senior-women-friendship

Aging Alone Doesn’t Have to Mean Lonely

People confuse the word “alone” with lonely.

In a society where marriage has been held up as the ideal, they misunderstand how those who’ve never married, or who are widowed or divorced, experience living alone.

Will you still need me when I’m 84?

Loneliness is not tied to relationship status, and it’s a fallacy to assume that marriage or cohabitation is the solution. Ask anyone who’s been in an unhappy, non-communicative marriage. Eric Klinenberg, the author of “Going Solo,” a book about living alone, looks at the emergence of the one-person household as an increasingly preferred living choice.  “People who live alone do get lonely,” Klinenberg says, “but so do people in marriages.”

Younger people have made living alone a choice; in the under-65 demographic, 15 million live alone and many are actively choosing single lives, at the same time proving that the old equation between living alone and being unhappy no longer holds true. Younger singles are just as happy and healthy as younger people in committed relationships. But what about the 11 million seniors who are leading single lives? According to researchers, many older singles are not doing so well.

As we age, many of us start worrying what living alone will be like.  Who’ll help if I become ill? What if I feel lonely and isolated? We worry about maintaining social connections if we lose mobility. Those of us who sought a single life and chose not to remarry after a divorce or spouse’s death might find ourselves rethinking our priorities.

Should advancing age cause people like me who are single to rethink our status? Is it time to find a partner?

In an effort to quantify the feeling of loneliness – a sense of not having meaningful contact with others, accompanied by painful distress – geriatric specialists at the University of California, San Francisco, asked 1,604 adults age 60 and older how often they felt isolated or left out, or lacked companionship. Sixty-two percent of those who reported being lonely were married.  (Click here to read more about the study.)

Maybe what we need as we plan for old age is to expand our social connections and interactions – not look for a husband.

Words – and More – With Friends

We long for meaningful relationships and social connections. That may be why increasing numbers of older people are turning to online dating sites, which offer a way to connect with others and make new friends, even if they don’t deliver a life partner.

There are other ways to connect and grow our social circles, too. Facebook is a great place to chat, keep up with friends’ activities and even play games with them, like the popular game Word with Friends. Some websites offer forums and chat rooms that encourage users to interact with others. Online friendships can supplement real life relationships.

We need social interactions and people in our lives who care about us, but living alone doesn’t always lead to loneliness, just as living with others is no guarantee of happiness. We can maintain our independent lifestyles as we age and build strong social connections at the same time.

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231 comments
  • Dan
    REPLY

    I’m a 49 year old male with no kids, and very few social outlets (family/friends. I lost my job about 6 months ago, and the likelihood of replacing my income seems poor. Things I do have now are my health (knock on wood), and a decent amount of savings.

    Oh, and I am married. The thing is though, my marriage is a passionateless facade where I feel I’m just settling. But I am terrified of growing old alone. I feel trapped! What to do???

    • mary Crawford
      REPLY

      I am 53 years old. Been widowed for 5 1/2 years. Got 2 grown children. My husband died unexpectedly at 47 year’s old of heart attack. I never expected him to die, he was suppose to out live me. We had a good marriage. In 2013 I met a guy online and we ended up married for a month before we realized we made a mistake and got divorced. Then in 2014 I met another man who I seemed to connect with. We got a place together with my kids (my son has high autism) and my daughter was finishing school. This man treated my kids like slaves, they each paid 650 a month to live in the house. (Daughter finished school and got job) my kids could do no right, and eventually neither could I, I finally got the guts to leave him which I did, now it’s just me and my son living in a rental house that we both hate. I’m suppose to start a job in a grocery store this Tuesday. What I am finding is that I love being married, it’s all I know,I was married to the love of my life at 19. We were married for almost 28 years. There has to be a reason these other 2 marriages failed. I’m scared of ending up old and alone.

  • Kathy
    REPLY

    Very interesting. This site seems like it would fun to chat with people. Being single is nice at times but it is nice to have a companion to chat with and do things together.

  • Maria Thomson
    REPLY

    Hello all, I’m here looking for some advice. My father in law is 74. He is now widowed (almost 2 years ago). My husband is an only child. We have 2 children (14 and 10). My father in law lives in the house that he has lived in for the last 40 years, by himself. We have talked to him about possibly getting a house together so that he is not alone. (he’s commented about his house being too quiet). Is this something that an aging, but not really old, parent would want? He’s diabetic and having some memory issues but definitely fully capable of living his own life and being independent (except that he doesn’t cook at all so he eats out every night). The house we found has an in law suite so if he doesn’t want to hang around us, he can go on his own. We can’t really tell if this is what he wants or not, his comments vary on the subject. My husband thinks he may have offended his dad by talking to him about it. Any words of wisdom? Is this something that a parent would want or do we just let it go? Thank you for any input!

  • Marty
    REPLY

    I think growing old alone is a tough road I’m 54 year old male never married no children.Didn’t plan it this way but that’s how I ended up.Funny how some are lucky and others like me bombed out.
    I like to chat so I find sitting at home by myself every day after work very quiet.
    So I usually just watch tv and go to sleep pretty much same routine every evening.
    I really think you have to be perfect,just average job average company car and home isn’t really enough these days.
    I haven’t got the drive to try and find a partner anymore I’ve tried and failed and if it hasn’t happened by my age seriously it ain’t gonna happen,foolish to think otherwise.
    I know I’ll never be truely happy on my own life will be work sleep repeat,some things in life for people like me are meant to be that way.
    It’s unfair but hey I didn’t make the rules I gave it my best shot.
    Marty

    • Paul
      REPLY

      Well let me be real honest here since the women of today are certainly nothing at all like the women in the past were which in those days it was so much more easier finding real love since it really came very easy for the men in those days as well as our family members that were very extremely lucky to be born at that time. Most women now are so damn selfish and so very greedy since now they really want a man that makes a lot of money since it is all about them now unfortunately. Most of the women were very old fashioned since they were raised by very good parents back then that taught them the right way which today their parents are raising their children very wrong since they’re so very pathetic altogether now more than ever which has a lot to do with it. Many of us good single men looking for love is very difficult today since so many women are very nasty with us men when we will try to start a conversation with the one that will attract us since they will Curse at us for no reason at all since i know a friend that had the very same thing happened to him as well since many women nowadays unfortunately are psychopaths and sociopaths as well which really does add to the problem. With so many women having a career today which many of them now are making a six figure income which most of them really think they’re all that which their not at all anyway. They’re the worst of all since they have a very bad attitude problem and feel that us men owe them something which really makes them very sad altogether. With these kind of women out there nowadays which makes it very obvious why many of us men will never find real love at all and will remain single as well thanks to them since it does take two to tango.

      • N C More
        REPLY

        I think I know why you’re having difficulty. You seem very negative and judgmental. To say “all women” are the way you describe is not only inaccurate but very off putting. Many people (both genders) have had bad relationships. The gross generalization that “all women “or “all men” are bad won’t get anyone anywhere.

      • Brenda Sanchez
        REPLY

        Hello Marty,
        My name is Brenda I just turned 47 years old,
        I have been single for a long time now. I have 3 grown kids. 2 daughter’s and 1 son,. Ages 30, 29, 25.
        I have 5 grandkids 4 boys and a girl. Unfortunately I only see 2 of the older boys. They’re my everything. 14 years old and 11 years good boys. The 14 year old has Autism,
        But he has all A’s in school and he is very organized. Well like me. The other one well we have to watch and keep on him. He wants everything to be simple and doesn’t like to clean lol. Older one is Edwin and the youngest is Juelz. I pretty much feel lonely alot. I work and come home and do the same routine everyday. I would like to have someone to go out to dinner, walks on the beach, although I’m very shy and don’t wear bathing suit. Every now and then have a drink. Don’t really have friends. Just one friend his name his Marco and he has CP. Half Paralyze. Why he’s my best friend he has what my older sister Maria has CP. I live in RI.
        Would love to chat or exchange numbers and pictures so I know who I’m speaking to. A face is always great to see.
        TTY soon.

    • pam
      REPLY

      Hey how’d it going? I’m 55yrs. old and I do about the same. I go to work come home and spend the nite with my cats. I’m not a cat person but I’ll save that conversation for another time. I watch TV until I go to sleep. Rather boring. I wouldn’t mind chatting with you if you wouldn’t mind chatting with me. So later for now.

    • Lilian Haggland
      REPLY

      Hi funny I woke up this morning and heard pray for your husband….What husband Lord I have been single for a decade….Don’t give up,God knows your heart,He created you,He knows we need love. So my dear, ask God to direct you she probably waiting for you too

    • Michelle
      REPLY

      Hi Marty…I don’t know if you got my response, but I have been a widow for a long time now and did not have a marriage made in Heaven. I want a new life but don’t know how to get it, so I plan on moving to The Villages, Florida, where I can be alone and there are so many activities down there, it’s your own fault if you have nothing to do. When I left in 2014 there were over 900 clubs and there are more now. I don’t know if I’ll have lots of friends but I know I’ll have a golf cart and lots of things to do. That’s all I need, I guess. I hope you consider. I might see you there…Michelle

      Google thevillages.com. Make sure it is not Terra Vista, which you will see if you google the villages. The Villages is annotated as the friendliest community. I know there are more in the US but that is the only one I know of and you can get a great looking home for $200,000.00! Turn key, too, where all you have to do is bring your suitcase and everything you need in the house is there, including a gold cart!

