COMMENTS

21 responses to “Ask Joan: What To Do When Your Wife Says No”

1. For some unremembered reason, my wife and I haven’t had sex for what will be 6 years as of the upcoming Mother’s Day. Why that date has significance (if it really does), I don’t remember. I have tried to get by with masturbation, but that’s no longer working either. Would it make sense for me to suggest to her that I order a masturbating sex toy from Amazon so I can survive a sexless marriage at age 81?

   Reply to Noneofyourbiz

   1. That’s what I did

      Reply to Duncan Salloway

2. We old guys are just fucked… it’s a no win if spouse isn’t into it . Coaxing someone to do something they’ve just shut the door..Is no different than self masterbation..I guess we just best pray that what life our cocks have left will dry up. Then we somehow enjoy the numbness of not being able to bother with it anymore.. Hallelujah!

   Reply to Scottie Pender

3. This is the hardest thing ever. She is 10 years older than me and has completely lost all desire. I never once didnt give her a climax. We have a great relationship besides that. Its sad. Its depressing. She doesn’t want me watching adult cinema either… Its the hardest thing ive ever dealt with because I love her so much but my needs are not being met.

   Reply to Joseph

4. I was in the back seat with Sally. My future wife was in the front seat with Jim Baily. We were double dating. Mary ( my future wife ), and Jim lay down in the front seat. It was obvious what was happening. Her and I have been married for over 62 years and she still claims her and Jim did not have sex or anything else at that time or at any other time during there three months of dating. She was only 18 and he was 26 and married. He was my best friend and my boss at work. I knew!!!!!!

   that

   Reply to John l massey

5. I am Emma from New Jersey. My herpes virus turned to war after 4 years of living with it. I have tried different medical procedures to cure my herpes but to no avail. Most people think herpes is only a minor skin irritation of which herpes has long term effects on health and passes through the bloodstream and can be easily contracted through sexual intercourse. I knew I had herpes from the first day I started feeling itchy in my pubic area and the pain was very unbearable. I couldn’t stand

   Reply to EMMA HAYES

6. I feel , dont jump to another woman , but if the chance comes go for it, if all other avenues are exhausted, dont tell your wife, but tell your partner you are married , maybe in a relationship dont tel , dont ask , in order they dont think, you are swingers.

   Reply to Richard Balls

7. I’m in a similar situation but I’m the woman who doesn’t want sex. I think it is normal for a woman my age to no longer be interested. I love my husband very much, but I don’t want sex. It hurts, and it is basically unpleasant. We taught our kids “my body’s mine, mine, mine” but I don’t feel like a woman in my situation gets to make the same call. If we no longer want sex everybody is saying we should go to a therapist or a doctor to fix it. It’s normal for my age and I hate being pressured.

   Reply to My body's mine

   1. You sound very similar to my wife. And to an extent I do understand. You have to do what you feel is right for you. But a marriage is two people. I do believe that the lack of looking into the hormonal reasons of no libido/pain shows a lack of empathy and unwillingness to provide any compromise for the situation. If both husband and wife have no libido disparity, no problem. But not looking to help with a correctable issue seems pretty mean spirited at the least.

      Reply to Jeff Smith

   2. so woukd you allow him to seek another womanjust for sex? maybe a proffesional?

      Reply to al

8. “Men-A-Pause”? Anachronistically disrespectful. Grow up & be a human in the 2020s. It’s not like women want these changes. We’re frustrated as hell that we don’t feel the same way as we used to, that we’re dry as the Sahara, have no desire, have brittle bones, insomnia, atrophied everything, oh & hot flashes every time: it’s 6-10p; it gets warm; & THE WORST:we feel a little excited or sexy. But do go on. You mean you can still orgasm, don’t have these sx & you’re still w/your love? Tragic.

