Ask Joan: Compare…and Despair

Joan counsels a woman who worries that size matters.

 

A reader asks:

My boyfriend (61) and I (60) met three years ago. I wasn’t attracted to him at first, but we were extremely compatible and became close friends. Recently he asked for more than friendship. We became lovers. When we had sex for the first time, I was shocked at how small his penis was — so small that I couldn’t feel when he was inside me. I lubricate a lot, which doesn’t help.

He enjoys giving me pleasure and watching me orgasm with his fingers inside me or with oral sex. It’s nice, but not earth shattering. My last boyfriend blew hot and cold, couldn’t commit to a relationship, but it was the best sex I’ve ever had. He was hard, huge, and loved penetrative sex like I do. How can I not compare and despair?

I was in a long marriage which was sexless for the last 12 years. I thought my libido was gone for good at 52. I have enjoyed sex more post-divorce than I ever imagined! However, these partners were short term. I fear being stuck once more in a sexless or unfulfilling relationship. But a future of hot, sexy men who disappear in three months is not what I want, either.

Other than sex, he is everything I need in a boyfriend: tender, loving, reliable, and communicative. He wants a healthy relationship with me. He’s sensitive, and bringing up his penis size is not something I could do. But good sex has been a priority for me since my divorce, rightly or wrongly, and I don’t want to settle again. I’m weighing if it’s a deal breaker for me. Does that make me a shallow person? Is it possible to have all our needs met in one person?

–  Conflicted

Joan Responds:

You’re not shallow for prioritizing sex and wanting to experience the kind of sex you crave. Can you have everything in one person? Maybe not. Do you have to break up with your otherwise ideal boyfriend to get what you need? No.

You’ll find this problem addressed on the Internet in various ways: accept your partner as he is; find the position for deepest penetration, e.g. doggy style or cowgirl; understand that the vagina adapts to any size penis; clitoral not vaginal nerve endings trigger orgasm. There’s nothing wrong with that advice, but I don’t think it goes far enough. The fact is that at age 60, with your sex history, you know what works for you and what doesn’t.

Joan’s Solution

I suggest a three-pronged approach:

• Communicate
• Improve the sex you’re having
• Consider a non-exclusive relationship

Communicate

The first step to better sex is always communication. You say he’s communicative and wants to please you, but you fear telling him the problem because he’s sensitive. He knows how big his penis is. He does what he understands will bring you to orgasm in other ways. Yes, he might be hurt that you yearn for a different kind of sex, but there are gentle ways to approach the subject. Calvin Hauer, LMFT, a therapist who specializes in working with sexual concerns, suggests a conversation starter like this: “I’m needing a particular kind of sexual expression that we’re not yet achieving. I bring this to you because I value our connection and trust you with my sexuality.”

What do you really need from him? Might you be coming from a place of fear that your choices are an idealized partner who doesn’t meet your sexual needs vs. settling for temporary partners who only fulfill you when naked? Are there ways you can eroticize your current partner?

Improve the Sex You’re Having

If you need a different kind of stimulation — large and hard — it’s certainly possible to make your sexual interaction more satisfying for you. Explore penetrative sex using a penis enhancer or strap-on dildo that your partner wears. Or have him use his hand holding a large dildo or vibrating toy to penetrate you. Intercourse is just one form of penetrative sex. A trusted local or online sex toy store can expand your possibilities.

Consider a Non-Exclusive Relationship

If you try these options and still need the penetrating tool to be a live body part, I fear that an exclusive relationship with this partner won’t be sustainable. An open relationship is an alternative. You can love each other, have sex together, and by agreement, have permission to seek hot sex occasionally with short-term partners outside of the relationship.

You might suggest a “don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT) arrangement where he consents to you having safer sex with others when you need to, but he doesn’t need to know any specifics. Discuss boundaries that will make him feel more comfortable, e.g. no overnights, no public dates — whatever you agree on.

Communication (Again!)

I recommend a sex therapist to help you through the initial conversation and the options you decide to pursue. It’s fine to say, “Absolutely not!” to any of the ideas here that won’t work for the two of you, but I hope these suggestions will help you discover your own solution. I hope you’ll let us know!

What about you?

Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!

• You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
• No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
• Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
• This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
• If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

 

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.