      • Christine
        REPLY

        I’m a 62 year old divorced woman. Fifteen years of being a single parent flew by and I supported myself with no respite from my children, so it was pretty exhausting but I did a good job and pat myself on the back.
        I understand why many men of our era are negative about women but it’s not always the case. Times and attitudes have indeed changed leaving ladies as ruthless as their male peers which can be hard to comprehend. However, we can’t change or reverse current trends where some ladies have descended testicles and some are just unrealistic about partnerships. We can change ourselves though.
        I don’t need a man but I want one. Companionship and sharing is bliss. However, I doubt I will as I have my own set of standards which are based on my idea of what a relationship should be and added to that, I’m used to living alone.
        I’m certainly not bitter, I’m very attractive which isn’t self love, I know I am. Fifty percent of my attractiveness comes from within. I smile in the face of adversity. I’m great with people, quite smart, fashion conscious and slim so my question is, where are all the compatible men. Certainly not on social media where they judge purely by years and assume pictures aren’t recent.
        I need a plan for my sabbatical from the workplace so would love help to formulate one. Sounds so much nicer that a retirement bucket list and if there are any men in their 60s out there who look, act and love like a much younger version, well there are myriad women to be sought who are waiting.

      • Sue
        REPLY

        Hi Michelle
        We live in weeki wachee , Florida also. We just moved here from California . We have no friends or family. We are both 70 year old.
        We went on few cruises but the loneliness is killing us slowly.

    • babes
      REPLY

      hey friend, never say never, do not lose hope, if it failed it doesnt mean you will fail again, just give it a try, also very lonely and single at 4o, but never given up hoping for the best

    • Andiemarie
      REPLY

      Dear Marty i understand what you’re going though not at my 50s im 66 next month 67 i have cancer of the liver i feel ive never been loved not now or latter i do have a daught but she has her life to continue with young you always think ypull never grow old i dont understand why my life went that way as well but to let you know you’re not the only one going though this i must walk my road alone enjoy life so much at your age you can enjoy join a lodge church so much you can do remember there’s someone else like you an more so be good look for out lets in life andie Marie

  • Truth
    REPLY

    Well for many of the men and women out there that were very Extremely Fortunate finding Real Love with one another and are Married with a family which they Certainly have so Very Much to be very thankful for since many of us were Never that Lucky at all which being Alone really Sucks so Damn much especially for the Holidays. I always wanted a wife and family which really Would’ve made my life so very Complete as well. It is as if God has Punished many of us for No Reason at all Especially when he gave it too so many Millions of other people out there that have their Life so very much Complete. Then again i Can also Blame the kind of women that we now have out there that have made it much Worse as well since Most women these days are very Selfish And Greedy since they will Only want the Best and will Never settle for Less which certainly has a lot to do with it as well. And with all these Reality Shows that they now have on TV these days has Certainly Corrupted their minds as well as the Media that has made it Worse altogether. So for many of us Good Men out there that really wanted to get married and have a family which we Can Certainly Blame the Type of women unfortunately that are now Everywhere these days that has Certainly made it very more Complicated for us as well since many of us Aren’t Single By Choice At All.

    • Dee
      REPLY

      Is it really all women and greediness or is it the type of women you have shown interest in? I was married 20 yrs. Divorced when i discovered husband was addicted to prescription meds to the point of acquiring them secretly and to the financial and emotional distress of myself and 2 kids. I never required things…no elaborate jewelry or home….not even an annual vacation. I devoted everything to him and kids. I lost myself in the roles of wife and mother while also holding a job to pull in 50% of household income. My blessings are my kids. The divorce was 10 yrs ago. Ex passed away 7 yrs ago. I never stopped loving him and wondering why….. Although I’d like a man to share my life with the odds at at 55 are not in my favor. Men generally looking for young model types. I am not. I am an attractive yet larger framed working woman with children aged 28 and 30. I love my kids, my friends and my job. I try to find laughter each day and generally succeed. Sometimes life is lonely…it is not fair. I had the privilege of caring for mom until her passing at the end of November at the age of 95. I guess that accounts for my recent heavy heart.

  • Jim
    REPLY

    Hi everybody, I have a question for you all. First my story. At 69 (divorced at 65) sold my house packed up and moved to Chapala Mexico partly for adventure and partly to start a new life. I have been here 3 years bought a car and a house and consider that I live in Paradise. I met a wonderful Lady of 57 years and asked her to move in with me. She is retired from California and I want to know what financial arrangements we should have. Like I pay it all or she pays some and how much. Drop me a line with your thoughts.

    • leslie rae meisel
      REPLY

      hi and wishing you both joy in your new relationship. secondly this just my thoughts so it is not a solid must do. both of you need to sit down and talk about what each of you want with this relationship then talk about what each of you need to do. not only in regards to rent but who does the cooking and what days or nights, who cleans and what like dusting the living room or doing the floor in the kitchen, you see where i am going with this.

      have a wonderful relationship

      leslie

    • Debi K
      REPLY

      I hear you. But trust me. Having kids isn’t always great when aging. If they don’t have time for you it makes you more depressed. For me anyway that is how it is even thought I never try to depend on anyone. With no friends or other family it is very lonely and just doing things in general can be tougher with no support system.

    • Zipporah
      REPLY

      Hi,
      Children are not the only people to fall into when old. I am very lonely despite the fact that I have three children. They are well educated and out running their lives. The only connection is the phone.
      Equally children will not understand your personal needs, like accompanied to tours etc.
      I appreciate the latest information technology that helps us communicate..
      Good day. Zipporah

      • Hazel H.
        REPLY

        I understand. I have two kids that live in another state. and they call me when they need something. I have a husband but we are more roommates. we re been together 35 yrs. he doesn’t want to go any where or do anything… so I set home being more depressed. I can’t do to much because when I walk my hip,back hurt so bad. hubby has bad back also but his is that he can’t sit or he hurts. so he works to keep moving. then in the evening I want to talk and he falls asleep. I’m depressed and it’s getting worse.

        • Marlene
          REPLY

          Wow.. its like reading my own story..except the bad back bit… but what can one do when all you ever do is look after everyone else…then one day you realise there is no one looking after you…

        • Michael
          REPLY

          Hazel. ..i think your blessed …me and my wife of 33 yrs see each other on wknd we work opposite shifts never see each other all week then i and my bad back work some wknds. ..she has a lung disease and my back is toast ..5 injections a year …so.. said all that to say ….you have to look sometimes but you will find your blessings in your life …many a wealthy with all the health and time are so depressed they are very unhappy. ..God has given _you so much …sometimes we have to look in our lives but its there ..its there Gods blessing

      • Lesley
        REPLY

        I feel exactly the same as you . I’ve raised five children and they now live all over the planet and rarely call. They are too busy living their lives.

        I have a job fortunately . It’s the only time I get to speak to anyone apart from the postman. I worry about becoming ill and no one finding me. :(

        • Sue
          REPLY

          I am Sue. I am 70 year old. Had 2 well educated kids but have not heard from them for 11 years. No friend, no family. Have had a male companion for 17 year . He also has no kid, no friend and no family.
          Well, life become so lonely most the time. We going to senior club one a week.

      • Judyjursick
        REPLY

        Me to Eleanor. Widow now two years lonely,hard to meet people rather shy, Married fifty years we worked together, raised a family. Now that is all gone..where do I go from here? Every day is a struggle jmj

    • Zipporah
      REPLY

      Dear Honest Truth,
      You are not alone.
      There are many like you but do not see it as you do.
      Travel and you will appreciate things differently.
      Best wishes,
      Zipporah

    • Sunny
      REPLY

      Hi Jim ,
      First off good luck in your new life venture.
      Regarding financial arrgment best to have an open and honest conversation with your lady about that.
      Everyone may feel different about who pays what and how much .
      Also a lot depends on each persons finanical situation .
      Ask her what her expectations are.
      COMMUNICATE with her what your expectations are.
      There is no right or wrong , it’s about what each person is looking for.
      She in a position to pay her own way ?
      Is she looking for someone to pay the bills ?

      Communicate not just about financial . What about house duties , like who cleans ? Cooking ? Other .
      Be open and honest in order to avoid future problems or misunderstandings.

      If a guy would ask me to move in with him I would expect him to pay the bills.
      In return I am happy to cook and clean .
      But that’s me.

    • Doreen
      REPLY

      I have 5 children who have no time for me I am 60 I have not seen them in over 5years 14 years before that .I am married not happy 33 years and I never felt so alone .count your blessings you for the last 5 months we have been living in a car and it’s very very cold .and my children can care less .and all my husband says to me is I know all you can do is sit in this car 24 hours a day .he works full time and is out of the elements 80 hours longer then me .it’s hard to get a job when you have no address and cloths that are clean and a bath and very seldom do I have a phone .we have to eat out every day and that is so expensive so is gas we have to run are car all day long to keep warm.
      I cry every day I am just wasting away.and nobody in my family cares

      • Elaine White
        REPLY

        I’m currently in a divorce status after 27 years of his unfaithfulness, but I’m at peace with it. But I to get lonely, have children and grands, see them occasionally, my youngest is in college and we talk several times a day, and spend much time together, when she home other two older daughter workso very hard.we talk often and see each other at least every 3-4 month. I also get lonely, I do a lots by myself, jazz concerts, movies I would love to travel with someone and enjoy the rest of my life. I’m 63,3/4 years old
        I’m excited about the opportunity of being happy. I do love my God. And attend church regularly.

