply in love with her but I cant have her. Its been somewhere around 10 yrs with no intercourse.we are 60 years young. And I fully understand what menopause has done to her and taken from us . We have had an exceptionally hot and over the top sex life. could give her orgasms all day and all night , oral and other wise. We have never been with others. We learned together. grew up together , had two kids together , raised them and now we are alone together. But she has had real bad pain from us trying. She tuned sex out. She loves me deeply but has associated sex with pain and tuned it out. I would never drem of leaving her but I have dreamed of having an affair.I just cant do that to her , or me. She says she feels like half a woman. When I touch her nipples the give her a bad buzzing sensation that makes her retract and hold her breasts then cry. I feel so awful bad for her. There is no help it seems her dr and her womans dr have both retired. new drs say try this cream , or use lube. They dont get it. They dont know. Ive looked in her eyes when I touch her and she recoils. Its real. I have good insurance and we both have good jobs. what do we do ? its like the song. “Have you ever wanted someone so bad, have you ever wanted some one you just could’nt have” def leopard. this is our band. Our song used to be “Pour some sugar on me ” how sad. Is this what growing old is like ? I want my money back . lol
As a 79 year old woman married for 31 years, I understand why the wife might be uninterested in sex. But even though I have no desire, I always am happy to make love to my husband because it gives him such pleasure. Just the physical contact even if there is no climax is rewarding. So I’m guessing his wife fell out of love and just finds the thought of pleasuring him unpleasant. Not sure there’s anything that can fix that, so I’d say divorce and seeking the company of other women might be the way to go.
Four years?
I’m gone.
And I know you folks will not post this.
And all the women will hate my guts.
All part of life:)
Your advice was excellent and I sincerely hope they seek counseling. I have to admit, when I saw that they ad been married 37 years…my first thoughts were
1) maybe she is going through menopause or has finished and her sexual desire is gone.
2). was sex enjoyable before for both of them? Did they have open communication, try new things, watch porn together?
A couple married that long is probably in their late 60s or early 70s, and raised during a time period when “good girls” weren’t suppose to enjoy sex and the missionary position was standard.
As someone who was married for 36 years (together 39)…I was bored and never-ever had an orgasm during intercourse. I gently suggested things to my Ex, brought home books, suggested therapy for his PE problem, etc. For reasons only he knows, he refused. We would have oral sex which was somewhat enjoyable, but his moves were so predictable, I could set a watch by how long he did this or that.
When he started snoring, had restless leg syndrome, and would tosh and turn so much I would sometimes get hit….I left our bed and slept in the guest room. I felt like I was living with an old roommate.
My thoughts exactly – maybe menopause is making her feel unattractive or making sex uncomfortable. Does she know about lube and sex toys? Is he a selfish or poor lover? Does he smell or have unattractive qualities and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying? I’ve been married 37 years (together 41) and we’re just 60 – plenty young enough for an active and exciting sex life.