   Reply to Be Be

9. dear ?Joan ; I have not had sex in over 15 years did not have much during marrage, I have never cheated on her though she cheated on me; maybe I am not good looking or something like that; more then once I have thought of taking my life I am now 67 ; maybe it is time I donot know , some say I am good looking others say no I lost part of right brain from a motorcycle wreck. That is why I believe I get depressed from, I realy do not want to lose her, good at cleaning house, cooking meals,l

   Reply to terrry

   1. Terrry, you need a therapist. Depression is treatable. You won’t find a woman who just wants to cook and clean for you and have sex with you,. Women appreciate being treated well, however handsome or not you may be. If you are thinking of taking your life, please talk to a professional, that is serious. You can always hire a housekeeper, a sex worker, but what are you going to bring to the table? Having regular sex is not a substitute for having a good relationship.

      Reply to Scruzan

10. The first question I’d ask her is, Do you love me?

    If she doesn’t, there’s nothing left to say. You might as well move out.
    But if she does, she owes it to you to tell you her reasons for changing the terms of the marriage, even if it’s uncomfortable for her.
    Yes, do get a counselor involved. Maybe it will be easier for her to speak frankly to a woman therapist privately before she can be honest with you.

    Reply to Alison Loris

11. This is a great conversation starter! As a woman in a 37 year marriage, I’d also like to mention the physical issues that women can experience in aging, which affect sexual activity. I’ve had years of UTIs along with mild bladder prolapse. This, along with hormonal changes, has required frequent/frank communication. We have an active sex life, but it doesn’t look the same as when we were younger. I think the goals of sex are varied, but the result should be intimacy and satisfaction for both.

    Reply to Jane

    1. As a male of 77 yrs, my wife refuses sex or anything associated with it. Says she’s not interested. Plain and simple, get used to it. Been going on for 6 yrs. I’m tired of jerking off. What more can I do to change her mind?

       Reply to Pops

12. Those who say their partner does not want sex should consider if they’re still physically attractive and in proportion with clothes on and off. Do they maintain good hygiene, dental care, grooming? There may be physical issues separate from “dryness” such as arthritis, that make performing difficult. Or unresolved lifestyle differences, including finances, that build resentment that can turn someone off.

    Reply to Sally

13. Dr Glickman said,”Maybe for her, the issue isn’t sex as much as an underlying problem in your marriage.” Distinct possibility. It’s very difficult to have sex with your husband when you’re hurt and mad. Been there. Over the years he became more and more controlling and demeaning. If I spoke up, he got mad and was hell to live with for weeks. I gave up and just put with it because by then we were in our 60s. He actually told me once that any problems in our marriage were my fault.

    Reply to Annie

    1. I think its the Men -A -Pause . A Pause from husband and sex , possibly a breach of the marriage vows as well. Also i notice a lot of older women avoid discussing it, but there are a lot who are looking for it. Sad thing is that you find it elsewhere and no point discussing it as that will bring more grief. Just say, look dear wife, I’d better just find sex and comfort elsewhere then leave it a month and say nothing. if no discussion or other, just proceed as you have said the facts A

       Reply to James

14. I’m in the same boat. There also seems to be an additional area that is not discussed anywhere from what I can see. I’ve asked my wife if she’s spoken with some of her friends about this. She tells me she has and that all her woman friends feel the same way. Woman are normalizing this “no more sex” issue and giving permission for others to do the same. I don’t know how valid this is, but when groups of people feel the same way, it’s a hard nut to crack.

    Reply to Jeffrey J Schaefer

    1. I think its the Men -A -Pause . A Pause from husband and sex , possibly a breach of the marriage vows as well. Also i notice a lot of older women avoid discussing it, but there are a lot who are looking for it.

       Sad thing is that you find it elsewhere and no point discussing it as that will bring more grief.
       Just say, look dear wife, I’d better just find sex and comfort elsewhere then leave it a month and say nothing.
       if no discussion or other, just proceed as you have said the facts
       A

       Reply to James