        • Cindy
          REPLY

          Don’t feel bad. I am now 68 but about 18 years ago I was in that same situation. In Colorado. There they did not and I assume, still do not have much help for people like us. I managed to get back to my home state. My entire family did not help me one single bit. My own mother even cashed checks of mine that came monthly to her house from my deceased first husband, so I had no money at all. But I went off on my own, purchased a home with no money, fixed it up, rented out rooms for money and still am living under the same roof 18 years later, by myself. I do no want to get mixed up with a man. I seem to choose the wrong ones anyways. I get extremely lonely but it could be worse, like being held hostage and not being able to do what you want for months on end. So, I am also afraid of meeting men. So, looks like I will die alone. My children don’t contact me often nor do they visit hardly ever. Everything is up to me, but I get so ill sometimes I cant get around to visit them. I would like to have another life but do not know what kind or how to go about it. Sometimes I just feel doomed to this mundane, lonely life of mine.

    • sandy
      REPLY

      I am so sorry for you. I do have four children. not a one helps my husband and I. my oldest daughter and husband live paycheck to paycheck. her husband makes good money. they have a beautiful home but always broke it seems. my son lives with me and my husband. he does whatever he can to help us. hes done this ever since coming here to live after his pancreatic cancer surgery in 2004. considering everything the doctors did to make sure they got all the cancer cells, hes doing very well. the only side effects are having to take digestion med. before he eats, the rest of his life. then I have the two young kids, girls ages 38 and 37. a few years ago they decided they wanted nothing more to do with me. they had a pretty good childhood with me and stepdad. the both of them were very close to me. we laughed and had so much fun. then one day they just stopped. it tore me up and I beg them to tell me why they wanted me out of their life and they would never say. my older grandkids has nohing to do with me either. I feel it might be since they realized I was getting older, they didn’t want to face my death one day. its all I could think of. so as it stands, I have none of these girls to ever help us out or even ask if they could do something for us. it sure hurts to be treated this way. I had six brothers and no sisters. my family were all very close years ago. two brothers passed away before they were sixty. none of the others talk to me. we are good people yet I do not know why people change so much as time goes by. we sit here with little food. and on s.s. I’m in bad health and my husband is in very bad health. I love all my kids and my family.. loving someone is cheap and wish they would at least give me that.

    • alone at 57
      REPLY

      I’m in the same situation and just recently became single once again. Hard to meet a good man period so its hard to shake the fear of being alone till the end.

  • Tom
    REPLY

    No, aging alone does not have to mean being lonely. But that is a truism. Being alone at any age does not have to mean being lonely. The salient point, for very many of us–as is corroborated in the biomedical and populational health literatures–is that being alone DOES for us mean being lonely. That other human beings who appear on the surface to be in similar circumstances as we are feel differently says only the obvious, that different people are different. In allopathy, no physician would find it a meaningful observation that a diagnosis of cancer doesn’t have to mean a low five-year-survival prognosis. Different diseases under the same name, and different patient characteristics obscure the meaning of “cancer,” as do distinct determinants obscure the meaning and experience of loneliness in different people.

    It’s great that some people enjoy solitude, or have found ways that for them remove the sting of loneliness. Unless these circumstances can be reliably and rigorously replicated with similar outcomes in the population overall (the lonely self-report, reliably, that they no longer feel lonely), we don’t have a broad intervention, but rather descriptions of what happens to work for some people–without knowing precisely why (constitution, particular life circumstances vs proposed intervention).

    I’m not trying to be mean or negative, but between the widespread shame attached to admitting to loneliness and the almost condescending this-worked-for-us-so-it-must-work-for-you-and-if-it-doesn’t-then-there’s-something-wrong-with-you-specifically sentiment that pervades so much anti-loneliness advice, the lonely can feel both overwhelmed and frustrated. They can’t admit they’re lonely, and if they do, they’re smothered with either platitudes or an expectation that others’ perspectives and experiences must also be theirs. There is no natural reason this should be the case.

    Hope everyone finds a solution to any chronic loneliness they might be experiencing.

    • Julie
      REPLY

      Isn’t there a book or manual on how not to be lonely? I am 45. I am lonely. I have a husband and one 11 year old daughter but feel alone. I crave a big family. My daughter was just sick and in the hospital and I didn’t know who to call to visit. I cared for aging relatives and they have passed and there is a feeling of loss and loneliness here. I want the community where when you are in the hospital people jump up and visit. I don’t know what I did wrong to end up here. I consider trying to adopt foster children to grow my family but wonder if they grow up and make their own family and leave and never look back. I seem to think without blood obligation I am destined to be alone, I feel terrible that my child is an only because I do not want her to be alone like me. I should have had many children but I had zero family support and had to care for sick and dying relatives. I took care of the old instead of making a life with young. I have friends but it doesn’t feel the same as family. I am looking for a village.

      • Linda W
        REPLY

        Thank your lucky stars you have a husband and daughter. I have NO ONE and a lot of other people are in my boat. Time for you to be grateful for what you do have and what you could lose.

      • Tom H
        REPLY

        Julie, I’m very sorry you’re feeling so lonely. If I had good advice, I’d have followed it myself. I hope you won’t think I’m picking on you in pointing something out, but I think it’s important to the way we build our communities–and could possibly mitigate some of the pain of loneliness.

        In speaking about your choice to take care of ailing parents, you wrote, “I took care of the old instead of making a life with young.” And earlier, in speaking about the fear that adult children you might adopt might go their separate ways and not pay much attention to you, you’d written, “I consider trying to adopt foster children to grow my family but wonder if they grow up and make their own family and leave and never look back.” I suspect the latter results often from a deeply entrenched cultural perspective that it is right/good for adult children to move on and look to building their own families. Aging parents should expect this and not begrudge the loss of contact with their once-families.

        I don’t think life has to be this way at all. It’s a choice. I’m not going to bore people with my own impressions of how this choice came to be, but if we abandon ailing elders to nurture relationships with those we expect to be here after our elders’ departure, then it’s reasonable that younger generations would feel similarly about us–and do this sooner and sooner, leaving many in their thirties and beyond bereft of vital companionship with loved ones.

        Just an observation. I really hope you find a way to fulfill your needs for companionship. If you do, please spread the word. Happy 2017.

    • Margaret
      REPLY

      Not that long ago i was feeling very lonely. i was allowing the void i felt to dictate my life. Because of health issues i am home bound most of the time. Cannot socialize because i am unable to eat regular meal ( many times only baby food, or simple smoothies.) and much of socializing in America is around meals. I got involved teaching Sunday School. Planted a simple children’s garden by their room. Quite by accident i started a free clothing closet for those in need or the homeless. It was still not enough. The void i felt from my son’s recent death and my grand kids growing up, my daughter moved away, out of state taking all her family with her. Until recntly i cried most of the day…my poor patient husband. Not long ago i reflected on a conversation i had with one of my grandson’s about a year ago. I always felt this urgency about us living in the last days. I have studied that subject well sine 1967. The conclusion of our conversation was that perhaps what i was feeling was my mortality. The emptiness was the sense of feeling detached from this world. I truly believe in my case that is the cause of my deep sense of isolation. I realized that the last days hold no meaning for me because the average life span in America is 78.8 years, i am 76. After i realized how close i am to going home i began to focus more on things that matter. In my case it is spiritual. I was able to release, past hurts, feeling of neglect, family, ambition, goals…all those thing are of this world. My home is not here but in the one to come. I now see whatever time i have left from a new perspective. I now live with a new sense of peace. “I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me.”

  • Truth
    REPLY

    Well i can actually Blame the Single women for that one since i will Admit that i am very sick and tired of being a Single man and Alone all the time that really Doesn’t have any friends at all since all my friends were very Blessed to be all settled down with their own life. Very much what i Would’ve wanted as well but was Never that lucky since i always do meet the Wrong women all the Time. Most women today are very Pathetic and such Losers as well which makes it very difficult for me especially that many of them have such a very Bad Attitude Problem and have No Manors at all when i will try to just start a Normal Conversation with them. Sometimes i will even get Cursed at when i see a woman that i would like to talk too so i could get to know her but she will just walk away from me which i will Never understand this at all.

    • Lucas Usher
      REPLY

      Hello Truth,

      After reading everyones letters on this site, we are not alone in isolation. I assume you are an American man talking about American women, I agree.

      Through this thread, it seems like people might change their street address, or phone number while remaining in the same culture and they wonder why nothing changes.
      Once you get outside American culture the world is very different. For the past 15 years I have lived as an expat in China, Chile, and Cambodia. All different cultures, but all of them much fun. The past 7 years I have lived in Cambodia., and for the most part enjoyed myself. On any Saturday, most of our conversations were based on how lucky we are to be living abroad. Most of us are teachers, so our weekends are usually free.

