When is it time to dump a Friend with Benefits? A reader asks for advice from Joan Price, Senior Planet’s Senior Sex contributor.
A reader asks:
I am a widow, age 67, in a “friends with benefits” (FWB) relationship with a 68-year-old man for four years. We have sex each time we see each other, about once a month, and we enjoy each other’s company. We phone and text regularly. This arrangement worked fine until recently. Now I wonder if I should continue to see him.
To FWB or not to FWB?
I told him from the beginning that I wasn’t interested in marriage. He had two failed marriages and other relationships that didn’t last and wanted only FWB. When he is in a relationship, he says he feels trapped.
The problems began when he informed me that an ex was coming to visit.
The problems began when he informed me that an ex was coming to visit. I asked if he planned to sleep with her, and he said, “Nothing wrong with that.”
Friendship hits a bump
I see plenty wrong with that! My understanding was that we could date others but not have sex with them. I told him, “When you have sex with another woman, I am out.” His ex’s visit fell through, and we continued as FWB.
He’s become short tempered. He used to say that he enjoyed our sex, but recently he complained that I don’t give a good blow job. I told him I don’t have any experience with it. He accused me of lying, saying I must have done it in my marriage or with a previous boyfriend. (I hadn’t.) Sometimes he slaps me on the butt, though I’ve told him I don’t like that.
The Big Blow Up
The big blow up was when I went to his house unannounced to try to resolve an argument we’d had. He was furious, accusing me of arriving uninvited to try to catch him with another woman. I just wanted to resolve our argument! I didn’t see why it was such a big deal to drop in on him. If an acquaintance came to my house unannounced, I’d welcome them and serve them food.
Still, the next day I apologized for being rude and disrespectful. He said, “No, it was a deceitful attempt to try and catch me with another woman and you know it.” I told him, “I forgive you for screaming at me. Can we just forget this? I love you and treasure what we have together.”
We haven’t resolved this. Should I continue seeing him?
— Unhappy FWB
Easy answer: No. The two of you define your relationship (yes, FWB is a relationship) differently and want different things from it. What worked for you in the past has run its course. Your need for closeness conflicts with his need for privacy and autonomy. He’s treating you badly, making hurtful comments and doing things you’ve told him you dislike.
The Limits of FWB
Let’s back up and define FWB. It’s literally “friends” – people who feel close and enjoy each other – “with benefits,” meaning sex. It’s a relationship where you agree to be friends who have sex. It’s not a commitment, and there’s no expectation of sexual exclusivity.
It’s not a commitment, and there’s no expectation of sexual exclusivity.
You say your understanding was that you each could date others but not have sex with them. Was that clearly stated? If so, when? Have you updated your agreement over the four years? It sounds as if he wants the freedom to have sex with others (which is the usual way FWB works), but you’ll leave if this happens.
He values his privacy and never wanted a relationship where you could drop in on each other uninvited. You’re fine with unannounced visits. This may seem like a small difference, but it’s crucial. You wanted to resolve an argument in person. He felt trapped and under suspicion.
…why should you have to grovel and “forgive” a man for screaming at you?
He never should have yelled at you and accused you of lying. You apologized and tried to make it right, but why should you have to grovel and “forgive” a man for screaming at you?
His cruelty about your lack of skills in oral sex and his insistence that you were lying about that are unpardonable. Even if you had been experienced with fellatio (oral sex on a penis) with others, men are different in exactly how they like to be pleasured. A smarter, kinder, more productive response would have been for him to give you gentle directions instead of a verbal attack.
You deserve respect and kindness from the people in your life, especially the man you have sex with. I don’t know why you’re considering staying with him. This connection may have been great in the past, but it isn’t anymore. It’s not what either of you needs, and it’s more contentious than affectionate.
It’s time to move on. I know it will be painful to end it, but I think you know it’s no longer right for you. Let him go, then give yourself time to heal and figure out what you want and need from your next relationship. You’ll find it.
More about FWB and seniors (be sure to read the reader comments):
Readers, have you been in a FWB relationship as a senior? Please tell us how that worked for you — or not. Let us know in the comments!
