Ask Joan: Can’t Trust Spouse

Joan counsels a wife with trust issues.

My husband and I have been married for 28 years. From seven years into our marriage, he could no longer get erections. Of course I thought it was my fault. My first marriage had ended because my husband had a child with a woman he had an affair with, so it’s hard for me to trust, though I want to so badly. But last New Year’s Eve, I caught my husband looking at a woman’s crotch. He was so engrossed that he didn’t even notice that I had walked in. I told him that he had to get help before I would consider rekindling what we once had. He went to sex therapy for six months, then he felt done.

I just wanted all this to go away, but I did insist that he put Net Nanny on his computer, which he agreed to do. After two years that application went away, I am not sure when or how. He was not being honest with me at times. When I noticed that he was pulling away from me, he divulged that he had gone back to that dark space. I really have a hard time with someone who lies to me because I went through that with my first husband. It’s painful. All I am asking for is complete honesty. Is that a big ask?

No More Trust

With the Epstein issue and all of the horrific acts that these people are doing, I don’t believe that I’ll ever trust a man again. I see myself as a kind and thoughtful person, but I do not want to invest in a losing proposition such as having a relationship with a man, because I believe men are incapable of honesty and loyalty.

As it stands right now, we’ve agreed to a one-year separation. But I am thinking that during our separation, he will only become more involved in that dark world. I welcome any thoughts or recommendations

-Wife Who Can’t Trust Husband

Joan responds:

You mention that your husband stopped having erections seven years into your marriage. Was his problem diagnosed? Did he see a doctor about it at all? You just say it was your fault. (I sent you follow-up questions, but you didn’t respond.) There are many medical issues that can result in ED, and they need to be diagnosed. Relationship conflicts and anxieties also interfere with erections, so I’m not ruling that out, only alerting you that a medical diagnosis is the crucial first step. You also didn’t mention whether the two of you have pivoted to other forms of sex that don’t require an erection. Or has there been no sex at all for 21 years?

Tough Love

Now for your main concerns, and I apologize in advance that this will come across as harsh.

For readers who may not know, Net Nanny and similar apps are designed for parents to put on their children’s computers and phones to block unapproved internet viewing. A parent can monitor the child’s surfing, block pornography, and receive alerts when access to porn or other off-limits content is attempted. Can it be used on a husband rather than a child? It can. Should it be? There might be extreme cases, but in yours (acknowledging that all I know is what you’ve told me), no.

Your husband is an independent human being. Everyone looks at attractive people around them, and I’ll guess that on New Year’s Eve, the object of his gaze was nicely dressed up, not displaying her crotch. That he looked doesn’t mean he’ll try to bed this woman if you don’t clamp him down. Everyone has erotic urges and fantasies. That doesn’t mean they’ll act on them or betray their marriage vows just because they stared at someone, surfed the web or watched an erotic film clip.

I don’t understand why you felt he needed sex therapy for a wandering eye on New Year’s Eve. Then, by imposing Net Nanny, you treated him like a child who needs to be protected from the Internet. You give no reason for that.

Try Therapy

I’m a sex advice columnist, not a therapist, but in my view, you describe your own insecurity more than your husband’s disloyalty. You demanded that your husband get therapy. I hope you’ll do that yourself, also. Otherwise, you’ll always be fearful and suspicious.

You seem to be applying your first husband’s betrayals to this one. Husband #1 fully deserved your lack of trust, but does Husband #2? How does Epstein’s horrendous abuse of vulnerable teens have anything to do with the problems in your marriage? What is this “dark world” that you think your husband has fallen into? I wish you had explained.

You’ve stated that you don’t believe you can trust any man because men are incapable of being worthy of trust. Why be married, then? The year separation is a good idea — not just for you, but to give your husband a chance to live on his own without being controlled by your insecurity. I hope you and husband find a peaceful solution to your conflicts, whether together or not.

YOUR TURN

Was trust an issue in your relationship?  How was it resolved? Share your experience in the comments!

 

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners, the newly updated and expanded “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.