      I am 62 yeaars old, and I can learn a new language without too much more difficulty than my young students. It takes me longer, but as we age we learn the importance of persistance. Riding off road on my motorcycle, visiting with the farmers in a small village restaurant, or talking with monks at the temples, it is fun, this is what life is about, learning and having fun.

      It is not all happy and pleasant days, but the good days outnumber the bad days. There are those who hate us becuase we are different, there are those who cheat us, but once you learn their language and can understand them, being able to cheat us is at a minumum. However, the good people willing to share always out number the negative people who like to cheat.

      And the women, especially the farmers, you could not ask for better people. Arrogance and bad manners are looked down on in all three of these cultures.

      I hope this gives you some insight into what the world has to offer, and most of it is quite good and alot of fun.

      Cheers,

      Lucas

      • Kathy M.
        REPLY

        Hi Lucas
        I am alone – and very much agree with all you said – from an opposite gender perspective. I care, and need someone who can reciprocate. Females are ‘cared for’ from an early age, taught to hold our tummies in, stand straight, and be good. Long gone are the days of virginity, replaced by nights when sleeping alone is anything but comforting. My mindset is still fixed on finding a man who cares, will invest of his time with honorable intentions. I have never been a one-night girl, and friends with benefits is not my idea of anything short of usage followed by abandonment. The worst kind of loneliness. I am not a social butterfly. I am an introvert. No desire to travel. Love to be “home” puttering away at some project. Easy cooking — pasta & sauce or stir-fry with rice. I am still a lady. And words that demonstrate frustration – “cussing” – are perfectly fine when used proportionate to the event. I laugh, giggle, play Euchre, don’t drink, and relish the opportunity to be kind to others. I was a public servant — an honorable position that I take pride in. I will always be “that” person. It’s more than a past job – it’s a state of mind. I need to be held. Men do that better than anyone else. Your gift to women. We each have what the other desires – by design! I am 62 and scared to death. I am determined to NOT be one who my only son must “care for”. He has his own life. I do not want him to worry about me. I have been in 2 abusive relationships and fear some men who have anger issues or hidden rage, and ulterior motives. I live in NY. Not the City. New York is a large state! Safe communities abound. Seneca Falls is the backdrop of “Its a Wonderful Life”. Producer Capra passed through in 1939 and found it idyllic. As do I. The thought of living without love is abhorant // foreign // unnatural to me. Always the romantic. I will never give up – but finding a man is like high school all over again. Does he like me? Will I see him again? Does he mind being “texted”? Will he fear being trapped? Does he care? Is he caring enough? If I have a cigarette, am I committing a social sin? Can I tease him? Will he hurt me? I have been on dating sites. They are too expensive!! So do I hang out at Lowes or Home Depot? I am scared by the uncertainty as I look for a place to live. I just moved out of my apartment because people there are just “living” there. Ten months and no friends! They come home from work and go inside and that’s that! Swimming is something I love — very happy when the pool opened. Then July 20 I fell on the concrete by the pool and fractured my foot!! Major bummer. No swimming for me. Docs said I need to be where I have the support of family & friends. Where’s that? I looked at a couple of senior living centers – the mean age is 80! I’m not ready for that. I can be a girly girl – or a tomboy – a friend & lover…. where have all the wonderful men gone? I am a trusting soul, praying God will send me someone special. Male & Female. I have always been more comfortable with men than women. Raised on a farm with 3 older brothers and working with men – I am weary. I am temporarily staying with my son — TEMPORARILY — but where next, I just don’t know. I am OPEN-MINDED, intelligent & need a hand to hold. God is omnipotent – using us all to help each other. Ever notice how we “fit” together. It’s not an accident.

        • Truth
          REPLY

          To Lucas, well i know that i made my comment at the end of September which for what i have said is the Truth since i had a friend that just had this happened to him last month too unfortunately. The women of today which most of them are Nothing at all like the real Good old fashioned women were since Most of them in those days really had a lot of Respect for men as well as Most of the men that really did have Respect for the women as well. Now with so many women today making a Six Figure Income it is Worst since definitely Most of them now are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and so very money hungry which really speaks for itself right there since they will only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less do to their greed and selfishness unfortunately. I never expected to be all Alone now at my age at the same age as you which is 62. I was married at one time which i was a very Good Husband to my Ex Wife at that time which i Loved her very much and had a lot of Respect for her as well since i was very much Committed in my marriage which it still Wasn’t Good Enough for her at all. She was the one that Cheated on me which really Devastated me at the time when i found out since he really turned out to be the Low Life Loser that i Never expected. It is sad that many marriages are Failing over this which it is the women that have Destroyed many Good marriages because of this already since a friend that i know had it happened to him as well. Our family members were very Blessed back in their time to meet one another in those early days since the times were completely different too since Most marriages did work out as well. And many of our family members are still together today as i speak which makes it very Amazing as well. It was just too very bad that many of us men that are still Single today Weren’t born back then since many of us really Would’ve been all settled down ourselves as well. Quite a Change in the women of today since they’re very much too Blame for our Singleness now which makes it very sad for many of us Good Innocent men that Aren’t Single By Choice. Thank you very much for your support. Peace.

      • Jean i
        REPLY

        Hi there
        I do not talk to strange men out in public.
        Because of bad experience. There are guys out there who are known as super market Casanova’s
        They hang out in grocery stores and they won’t just steal your heart but anything else they can
        But I have issues I admitted it. A lot of women do. So do a lot of men. But I am Not looking for romance. I could honestly use some friends
        It would be nice to know how to form a senior peer group and makmake connection for no other reason than yellowish.
        Particular those of us of very small means.
        Any suggestions

        • larry G
          REPLY

          Hi Kathy,

          I am a man that has reached out to two ladies just lately. I was in a very strong pen-pal and than telephone conversations with a professional lady in Las Vegas. She was from the Phillipines but been I American for 29 years and a beautiful lady. After 3.5 weeks she somehow almost fell in love with me and wanted me to come out to Vegas and stay with her for a week. She could only see me in February since her job of doing 29,000 payroll for the Casino business she worked 65 hour weeks. SO, I came to the conclusion that I did not have the kind of money to go out to Vegas a number of times to find out if she was my soulmate, and again she had very little time once I was in Vegas. So, I called it off because to much risk on my part if this did not work out. A lot of hours communicating and money to see her. My friends told me to find someone closer. Well, I did and we want out on a Coffee date. She was a singer and I am and we hit it off quite good. I set up a second date to go dancing and she comes up with the idea now that she is looking to get married instead of just a long term relationship. I have also gone out with a few other very nice women over the past 5 years with a great initial date and than they back out of wanting to get more involved. ONe lady told me the date we had was the best she had ever been on. I bought her meal, candy, a card and a CD of love songs. A week later she breaks the date to go dancing and afraid to really get deep into a relationship. So, many women want someone o show interest in them, but, are emotionally scarred from past relationships as I have had two bad ones myself.

          I will say this about the times we are living in. Most people just do not care what you think about anything. People live in a bubble and are involved with in a small world of people. The interaction with people we meet
          is on the surface. We do not stop long enough to find out what is on our hearts. Everyone is moving at a fast pace. My own step children and blood son rarely ever call, except on fathers day or maybe Christmas. Why, they are so wrapped up with there own families they have little time for dad or mom We are out of site and out of mind. I have decided not to go to social media anymore. I may get more involved with the community
          and go the musicals where people have my same interests.

          I do feel for you, Kathy. I hope that someone special can come along. It just seems like the harder you try the more you get knocked down.

        • Dee
          REPLY

          I agree many women are looking for $$$ but many men just looking for that #10. This is not limited to the American people. Finding that caring individual , generous with compassion that is genuine and truthful is difficult no matter what gender. Only when you look beyond the physical to give a person the opportunity to know the real person can you make meaningful connections that can lead to successful relationships. I married my husband because we laughed together. We shared a love for music and art. We were both teachers and had similar goals in our careers and married life. He passed away 7 yrs ago. We had great times and horrible times. It is life.

        • Ann
          REPLY

          Regards your remarks re women of today, you forgot to mention how society, (women, in this case) have become nothing more than sewer trash….they walk around everywhere almost “naked” to the bone….with no shame whatsoever. For christ’s sake, so often what you see on the street or even on TV with the Hollywood Elite “gutter trash”,,,you wonder why they even bothered to put on the little band aid that they did.
          C’mon…tell the truth, this society is a society of filth. BTW, I am the furthest thing from being a PRUDE, if you only knew me but in the name of god, where does it end. there is no limit whatsoever today. They want respect but you really have to earn respect…don’t mean to go on but this society couldn’t go any further into filth and mud than it is right now.

