“My husband only wants intercourse, and that’s painful.”
A reader asks:
At 62, I have struggled with burning and pain during sex for over 19 years. I have been to several specialists about my condition, which was diagnosed as vestibulodynia. I have worked with lubricants, dilators, lidocaine, estriol, and pelvic floor physical therapy. Those have helped somewhat, but not enough to make me want penetrative sex again. There’s so much preparation before I can bear it, and even then, I experience persistent pain during and after sex.
Nothing But Intercourse?
My husband doesn’t want to have any kind of sex other than “regular sex” — by which he means intercourse. If it’s not that, he doesn’t want it. I have suggested we could have fun in other ways, but no. He only wants intercourse. It hurts me that it’s got to be intercourse or nothing. So we don’t have sex at all anymore.
I miss our intimacy and feel a loss.
Before my vestibulodynia, both of us enjoyed sex together. I admit I have little desire these days, and he says that’s fine. He says he doesn’t have the drive anymore either. He’s content just to let sex go if it can’t be vaginal intercourse. But I miss our intimacy and feel a loss. I wish he cared about pleasuring me in other ways. I’m open to that, but he’s not. He doesn’t want me to pleasure him in other ways either, not even orally.
We both are shy sexually, and I always have to start the conversation. It deflates me when he says no to everything I propose. I suggested that we talk to a sex therapist, but he doesn’t want to.
But otherwise…
Other than that, our marriage is good, and we are compatible. We are affectionate now, just not sexual. I’ve tried to be at peace and make sense of it all, but I’m sad when I hear that couples are having great sex in their 60s and beyond. Any advice would be appreciated.
— Disappointed and Sexless
Joan responds:
Vestibulodynia is pain in the “vestibule,” the vaginal opening, triggered by touch and sexual activity. It does not have an identifiable cause, and although it can be improved significantly with treatment, there’s no known cure. Good for you getting a diagnosis for your pain and working with specialists on all the recommended treatment methods, including pelvic floor physical therapy and dilators.
Sex isn’t just intercourse
The problem in your relationship isn’t that vaginal intercourse is off the table — it’s that your husband counts only this one sexual activity as “sex.” He refuses to explore the many other ways to pleasure each other sexually. He’s unwilling to open his mind to finding a sexual connection that doesn’t cause you pain.
He’s saying, “No sex!” when you’re saying, “Not this kind of sex.” Sadly for you both, it’s intercourse or nothing for him. Since intercourse is too painful for you, he has unilaterally shut down your sex life. He chooses no sex, no orgasms, no intimacy, and he imposes that on you. This needs to change.
Sex changes as we age
As we age, most of us are challenged by needing alternative ways to give and receive sexual pleasure, reach orgasm, and maintain intimacy. We may experience, as you do, painful vaginal penetration. For others, erections may not be reliable enough for intercourse. Still others find that intercourse isn’t the favorite path to sexual satisfaction anymore.
These challenges may seem like roadblocks when we first encounter them, but they aren’t defects or reasons to give up. Spicy, satisfying alternatives to intercourse await you. I implore you and your husband to watch my webinar “Great Sex Without Penetration” to help you explore your options, talk about them, and start putting these suggestions into action.
Please learn about “responsive desire” and how it differs from “spontaneous desire,”
Lack of desire isn’t a good reason to avoid exploring sex that works for you now. After so many years without partnered sex, your minds, bodies, and relationship have lost the habit of turning to each other for sexual pleasure and intimacy. That doesn’t have to be permanent. Please learn about “responsive desire” and how it differs from “spontaneous desire,” which will make a big difference going forward. Your lack of desire is influenced also by your pain with intercourse and knowing your husband will reject your efforts.
Right now, you have what’s called a “companionate marriage” — affectionate, close, but not sexual. That works fine for couples who agree to that arrangement. But a companionate marriage is not what you want.
What to do?
I understand that it’s scary to open up communication about your needs and wishes when you’ve always been shy sexually. A good therapist can help you. Your husband isn’t making it easy, but it’s important. Making a change will mean some work and communications skills you don’t think you have, but look at what might result! You’re worth it.
I hope you’ll show this column to your husband and encourage him again to consult a sex therapist with you to explore how you can regain a satisfying sex life — without any activity that gives you pain. To get your conversation started, here are two quickie videos (5.5 to 6.5 minutes) answering questions similar to yours:
Want more advice from Joan? Joan Price, along with a bevy of other Senior Planet contributors, staff and volunteers, will be featured in our upcoming Annual Technology Review, a benefit exclusive to Senior Planet Supporters. Click here to give, become a Senior Planet Supporter and be the first to receive your digital copy of the Review!
Do you have a question for Joan?
- Check https://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/in case Joan has already addressed your topic.
- Joan can only answer questions from people age 60 and above.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- If your question is under consideration for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and will only select your question if you respond to her email. If you submit your question, please check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
COMMENTS
7 responses to “Ask Joan: How To Have Sex Besides Intercourse”
Estriol is a very weak estrogen. Try estradiol vaginal suppositories/ tablets/creams. Any physician can prescribe these for you. They are safe even if you have a uterus, as a negligible amount is absorbed systematically. (The exception might be breast cancer survivors who would follow their oncologist’s advice.)
I’m pleased that this topic is being discussed. Thank you! Limiting yourself to one kind of intimacy with your partner is like going to Disney World and only going on one attraction.
What a wonderful analogy, Aisling!
I take my pride and pleasure in satisfying my woman with outercourse. Then she is soft and most of the times i can finish with intercourse or she plays with me. Having sex regularly have connected us deeply and we can fell the thrill like when we first was in love again. At +60 we have time for each other and i feel that my hormons for desire have come back. Communication i think is key to this. This refusing to have sex if not intercourse is to me fully stupid.
continue: However not all people are open to learn new things. Many relationships end because one of them does not like to have sex. Thanks Joan for all your ideas that changed our sexlife into continous fullfillment!
I would actually think of divorce and find a new relationship if I was hindered to have a fullfilling sexlife for another 20 years. This gives me so much value and quality of life.
There are non invasive treatments for dryness that works!
There is the laser treatment called Mona Lisa. It stimulates the collagen in the vagina and the outside as well. I have done it and one other that is similar to it as well it’s kind of like red light therapy. I also do bioidentical hormones which are very safe to use. She needs to do some research and he needs counseling. There is so much more to sex other than just penetration. These two things would absolutely help her and feel better.
An important challenge as we all age is adjustment to inevitable changes in how we “do” sex, and in what brings us and our partner(s) sexual pleasure. The husband in the sad story above has so far failed to meet this challenge. He and his own sex life suffer accordingly. But the truly hurtful part of this tale is what he has imposed on his loving wife by his pigheadedness. I hope for her sake he’ll visit a sex therapist with her and manfully face the challenge of learning new sexual pleasures.
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