Ask Joan: Couple Seeks Intimacy

We’re a married couple – let’s call us Daniel (80) and Danielle (77) – writing to you together. We’ve been knocked down lately by medical events that have destroyed sex and intimacy as we knew it. What do we do instead?

Dear Joan:

We’ve been married 20 years. We’ve always been sexually active, good communicators, open to changing our sexual activities according to our bodies’ new needs as we age. We know to emphasize goal-free pleasure and de-emphasize intercourse in favor of the many other ways we arouse each other and give each other orgasms. Whatever hits us, we do everything we can think of to stay intimate, whether or not full-blown sex is possible. We’ve always been able to adapt to the various aches and pains and limitations on what our bodies can do. But now? Life feels overwhelming.

Here are our problems, purposely avoiding specifics so our friends who read this column won’t recognize us:

Danielle: I’ve had serious injuries and illnesses, seemingly one after another, with slow healing that seems to take forever. I’ve had entire months when my body couldn’t function normally. I want to please Daniel even when I don’t feel I can be sexual myself. It’s daunting to try to find some way I can give that to him in my condition during those times.

Daniel: I have severe joint issues and nearly constant discomfort. Some of these issues will slowly heal with time and treatment. Some might not, a few are definitely chronic. Nevertheless, my desire is strong and I masturbate privately. I want to have sex with my beloved wife. She offers to please me in whatever way we can manage, but is that fair? I’ve always valued her orgasms over my own and I don’t want a one-sided sex life.

Both: We feel like we have more roadblocks than options. We really miss the easy intimacy we used to share, which was bound into our active sex lives. What can we do to find our way back?

• Daniel & Danielle

JOAN RESPONDS:

Good for you. You’ve been doing everything right all along – keeping open minds, adapting as your bodies change, focusing on giving and receiving pleasure in the bodies you have now, rather than trying to recapture ways that used to work but don’t anymore. Now you’re faced with insistent medical problems that stop you from enjoying even the expanded forms of sex and intimacy that worked so well. Here are some ideas:

Touch each other. Are there ways you can touch each other that feel good? Relaxing? Sensual? No goals, though of course if arousal happens, keep touching! Even helping each other bathe and applying moisturizing lotion afterwards can be intensely intimate and sensual.

Lie down together. Make opportunities throughout the day to simply lie down in or on the bed, both of you in comfortable positions. Hold hands and talk about anything at all. It’s not sex, but it is intimacy. You may find that you like having all your conversations this way, whether your bodies hurt or not.

Welcome masturbation. Daniel, would it work for you to have Danielle watch from a comfortable position while you pleasure yourself to orgasm? You’ll find it a bonding experience — and likely exciting for both of you.

Take turns. If you don’t already do this, try alternating who pleasures whom instead of finding one activity or position that works for both of you. The person receiving sexual attention relaxes in a comfortable position. Then after nurturing the person’s orgasm (if it happens) and afterglow for a while, it’s the other person’s time to receive. This works beautifully even if you’re not hurting or injured.

Use vibrators. Arousal and orgasm happen much faster and more reliably with a vibrator’s assist. Danielle, would you enjoy lying comfortably and having Daniel caress or otherwise stimulate you while you use a vibrator on yourself?

Communicate. This is the most important part. Ask each other questions like these as a regular practice:

• “What hurts and what works today?”
• “How can I pleasure you today, given our reality?”
• “Can we just lie down together under the covers and feel close for a while – no goals, no expectations?”

Believe me, I know how challenging this is. Over the past 10 months I’ve personally endured a broken neck (3 fractures!) in a car crash, a meniscal tear from overzealous dancing, and most recently, an infection that required a powerful antibiotic with horrid side effects. My partner has been trying for almost four months to get his hip replacement scheduled. Like Daniel, he is in constant discomfort or pain.

Like you, we felt battered by trying to maintain our intimacy, especially when sex was impossible. We discovered these ways that really helped us. I hope they help you, too. My partner wants to tell you, “Never stop random hugs, kisses, light touches, shared laughter, and other forms of caring intimacy.”

YOUR TURN

Readers: Have you figured out ways in your own life to maintain intimacy and a sexual connection during health challenges? Tell us in the comments.

 

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners, the newly updated and expanded “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.