          And, the second item I would like to bring up is that hey, most of you on this site are in your 40’s 50’s and thereabouts. The site says “Senior Planet” but most of you are really not in your Senior years such as myself…I am 71…I have aged before my time…and do not recognize myself anymore. I am totally alone and ill and the thought of what will happen to me (even at the end) is something which terrifies me. But what can you do…I totally believe in destiny and unfortunately whoever wrote my “story” up there forgot to give me just a little break! :) Be well and find someone to share your lives with to the end…it is such a crime to be alone in your later years…Wish you all the best …

    • Zipporah
      REPLY

      Hi,
      Sorry. There are also women aged over 50 like me who have the same experience with men like you do with women. .
      Get someone to talk to and you will know a good person immediately.
      I’m just like you.
      Good day

      • Barb
        REPLY

        Hi Ann, I relate and respect your options. I am 68 widow of 24 years, still alone but happy. I have two sons with grandkids. Most week ends we get together and share meal time watch movies and laugh! I bought my kids up in a happy home , they have successful careers and that makes me happy. I’ve stayed positive all my life even with its ups and downs. It’s really not difficult finding senior friend at a senior center. Theirs games, dances ,classes you name it. I find that once you let yourself be complacent it becomes harder to make the change….so then you find yourself alone and lonely. Hence, the mind has more time to think! I find myself reaching out, calling everyone i know and maybe just one has the time to go somewhere and do something. It works all the time. the more i reach out the better i feel and so do they. Being alone to long will eventually lead to depression. I’ve retired at 65 but kept busy with everything i could, gardening ,trips , and love to help volunteer at the nursing homes. I find days that i’ve stayed home others call and check up on me, i do the same.
        My advise to everyone …don’t give up on helping someone, reaching out to others works both ways , their no good reason to stay lonely….get out so we can find each other…. Bless you all …Be Grateful…

    • Elaine White
      REPLY

      Good for you Margaret, God is my strength, as well. I believe that if we give back not just financially but helping others help us take our eyes off our problems. Loneliness is real and will rob us of our life, I ad I said I look forward to enjoy many more years here and try hard to live a life pleasing to our God. As I read all the letters, it’s enough of us to get together and keep each other company, we should try it.

  • Candace
    REPLY

    Hello everyone,

    I see many of us are in the same boat except my boat sailed across the Atlantic. March 1st I sold my condo and car, put things in storage and bought a one way ticket to Lisbon, Portugal. So. Here I am. Problem is at 71 it’s time for me to be sensible and think of the future. I had to sell my condo because fees were outrageous and management horrible.

    I have no family and no real close friends. My funds are somewhat depleted and I don’t know an affordable and safe place to move to when I return to the U.S. I don’t know where to go. I’ve managed to make myself rootless.

    I’ve lived well, have a good education. I am not a bingo playing, knitter (no offense to those who do). I’ve lived in the Midwest and the Northeast but am afraid of being in a high crime, drug and gun happy place. Apartments are so expensive everywhere I look. I’m also considering a tiny house but want to be in a town, not isolated in the country. I’m worn out trying to figure out my life.

    If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

    My email is golfytype@yahoo.com

    Thank you

    • Lela Thomas
      REPLY

      Hello Candace,
      how are you this evening. I came upon this site during my search for a senior willing to tell their life story for my college project. I am enrolled in Social Sciences, and taking a class on aging. I am not quite there yet as far as senior planet. I am 54 divorced black american. I am a licensed insurance agent for Liberty Mutual. Your life sounds so interesting I wanted to reach out to find out how you managed. what was the outcome. i did not note the date you posted your email on here. You are just under the wire for my project. I need to hear the life story of a 75 year old. I face fears about the future. I am unmarried, estranged from my only son. my sister lives in the same town but is married and very busy with her own life. I enjoy gardening, dancing listening to live music poetry performances etc. I have a best friend for over 20 years but as we age we spend less and less time together. I would love to hear where you ended up. Traveling the way you did sounds absolutely fabulous.

      Knd regards,

    • Susan
      REPLY

      Hi Candace & Ladies, I am basically in the same boat although I stayed in the same state. I’m 66, 2 married kids in Michigan, 2 grandkids, widow at 44 and moved to Florida as my parents were here. I sold my home last April because I wanted to experience/explore different places in Florida or the Carolina’s to live. After selling my home I went on goldengirlsnetwork.com to do look for a “room share”. Well, thinking this would be a great safe way to explore different areas it was very difficult to get ladies to reply to my emails. In fact, no one did replay, but they still have postings on the web site. That I could not figure out. So, now I go to Craig’s list and look. Yes, I took a chance, but it was hard to get anyone on CL to reply. I have a very good profile, pictures, owned my own decorating business, phone number, etc., hardly get anyone to respond. Finally I found a place in St. Augustine, Fl., and everything worked out. The lady is my age and works, does not have a lot of money to do anything so I’m kind of not doing anything…..except shop and go to the beach by myself which is like 5 minutes away. This is NOT what I expected my life to be at 66, but I’m doing ok. There are no jobs close except if you want to drive a half hour and I don’t. I usually babysit my grandkids during the summers so they do not have to go to summer camp (day care) so I drive from Florida every year to Michigan and then back, this keeps me busy for 4 months. My home was on the Gulf coast and was getting just a little boring doing all the upkeep on things that I used to enjoy. So, here I am. It’s not a bad arrangement at all and I’m looking in a month or two to move on to another area. Candace, I think you might like the “room share” thing. Do a search on your computer for listings and web sites that do room share, please take a look at Craig List’s it does not cost a thing. Think about it, you could move just about any place and then look for a condo. CL has a map you can see whats on the coast or any area you are interested in. When you get on CL and take a look, put in “picture” of home/condo, own bathroom, even what you want to spend a month. This does not cost a thing. Of course you will want references and they will also. Are you still in Lisbon? How did you find your place there. CL is international also. Please, anyone, let me know if I can be of any help!

    • vicki Ho
      REPLY

      I’ll be 57 in a short while. A widow twice. Single. My family does live nearby so I’m lucky there. But dealing with chronic pain limits my life from doing the things I’d like to do. I was mostly a stay at home Mom. Had to go back into the work force. It’s difficult being alone and trying to keep up with everything. Seems like everything is hard these days. Have been dealing with depression. Also have been considering renting out a room at my home..

    • Florence Gales
      REPLY

      Good Morning Candace
      I’m 70, lost my husband of 30 wonderful years, I seriously mean wonderful., it’s been 5 years. I also had a condo that I sold a year ago. Now everyone in my family except my son thought I was nuts but I sold and gave away almost everything I owned, at my age they became ( just things) I didn’t want to pay for a mini storage. I purchased the most beautiful 40′ 5th wheel( travel trailer) I have ever seen. Top of the line, leather, king size bed, washer/dryer, dishwasher, 2 lazy boy leather recliners, couch that makes into a bed and with the push of a button the big screen TV goes down behind the wall. I’m a realtor, white, have feel like I paid my debt to society and my family. I have it sitting on the waterfront with the most beautiful sun sets I have ever experienced.. I have never been so happy, I have two sons and a daughter. The only person that truly cares about me is my son.
      My other children have never come to just check on me, just to see how I’m doing, other family members, nothing and I’m 23 minutes from them. This is my choice, but I don’t know that being blood related gives them a pass, I value anyone’s friendship that will just enjoy my company. No more taxes, no more condo fees and awful mismanagement. You will pay about 350 a month but that includes electricity, water, cable etc. the trick is put it on a private lot or seniors only. I have private lot. I paid 55,000 and that was all I had. I live in Florida, born and raised here. It’s just a thought. Would love to hear from you.
      Florence

      • Debi K
        REPLY

        I am also 57, worked FT all my life mostly as a single mom. Now 2 kids are grown and gone. I had to quit working 4 yrs ago due to health/mental issues. Working was my purpose. Now I am alone, don’t like leaving the house and have no friends or family really. My son does try to help me once every couple wks for a couple hours and to get me out. But he is busy trying to work and have his own life. I don’t want to burden. I have become socially awkward in a sense (very social in my younger days) due to lack of human contact. I have always been a fighter. But my depression is taking over again – I feel no purpose. I do own my town home and rent a room that has been separated from my living part. So I don’t see them but once a month when they pay rent. I couldn’t have a renter in my home with me, just couldn’t. I just wish I had that one friend, to keep each other going and be a loyal support system for each other. The pain of this loneliness is worse than my depression, failed back surgery, other health issues, not to mention my brain doesn’t work the way it used to. I just don’t know how to keep going to a better place instead of sinking deeper into this pain and depression.

    • Paul R.
      REPLY

      Hi Candace,
      My name is Paul. and it sounds like we have a lot in common. I lost my wife of 57 years last Nov.
      I live in the pacific north west, but unlike you I have a great family that all live within 90 miles. Four kids,
      six grand kids, four great grand kids, but they don’t smother me. I am a very healthy 81 years old. I love
      working in the yard in the summer, but the winters here are wet and dreary in the winter, but I stay
      busy in side. live in town of about 25,000, and about 15 miles from a town of 75,000. I have never been
      good at approaching women, and every time I think about it, I think what have to offer as like you I have
      limited income, and funds. I would love to have a lady companion to talk with and maybe do a little traveling
      with, but I guess we have to do with what we have.
      Would love to hear from you, but if not I wish you the best, and hope you find that place to settle you
      are are looking for.

  • Cindy
    REPLY

    Hello Everyone!

    I am an unemployed 64 year old woman who is just now coming to terms with what alone means. I have been raising the youngest of my three sons alone for 20 years but he is out of the house and striking out on his own. My eldest is estranged from me due to his drug addiction and the fact that he stole so much from me. Middle son is busy with career and toddler and youngest is just now finding himself. That leaves Mom to figure out where to live and what to do.

