COMMENTS

19 responses to “Ask Joan: When Is Casual Sex Ok?”

1. All very valid points with interesting viewpoints.
   My problem, and it is becoming a problem, is I am widowed and therefore don’t have anyone to consent. Dating sites have failed miserably and with no disrespect to the ladies working in the industry, I’m not inclined to seek pleasure with an escort. I am sure many ladies and gents must be in similar situations. Thanks for reading
   P

   Reply to Paul Browne

2. I grew up at a time when many women were taught sex was dirty, only to please men and to have children. Many women, probably men too, never learned much about their bodies. Discussions about sex have been left out of the bedroom.
   Many never learned HOW to make love. Read some books, learn some techniques or try something new.
   Sometimes, that elusive erection is the be all/end all; be aware and don’t get into that habit. There are plenty of other ways to make her cum.

   Reply to Judith Jordan

3. At 82 and 76, respectively, my husband and I have wonderful, very active sex life, both with each other, swinging partners as a couple and also with other solo, sexual partners. We both insist that our partners, outside of our marriage are either not married or their spouse is aware of our sexual encounters. We both make it very clear to our play partner that we love our spouse and we are not interested in anything but an occasional, fun, non-committal sexual relationship.

   Reply to Peggy

4. I am in such a a relationship too. I have been with my wife for 25 years and we have been married for 20 years and we absolutely love each other, but sex has been absent for many years, and was sparse before that. 5 years ago I started a long term affair with a lady who was more than 25 years my senior and a widow. We adhered to ABC throughout the relationship and still remain very close friends after the sex came to a natural conclusion. Most of our sex wasn’t penetration but was still awesome.

   Reply to Guy

5. Research has shown that only 25% of women have orgasms through intercourse alone, yet that is what many men view as the ultimate goal of sex – getting in there and going at it. At the same time, many women are not very in touch with or relaxed with their bodies. So you end up with women who don’t feel a lot of pleasure during intercourse, and don’t know how to tell their partner what works. Years of that becomes a turnoff for women, who also end up feeling guilty.

   Reply to Susan

   1. My wife has mainly been a missionary position only lady. I agree with you that orgasms in that position are uncommon. I consider myself a considerate lover and wanted pleasure for her. I think guilt has been a huge issue for her especially with her adultery in the beginning.

      Reply to Frustrated in Australia

6. I have been married for 48 years. My wife has lupus and suffers from vaginal dryness, making intercourse uncomfortable. We turn to oral, hands and toys. I purchased a collection of toys for her. We make it work for both of us. Denying sex only leads to bitterness and being resentful. I think that wife is being selfish. I love your discussions.

   Reply to Joe Minella

7. I am in pretty much in the same situation as “Frustrated in Australia”. My wife and I have been married for 49 years, we are both in our seventies, and we keep fit by walking two miles every morning with our pet dog. Everything about our marriage is perfect, except we don’t have sex. I have explained to my wife that I regard sex as being a very important part of any marriage. My acknowledges my feelings but will not do anything to resolve my frustration. I miss everything about sex. Help!

   Reply to Patrick Millican

   1. My partner of 50 years and I both enjoy sex. Still, after all those years. We travel to somewhere warm, take showers together, float in a jacuzzi. Use your imagination. Start with deep kissing and you will go from there.

      Reply to KARIN WYMAN

8. As an older sex worker for the past 7-8 years, I cannot count how many married men visit me because their wives are no longer interested for whatever reason. Some confess to me that I actually save their marriage. Most are very hungry for touch, cuddling, being skin-to-skin with a woman. And because it’s transactional and time bracketed, no one interferes with the other person’s daily life. There’s a friendly emotional component but my offerings have very clear boundaries. Great article. Thanks!

   Reply to Sex Worker in NorCal

9. Vaginal atrophy is the elephant in many many rooms. For some it is a reason to find other things to do with ones life. But I never heard any but the mildest hints of it all my life. When someone says he thinks pain in sex is fake… he needs to be corrected. He does seem to get that that is not the only problem, but it seems like his statement shows he is not going to have the real conversation about poly without cataclysmic consequence.

   Reply to Michelle Noe

   1. Hi. Michelle,
      I do think vaginal atrophy has been in our lives for many years now. Our history is so much more complicated. When in her early twenties she had regular sex with a work colleague. He was good looking, charming and know for being a womaniser.
      It started in the year we got engaged. Neither of us would ever contemplate poly as it goes against everything we hold dear.

      Reply to Frustrated

   2. Please be a bit more specific on this condition. My partner and I abstained while she was battling cancer, and now we find sex is painful for her with only a few inches of penetration. She says she has always been ‘shallow’ but my seven or eight inches was never a problem years ago.

      She attributes this to her post-cancer medications. Could it be atrophy? If so, what to do?

      Reply to Reddon

10. I am in such a relationship. It his keeping both him and me sane. The spouses are neither capable nor want to satisfy our needs. We are very long acquainted. There is a long term risk. One can not always control their feelings for the other regardless of what you intended or agreed to. And the future is unknowable. There is always risk of exposure and the pain that could come out of it.

    Reply to Donna

11. The better question would be. Why doesn’t she want sex.

    Reply to Beth

12. Men do not understand the pain that a women can have with sex during and post menopause and in reality there is very little you can do about it. And men’s erections that are semi soft make it even worse. It may not be that she isn’t interested in sex but painful sex is not enjoyable. There is much more to intimacy both physical and emotional that excludes penetration sex. To be honest kissing has always been my favorite but men usually only like that leading up to penetration sex.

    Reply to Liza

    1. Liza, I’m a loud and happy proponent of non-penetrative sex, but as Frustrated said, “You and I know that there are lots of ways to be intimate and have fun without intercourse, but she’s not interested.” She isn’t open to other options, either.

       Reply to Joan Price

       1. I am 75. She is 78. I enjoy sex but she appears to be uninterested. She was raised by two devout Christian parents. I am sure that sex was hardly ever discussed. Frankly, I am shocked by the fact that she ever had children. Sex for her is just laying in bed with her rear end turned toward me so that our butts can touch. If I try to lay the other way to cuddle, she forms a barrier with her arms to keep me from touching her breasts or anything else. I have gotten the message clearly. What do I do

13. If she is not interested in sex as Joan said have the discussion and let her know you are going to find a casual sex partner to take care of your needs.

    This sounds like one of the rare occasions where the rest of the relationship is good, this is typically not the case.

    Men can turn this around but it is not easy and yours is gone on so long it’s unlikely.

    If she objects I would reconsider the whole I will not divorce her situation. She hasn’t been your wife for a long time in my mind.

    Reply to Dennis Collins