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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
I’ve been in a primary relationship for over 25 years. We both do not want cohabitation. I’ve tried it with others She has never wanted to with anyone . We have the keys to each other’s place but would never just show up unannounced. Even though we have a rough schedule of when we see each other, we’ve always confirmed that the date is “on”. We have no sexual exclusivity agreements, though we do have agreements about safety. We don’t have expectations except for candor.
I’m a 58 year old man and when I’ve been single I’ve had a number of FWB relationships over the years.
Sadly almost all of them and did because the person moved due to work or other reasons. One or two because they met somebody that they had romantic feelings for.
When both people are upfront and honest about expectations and desires there’s nothing wrong with and preventing a good long-term FWB relationship but they have a natural life cycle must communicate and just be honest with yourself.
I’m a 70 tear old man and have had quite a few FWB relationships. One has so far lasted more than 10 years. We get together once a week, to hang out, talk, be intimate. We’re great friends. I have others as well. Whether they last a long time or end for whatever reason, I’m grateful for each one. It’s wonderful to meet new people, learn about their lives, share touch, intimacy, pleasure. There is no downside. I’m still very happily married, my wife knows and is supportive as she is no longer in
I know many of you have (or have had) successful FWB relationships. I’d love to see some comments from you here. Although this column deals with a FWB relationship that has gone sour, I’d like readers to know that many FWBs fill a need successfully and joyfully. I’ve had several myself over the decades, and although we agreed to end the “benefits” part, the deep friendships remain to this day.
Thank you to the many people who shared their lived experience with FWB. I read deep affection and respect for your partners, and this is important for people to know. I hope readers will take the message that there’s no one relationship style that is best for everyone, but FWB works for many in our age group for a variety of reasons.
I know this has nothing to do with the subject of today, but I would like to ask if there is any dating site for seniors you could recommend?
There are several specifically “senior” sites. But don’t limit yourself to those. Popular sites like OKCupid and Match have huge numbers of seniors, and you can sort by age preference. Give lots of attention to writing a profile that explicitly states what you are looking for, and what you don’t want. My “How the Heck Do We Date at This Age?” webinar is a 90-minute class on how to do this for good results: https://joanprice.com/webinars
Good advice, Joan.
I hope she takes it.
Corrected link for“Friends with benefits — do we need a new term?” :
I am currently in a FWB situation ship. 4+ years.
He’s married, he’s not leaving his wife & I’ve never asked him too.
Early on he had sex with, others, now he’s 64, it’s just me.
It’s a great friendship, we do go out, only days.
We had a connection from the start, he did lie about his marital status! Initially!! By the time I learnt about him being married it was too late, I was hooked, the sex is mind blowing & he’s a kind man who needs intimacy, touch & someone who listens.
You didn’t ask for my opinion, but there’s a place to comment. He’s been meeting your needs — for 4 years, and apparently you meet his. He’s having his cake and eating it too. He needs ____, ____, and ___. What about what you need? You can only go out days. Are you happy sharing him for as long as it lasts and not having your own man who can be with you either every day or several days, nights, holidays, vacations? Are you looking for your own man? Will it be over if his wife finds out?
I’m very happy with our situation, he doesn’t criticise his wife around me. I’m not looking for a commitment from anyone, I’m happy on my own, I live a full life & still enjoy sex & intimacy. We have that. I have other FWB’s I see who are all single. I go out with them on dates. I enjoy my own company & don’t feel at all alone or need a full on relationship. That’s just me, everyone is different . I’m almost positive his wife knows but it’s easier as she doesn’t want sex with him.
I’m sure he tells you he has a wife that doesn’t listen. I have no idea why you would want to be in a relationship with a man who is deceitful and cheats on his wife.
People want to convince themselves that a FWB relationship is fine but the reality is most want an exclusive relationship. They just don’t want to admit it. As soon as one decides to go outside the relationship, all hell breaks loose. Would she really be okay if he just dated with no sex? I doubt it.
Or had sex with no dating?
No exclusive relationship wanted here, I was married a long time. He actually doesn’t talk negatively about his wife in my company. A FWB relationship isn’t for everyone, I get that but it is right for me at this stage of my life. I am a very happy & satisfied woman. Whilst I appreciate your comments & concerns, we are both consenting adults & We’ll deal with the fallout if that happens.
Until then I have a few other irons in the fire in the form of single FWB’s.