    Middle son and wife (with toddler) seemed enthusiastic for me to be closer to them until I put my home up for sale and started looking then their enthusiasm waned, leaving me in a quandary. Do I move where I am really not eagerly wanted? It breaks my heart not to have a child that eagerly wants mom in the same town! I am healthy, independent was working until my house sold, at which time I had to resign. I am totally independent but planning for those days when independence starts to change and assistance is needed.

    The challenges of aging without a partner are bearing down on me. Those who have a mate have someone with whom they can share these kinds of thoughts. Someone who can share the challenges of selling a home, relocating and other important life decisions, not to mention the physical, social, spiritual and emotional support that comes from having a loved one close by.

    Today I feel pretty isolated and alone as it is impossible to share this with someone younger or who has a partner. I have friends, was active with my job (teaching) and have a few great MeetUp groups that I do things with. Even finding ways to connect with others my age and situation has become a task, a chore I don’t enjoy. So the task ahead for me and it looks like some of you:

    Where to live, close to family even though they are neutral about your being there or strike out for destinations unknown
    In a house (I love working in my yard), condo or apartment (both would be a cage to me)
    How to make these tough decisions when income is limited and savings nil
    Who to even bounce these tough decisions off of

    I am all questions and no answers!

  • J Milller Wolfe
    REPLY

    Living alone was now what I expected but when my husband died, I was left alone. Fortunately, his daughters found a way for me to be on my own without being a problem for others. I have my mornings and evenings to myself and during the mid day, there is someone who comes to take me places I want to go and who are also happy to just stay with me coloring in my many coloring books. These women and the books have made my living alone much easier and I am very happy with it.

    • Candace
      REPLY

      I understand your dilemma. I am 71 and don’t know where to live that’s both safe and affordable. I, too, have no one to consult.

      I’m desperate.

      • bunnie
        REPLY

        Try looking for an income affordable senior apartment which is what I am doing. They are very reasonable even if you are just living on your Social Security. They do not have meal service but have community rooms to meet other seniors, activities and some have workout rooms for exercise. You can Google them on the Internet in your area and most have photos to look at. Many have waiting lists so you need to hurry and get on several waiting lists of the places you like.

  • Peggy Evans
    REPLY

    I am right there with you all. I am 71, retired RN, (for 1 year) widowed, alone and introverted by nature. No close friends. Not looking for a man but a friend, an acquaintance . Someone that I have something in common with and with whom I can carry on an intelligent conversation. 5+ years I have been alone and it has been a surreal nightmare. I have children who are so “busy” I rarely see them and occasional texts. I want to share a text I sent to my daughter yesterday after she texted me that I live the way I chose. That I I had options.
    Me: I don’t think I have a lot of options honey. Honestly with no self pity. I went to the Y and visited. Seemed like it would be OK for water aerobics but other than that, I wouldn’t use a weight roomer walking track. etc. plus it’s a monthly fee and $700 a year for membership. I went to “Meet Up” online and looked for birdwatching groups, animal advocates things I thought would interest me. Everything seems to be central Nashville and west. The vast majority of them are for twenty somethings. I don’t want to work anymore!! I had that responsibility on me 51 years. I thought I still had something to offer life and that life could offer me in return. Being old (the calendar and my physical body says this is so) and alone in this world is not an option I wanted but here it is. The best analogy is like trying to explain to someone what having a baby is like. You can’t do it unless that person has experienced it. Getting old is the same way. Oh I don’t sit here and cry crocodile tears. At least I have had the fortune to be able to get old. I just wish God hadn’t allowed me to stay this long. I didn’t want to lose my independence and dignity. As of today I am still independent. But dignified? I don’t feel that way any more. Being alone has taken a part of my person. I often feel wheedling, and silly. The chicken lady or the cat lady or crazy granny. Everyone I know has a family, a purpose……well, they have a life! I have gotten treatment for my depression (SUCH a godsend) I am not lazy or apathetic. I stay busy but part of me is gone. That I hate.

        • Bev
          REPLY

          What I meant to say before I hit the wrong button, was I am 70 & have very busy children also. I was always married,raising my kids as a stay at home mom & then babysitting my grandchildren. Noe I’m really alone. My youngest grandson is 14 & very busy too. I find myself miserable and watching a lot of TV. Totally not me. I used to have so many friends & attended social events. Now it’s just me. I put maybe 10 miles a month on my car. Hate it but feel like I’m in so deep I can’t get out.

  • Patsi Robison
    REPLY

    Hi,
    I have been a teacher and intervention specialist for 43 years, extremely busy and also then hanging out with the educators after work.

    I have been married but divorced long ago, dated some but no one in the picture now. I thought I couldn’t wait for retirement but now feel like a ship without a rudder. I live in Western Washington. I have tried a couple meet ups but they seemed like younger people and kind of clannish.

    I like to go to foreign and independent films, a little wine tasting, an occasional casino trip but pretty frugal with my paltry teacher pension.

    Glad to meet you all!
    Patsi

    • Diane Harris
      REPLY

      Hi Patsy!

      I’m in the same boat here in Oregon, although I’m one of those married lonely people. I’ve been trying to connect with other Boomer women but, for whatever reason, they are hard to find. I came up empty on Meetup, too, so I am contemplating starting a group myself. There have to be other women out there who want to do more than sit around. What about plays! Antiquing! Exploring new places! Taking a class! Vineyard visits! Walking on the beach! And just sitting around talking about life and laughing! There a a lot of things to do that don’t cost much — “I’m just looking!” is my mantra. It’s the connection that’s important to me.

      There are so many of us and I keep thinking there has to be a way to get connected. Women NEED women.

      Keep chugging!

      Diane

      • Emily
        REPLY

        I am in Salem and am interested in going to plays, connecting for conversation, etc. with a fellow boomer woman. I am married. Let me know if you are within a doable distance. Emily 67, mildly but progressively handicapped. I am not religious.

      • Sherry Eklund
        REPLY

        Hi Diane,

        I’m in the same boat!

        We moved to Oregon in November, fully retired. We had been traveling between San Diego and Seaside OR for a few years before the move. We always enjoyed it and I never felt a sense of loneliness.

        Now that we are here full time I feel very isolated and alone. My husband keeps himself busy with sports news, projects and television. I like to get together with people for walks, meals, music, wine tasting, exploring, movies, events in or out of the area. I’m not having any luck finding any groups or get-togethers here.
        I have been going to some exercise classes where members are certainly friendly, but I never see the same people twice. It’s a struggle for sure, and my husband doesn’t understand why his presence is not enough.

        I am 56 and my husband is 63.
        Where in Oregon are you?

        Take care,
        Sherry

    • Rosa
      REPLY

      Hi Patsi, my name is Rosa and also a teacher and principal for 38 years. Retirement is a strange feeling being that our jobs entailed daily and multiple human interactions. Our jobs were very rewarding and I do miss the attention.
      Prior to retiring, I practiced for 3 years , looking for right volunteer service, planning trips, and looked for a part time job. I see retirement as changing jobs to less stressful ones with flexibility.
      I have many activities that keep me busy- volunteer work, part time job at university, gym, 2 sons at home, girlfriends, church…..but I desire someone being my romantic and significant man.
      I don’t want to go husband hunting, so I will give this dilemma for God to decide.
      Good luck with the struggles, it will be wonderful for us soon.
      Rosa

  • Gracie
    REPLY

    I’m Gracie, I’m 70, I just want someone that i can talk to.I loved fishing,camping but since I gave up driving I now listen to music (oldies) I mostly read (supernatural romance) mainaly C. Feehan. I go to casinos, play games on my cell phone. And so on.

  • Mary Ann Lentini
    REPLY

    Hi. I’m a 69 year young widow. All my life I gave my all to my husband, children, running a business and helping my husband with his business. Never had time for socializing. Now I am paying the price. Few devastating setbacks made me feel so useless and depressed but iI am over that now. My kids are grown with families of their own and I want to make female and male friends to socialize with. I live in South Jersey and don’t know where or how to go out and meet people. Any suggestions? Tired of waiting for my family to have the time to spend with me!

    • Sandy
      REPLY

      Hello!

      I am 71 yrs young. I am a widow of 5 years for the second time. We were married 25 years. My first husband died before turning 34 with a massive hear attack. I have no children, but I do have 2 step-daughters who live in Virginia. I love both very much, but we do not get to visit much. However, we do speak by phone and send emails. I have been invited to come visit, but haven’t yet. Maybe I will, God willing!

      I attend church weekly and I love my church family. Great people who would help me for sure. I try to keep moving forward, but I do feel lonely at times. I believe that being a widow when younger is a lot easier than when you are older. Anyway, that is what I have come to realize. Another thing that helped me when I lost my first husband was my parents were living then and they supported me so much. The second time I became a widow my parents were deceased. I was lost without them. I pray for daily strength!!

    • GuardianAngel
      REPLY

      Hey. You should try a website called meetup
      I’ve known people who use it to find local gatherings in their area to meet new people. Also the perfect place to meet people more naturally is a gym. Sign up for a class (you will meet people and also improve your health which helps you feel better anyway! A class you can handle depending on your fitness level.) don’t be afraid to initiate a get together!

