Ask Joan: I Can’t Sleep with My Partner!

Joan counsels a woman who loves sex but not sleeping with her husband. Is it time for separate bedrooms? 

My husband (75) and I (72) have been married 20 years — a late-in-life romance. Our sex life has always been satisfying, using sex toys and laughter as a complement to our intimate knowledge of our own and each other’s bodies. We have fun together and communicate well. But there’s one problem: I don’t like sleeping with my husband.

I don’t mean sex — I love sex with him! I don’t like sleeping in the same room, listening to him snore or get up a hundred times a night to pee. I’m a light sleeper, and once I’m awake, it can take an hour to get back to sleep. Then he gets up early, and I need to sleep half the morning to make up for lost time.

We have a small spare room that I use for sewing, with a pull-out bed for the occasional visitor. I’ve taken to moving into that room when I can’t sleep through the interruptions. Ah, the relief of a silent, solitary space!

But no!

Hubby doesn’t like that. He says he’s fine sleeping through my tossing and turning, and this is how couples cope. He fears that our sex life will take a nosedive if we sleep in separate rooms. I remind him that our best sex is late morning or early afternoon anyway. We don’t reach for each other at night (except for a few minutes of sweet spooning before moving to our own sides of the bed). Early morning has never been my arousal time.

This problem has gotten worse as we’ve aged, especially over the past year. I’m exhausted. I don’t know if this is a me-problem or an us-problem. Do I just get over it, or insist on sleeping in the sewing room?

Taking its Toll

By now, the conflict is interfering with our sex life. He’s increasingly cranky. I’m sleepy and resentful. That combination does not lead to orgasms. We’ve gone from sex twice a week to maybe twice a month, and only when I initiate. Is he right that sleeping apart will create more distance? I wish I had my sexy, non-grumpy husband back!

– Yearning for Separate Bedrooms

Joan responds:

Let’s separate sex and sleep. They’re both human needs, and both become more challenging as we age. Other than that, they’re very different, especially their requirements! Two people may love each other and be bonded, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll sleep well together. Acknowledging that is not a failure. It’s just a challenge that you can overcome with communication, affection, and a willingness to experiment with alternative sleeping arrangements.

Good sex isn’t dependent on immediate accessibility to a warm body in bed. Especially at our age, it’s more about intentionality, planning, and anticipation.

Plan Sex Dates

Your husband fears that if you sleep in the sewing room, your sex life will deteriorate. That’s already happening, you say. But the reason isn’t where you sleep — it’s the unresolved conflict that is keeping you distant.

Good sex isn’t dependent on immediate accessibility to a warm body in bed. Especially at our age, it’s more about intentionality, planning, and anticipation. Whether couples sleep in the same bed or even the same house or not, I heartily recommend scheduling sex dates. It shows that you’re prioritizing intimacy by planning sexual pleasure time. Sex dates create “mental foreplay”: your brain — your major sex organ! — is imagining how sex will happen. This ignites arousal long before you’re naked in bed. Add the preparation of what you’ll wear (naked or sexy lingerie?), what you’ll need (lubricant and sex toys within reach), and erotic surprises (a blindfold or massage oil?), and your sex date is off to an exciting start.

Once you start planning and enjoying sex dates, I think your husband’s objections will melt away. You’ll both find that you’re having more and better sex when you’re well rested and anticipating your erotic time together.

Talk it over

Explain to your husband that you love him and you love every moment spent in his arms. But — and it’s a big “but” — you can only be fully present, happy, and healthy if you figure out how to get uninterrupted sleep. You could suggest spooning in bed at night as you usually do. Then whisper, “I love you, good night,” and quietly retreat to the sewing room. When you wake up and feel rested enough, go to your husband with a hug and a plan for your next sex date. Be especially affectionate to let him know your feelings for him are enhanced, not diminished, by the separate sleep time. I hope he’ll feel the same. Let us know how that works for you.

As you see in the resources below, the media often use the unfortunate term “sleep divorce” to describe couples who sleep in separate rooms. Ugh, I dislike that term and it’s wildly inaccurate. Sleeping separately often strengthens a relationship and makes it closer!

Try these resources

• “Will Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms Heal Your Marriage — or Kill It?” by Sheryl Jean, AARP
• “A ‘Sleep Divorce’ Might Be Exactly What Your Relationship Needs,” Cleveland Clinic
• “Schedule Sex Dates” by Joan Price
• “Tips to Navigate a ‘Sleep Divorce,’” Harvard Health Letter

YOUR TURN

Your turn: Have you and your partner had similar issues? How did you resolve them? Please share in the comments.

 

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.