    • Diane
      REPLY

      Hi Mary Ann
      I can relate! Lost my partner 2 yrs ago, all my fam lives in NY, I’m in VA. I hvnt found/ made friends& I’m so lonely& alone. I crave a friendship with a man now, to have girlfriends to hang out with. Anyone out here that lives in VA looking to make a good friend? Or lkng to make a good friend regardless of where u live?

    • Marie
      REPLY

      Hi Mary Ann. I can empathize with you and I am formerly from New Jersey. I’m a 69 year old widow of 3 and 1/2 years, have 3 sons all living in middle of country which is where I am now. They are in 3 different states, by the way, all either 500 or 1000 miles apart. My husband and I went to CA for a job opportunity in 1998 and it was pretty great until he came down with memory issues and you can guess the rest. I had to move after he got laid off and wound up in TX with only son available at the time. Always feeling like I missed the chance to go home. I still think about it. It’s hard trying to blend in with my sons friends and his wife’s family. I feel like an outsider though they are always nice to me. Almost impossible to make friends as I don’t care to join most things available to folks my age. Anyway, I’m always optimistic and generally a happy person but need to get out and travel and talk and shop. Nice to read your story.

    • Lyn
      REPLY

      Hi Mary Ann,

      I read your comment and wanted to reach out to you. I want to connect with people also and live in South Jersey. If you would like to email me, Senior Planet has my email on file and has my permission to give it to you. I think we have a lot in common and this just may be the start of a great friendship.

      Hope to hear from you,
      Lyn

    • Gio
      REPLY

      I can empathize as I have devoted my life for my family now I feel I need to make time for myself and live a little I too live in southern New Jersey could use a good friend please let me know if there are any support or upcoming events in area thank you and wish everyone a blessed year.G:)

  • Lynn
    REPLY

    My life has run the course that many women have experienced: marriage (not the head over heals in love kind), kids, jobs outside the home… all-in-all productive and mostly satisfying. At 60 I left my marriage of 30 years, moved out of state, got a good job, made new friends, lived on my own and took care of myself. I’ve always felt like a strong, smart, capable woman. But lately I only feel lost. At 65 I left my job to once again move out of state to be near my children, one of whom I live with. Wow, loneliness and worry have hit me like a sledgehammer!

    Redefining oneself at 65 is hard work and exhausting. I did try a meet-up group, but all the ladies seem to have a lot of money, so it’s not a fit. Joined the YMCA. I’m looking for work again since Social Security won’t cover all my expenses, and I’m trying to balance my $ need with what I hope will be a more personally satisfying job… not just a 9-5. I do lose hope that I will ever meet a “love of my life”, but still wish for that. I can’t imagine anything better than finding the friend and love you want to go through life with… a mutually helpful, supportive, fun relationship. I will keep trying.

    • Barb
      REPLY

      My age has seemed to Stop Me….acing ,pains and just slowing down with a few friends that feel the same. I am a widow now for 22 years. Past relationships just haven’t been a match! I would Love to get up in the Mornings and find myself with a good attitude and feel like dancing. I know i must keep myself occupied. But some days ambition just runs out.

      So i will keep trying to find new things to do ,so i must lose this boredom!!

  • Karen
    REPLY

    Bit of advise to all
    Please everyone be careful on the internet. Never use your real email, name, or phone number. Never give out any personal information. Always be careful in the information you do give out and of course never give anyone any money or financial information. That being said anyone that wants a friend that they will never meet, just someone to talk with. Write me at Karenbiloxi@yahoo.com.

    • Rich
      REPLY

      Have you talked with anyone here from Ohio? If I’d become friendly with anyone I would at least have an opportunity to one day meet. I’m a male.

      • Khoe
        REPLY

        Karen you are so right, I for one was hurt many time by young women for the same reason and that is I prefer senior and elderly ladies without thinking about their age per I’m not looking for age in a woman instead I prefer caring and of course the rest will follow..
        Khoe

      • Emma
        REPLY

        Hi Rich I am also from Ohio. I am a woman just turned 60. I would love to meet some one to chat and become friends and possibly meet

  • Kate Brown
    REPLY

    I was perusing the internet under “lonely” (that’s not so easy to type to the world) and it landed me on this place. I would love to have folks to chat with via email. I do still work (at home) and spend a lot of time on a computer … that’s an old story. I’m almost 65, live in Texas, but I can’t see how location should mean much. I have great kids, but they are grown up and I sure can’t see them every day :).
    kate4friendsUSA@gmail.com

    Love to give it a try.

    KMB

    • Helen
      REPLY

      Hi Kate, I’m from Texas also and would love to correspond with you. I am doing part-time home health work just to have a few extra bucks each month. I lost my husband in 2014, my mom and youngest sister, and my lab in 2015, and this year another sister, so it’s been a bad 2 1/2 years for me. When my sister passed in April it hit me hard. I just turned 70 in July and suddenly felt very alone. My sister had moved in with me and shortly after learned she had cancer. I miss her so much, though we always seemed to fuss at each other like two kids, lol. I haven’t been able to get over it all yet but I’m trying. I like being outdoors a lot, I have dogs I love to death, and I’m trying to learn how to sew. I don’t have the knack for it but I got the sewing machine set up on the table so there’s one accomplishment! The years go by so quickly, and I miss having people to talk to. What sort of work do you do at home? I was looking online for some type of work I could do at home, though the only work I’ve ever really done was 30 years of secretarial. Well, take care, I’d love to chat with you.

  • Karen
    REPLY

    I am 61 years old and just looking for people to talk with. My last two husbands died and am not looking for a relationship. I am unable to get out and around. What are the best chat rooms or ways to find someone to talk with.?

  • Bill
    REPLY

    Well if i really had been very lucky to meet the right woman in my life to have a family which i really could have been all settled down by now with my wife and family to grow old with. But i certainly wasn’t that lucky at all which someday i hope i will since growing old and being Alone would really suck for me.

  • TheRealTruthOfAll
    REPLY

    Well for a Good man like me that really wanted to find a Good woman to settle down with, which has become so very difficult since many women these days just Don’t want a relationship anymore.

    • barb
      REPLY

      I feel the same way. I am not opposed to getting into a serious relationship, but am just looking for friends to communicate and do fun activities with. If I find someone special along the way that’s wonderful.

    • kathy
      REPLY

      i know what your saying. i have no one and it does get lonely. looking for a really nice man for a good friend and who knows maybe more down the line. In this day and age you cant be too careful but keep the faith. Someone will come along. kathy

    • Linda
      REPLY

      I was reading you message. I would like to get to know more about you. In what state do you like in? I live in MD. I lost my husband .die 11 years ago. I would like to know more about you. Linda

  • Renee
    REPLY

    Wow… So many of us all alone! I am looking for someone to go to lunch with… Shopping.. a movie.. I never posted here looking for a boyfriend… Just a friend. I’m thinking we may all have a calling here. Seek out other lonely seniors and buddy up. Like I said, I live in SoCal my email is nocrapola@yahoo.com

  • Sun Badger
    REPLY

    I am Sisyphusian in my loneliness. Every day I belive this will be the day, as I try again, to roll the right stone up the incline. At the end of the day, it falls. I am left with an all for naught. I am in a cast from ankle fusion nessisated from a parachute drop in VN. I am 100% disabled Vet So the ankle confined me to my house, of which I am the only occupant. My girlfriend of 5 years, decides to clean me out by cashing bad checks, the month before my op. Then the next month she has a new guy, just shows up. Not a word of explanation, no visits or calls. It is obvious that her new realonship is intimately realonship. I do not know what more I could have done. My childhood friend has the attitude that it is OK to take from me, following my ex gf. He works so I will not see him for several days. So I have most of my time spent with myself . I am very much the man, I am kind to a fault, intellectual with out being arrogant, cannot carry a gruge, am always giving positive my friends post I’ve pets. Never do I try to change my friend, I am generous always maybe a little to much, I am honest, loyal, sharing, one realonship at a time, I have never cheated on friend. Skinner and I really enjoy sex ( not that I have been involved

        • Marion
          REPLY

          You don’t have to be lonely. Find a house of worship that have some senior members. We make great friends willing to listen and lend emotional support when need.

          • Anna

            The house of worship that I use to go to is not exactly friendly….I am poor they are mostly rich, it is simple as that…I cannot do the things they do because you have to pay for every activity.

          • Minerva

            True. I tried that after I lost my husband of 45 years, but it became a chore trying to keep up with all the activities..I prefer to be alone, and just socialize with my children and granschildren. I go to daily Mass, shop as needed and then I just stay home. I don’t even like to talk over the phone. People exhaust me. I do read and watch TV. So I keep up with the world.

          • Khoe

            Hello, Marion, the worship centers are the worst place to be when lonely you become more lonely than ever, I supported a startup church of member of 12 people only, every Sunday I feed the all members from 12 till the church went from 12 to 313 members and I keep feeding them. In 2004 I was in terrible accident almost die the pastor was my best friend he only visits 2 times and the best part is none the members ever call to know how I was doing until this day, the pastor relocate to another State, My son my girlfriend were killed also at that time again no nobody in the call and this is 15 years, so please stay away from the worship place, the love you only when you give them money.
            Stay well.

          • Art

            yes me to stay alone don’t go no place just in fall for hunting some fishing I watch lots of tv and moves to

        • Marsha Tegl
          REPLY

          I’m single by choice and have been for a long time. The longer I’m single, the more I know it’s how I want to be. Yes, I get lonely, not as much as some people I know.
          I’m very seriously thinking of starting a seniors living alone group, a start… a way to meet others and for all of us to have others to talk with, face to face. I just have to find a neutral setting to meet in.
          Wish me luck.

        • Renee
          REPLY

          I live by Palm Springs, CA. I am 100% alone. At this point in time I’m considering moving to VA. At least the cost of living is better for a senior

          • Kat M

            Hello to all. I just typed “alone and poor and 60 years old” in the Google search and ended up here. I used to live in southern California but moved to North Carolina in 2013 because my daughter was accepted to grad school here. We currently live together – she got her masters degree but is still working at Walgreens, which makes me very sad. I finally got a job for the State of NC – and I thought I was SO lucky at the time – but now I am trapped in a horrible job with people I cannot stand. I had a few friends in California – but it had become just “hi, how are you?” on Facebook and now I don’t even do that anymore. I have two work friends – one male and one female – they are both married and closer to retirement than I am – and they both travel a lot with their spouses. We do not socialize outside of work, of course. I am quite alone. My daughter has friends here now that she met while she was in grad school, so between working odd hours and going out with her friends, we do not see each other that much. I have been applying like crazy for jobs the past year, trying to get out of my current employment situation, but this State is very good ol’ boy, and southerners tend to look down on non-southerners – and I always heard before moving here that people were nicer. Ha, ha. I am getting ready to go out on stress leave, hoping I can find another job during that time. However, another thing about THIS state as opposed to California is that NC has a 60 day waiting period before you can draw disability. The California waiting period is 7 days. What is wrong with this picture? Most people are probably not on short term disability more than 60 days, even for surgeries, so this cheap-ass State gets away with not paying most people disability. There is something seriously wrong with North Carolina – but I cannot afford another interstate move. That’s my story in a nutshell, I guess – but there is much more to me than my problems! I cannot afford to travel but would be happy to email with anyone – just to chat about our lives, etc. I don’t know where my life is headed – but I’m really tired of not having any friends my age who understand me and why I worry every single day about the “future”. My email address is prettykitty54@ymail.com

          • Eileen Baca

            Dear Kat: I got to this site (Senior Planet) almost the same way you did, so paused to read you. I am also in the South, but in New Orleans. I have my master’s, but alas, advanced degrees guarantee nothing in this crazy world–at out age. Having lost everything, I live in very low-income housing. At 67 I am still extremely active–but awfully stymied by having a wonderful, valid driver’s license but a Camaro that is still sitting where it drowned years ago. I am looking for email company (no dating sites, no matches, no love interests). I would love to hear from you and will resist adding more details for now. Best, Eileen
            Kaptaintripps8181@hotmail.com

          • bunnie

            Hi Kat, I am also a senior in Raleigh NC and cannot STAND NC!!! Where are you in NC? My email is mm951@att.net if you want to email me. I don’t have much money either but I have to get out of this area, I have never met weirder or more boring people than NC! Madge

        • Leslie
          REPLY

          I understand what it’s like to be alone. All I want to do is sleep. Don’t drive so really just want someone to talk with. Live in Idaho.

      • Patti
        REPLY

        Renee: Are you still on this site? I relocated from No. CA to NJ awhile ago but always loved the So Cal area. Not very convenient to do things together but would like to be on-line friends……Patti

      • Nikki
        REPLY

        Renee,

        I’m in So. Cal. also. I’ll be 62 pretty soon. So tired of just sitting trying to figure out where to meet people my age. I have yet to retire because it scares the heck out of me….more time on my hands….alone. My own fault really, I lost my oldest boy in 2007, my depression pushed most of my friends away never to return. Helped raise my 2 grandchildren until their mother remarried and moved to Arizona.

        Loneliness is scary and as time goes on in realize I have no one to confide in, no one to call with good news or no one to talk to when I’m down. Just need a friend.

  • treesy507
    REPLY

    The LAST thing I’m looking for is to sit ALONE in front of a computer to communicate as a social event. That’s EXACLTY what’s wrong in our society and as we grow older, our children have their own lives and most of our girlfriends are married. My idea of friendship is connecting and I don’t mean by electronics. I truly believe this is the demise of communication between people of all ages. Making plans by texts, friends and family asking how I’m doing or what I’m doing by text. That’s NO way to feel connected…at least not to me.

    • Tom
      REPLY

      Hi my name is tom i feel the same but here i am typing. ive just started looking for friends and trying this way as the ways to meet people have changed and activities are different at 72

      • charlotte
        REPLY

        MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE COMPRISES THREE TRUISMS : 1)”Four-door Porsche” is an oxymoron and an abomination unto the lord. 2) there is no such thing as a small bear, and 3) As to “social media” see 1) above – oxymoron.
        Except for maybe #2, you can see why I am all alone.
        I stay relatively sane by reading Bill Bryson and Stephen Hawking. I stay INsane by being so lonesome, sitting here Aging with Attitude.
        I would like to hear from aging people with Attitude.

        I heartily disapprove of “socializing” through “social media”!!!!
        I even wrote a reply just now and it disappeared, I don’t even know how to USE “social media”.

        My philosophy of life is as follows: a. “four-door Porsche” is an oxymoron and an abomination unto the lord; b. DITTO DITTO DITTO “social media”; and incidentally, c. there is no such thing as a SMALL BEAR.

        You appear to be more or less like-minded. I like your attitude: please respond.
        Charlotte

    • Mari
      REPLY

      Hi Treesy, I couldn’t agree with you more, a few years ago I told my friends I would not be emailing anyone any more, and if they wanted to connect with me they could pick up the phone and call me. I find it impersonal and sad to get texts and email from people no matter who they are, and even worse adult children and family members. I am 63 and in the last year or 2i seem to have gone through some kind of change where I feel like I no longer have friends that I can rely on and can’t seem to make friends easily like I used to. I still work but mostly alone. So my chances of meeting new people are pretty low. But I keep trying. Let me know if you might be interested in phone conversations. I live in Oregon.

  • Mary A
    REPLY

    Hi,
    I am 65, married, still working 12 hours a week but since I lost my dog 8 weeks ago I feel so very very lonely. My husband is 12 years older than I am and although he hasn’t worked for 15 years he keeps himself very busy with all his hobbies etc. We do little things together but don’t really have much to say to each other. I didn’t realise how attached I was to my dog as a friend and confidante until she died aged 15 1/2. We have chosen a puppy to come stay with us in 3 weeks time but my lack of friends is worrying me. Can anyone advise me on how to cope? Worried and lonely x

    • Stellamarisw
      REPLY

      I am sorry for your loss. It is always extremely hard to see our furry companions leave on their next journey. I grew up catholic but don’t practice and yet, it gave me great confort to light candles to St. Francis of Assists who is the protector of animals. and I also wanted to believe that both of my girls dogs that last at different times could see the candle on my window on their journey to their next world. As far as what you could do to feel less lonely there are no magical solutions. I found that I get up and I focus on doing physical little chores nothing heavy just enough that I can be using my hands and try to relax my thoughts. I hope that makes sense to you. I wish I were closer we could go out for a cup of tea in just keep each other company without the need for conversation if we didn’t feel like it. My thoughts are with you and so is the love for dogs.

      • MaryA
        REPLY

        Thank you for your reply. Tonight I am trying to pull myself together and decide if I get the puppy or not. My husband has taken ill with anxiety and a chest infection.I do sympathise but would love for him to be strong for me and not fall apart when I’m feeling low. Just once in a while I would like to be the one getting looked after. Serves me right for being a “strong” person. I have been trying to do wee jobs about the house and it does help. I am off to make a cup of tea with which I will raise a toast to your good health. Thanks again

  • VannieLou
    REPLY

    I am 65 and very lonely. I have been divorced twice, and am beginning to feel like a loser. I have had some relationships, but have had several disappointing blind dates lately. I am a bit leary of on-line dating services, but have sort of tried them. I didn’t find a “soul mate” or anything. I am well educated and independent, but just do not understand why I have not been able to sustain even friendly relationships. I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I want to cry. I want to scream. I am a Christian, and wonder where God is in this time. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I am plagued with anxiety attacks.

    • Nim
      REPLY

      Dear VannieLou,
      First I want you to take a deep breath! Or two! I think you should change the focus of your search, from looking for a romantic relationship, to just looking for friends that share a common interest.
      It may be better for you, at this time, to find and join “meet up” groups in your area. There are meet up groups for people that like to walk, hike, bike, read, sail,…….just go to dinner meet up groups…..you name it,…you can probably find a meet up group for it! There are also camera clubs, book clubs….your local library may know one you can join. I think this may be a better way for you to meet people for now.
      Join a meet up group, or club that interests you. Or even take ballroom dancing lessons or painting lessons…..You might also think about volunteering at something. Animal shelters are always happy to have volunteers to walk the dogs…..and you can specify only small dogs if that suits you better, and they always need help with fund raising…….These things and similiar will get you out of the house, enable you to meet people of all ages, and give you a better perspective on everything……and just maybe help you find the friends and relationships you want! YOU are in control of this,….you can do it……

      • lostnohope
        REPLY

        Augh, I don’t know how you guys do it. I moved from living in Europe and the MIddle East for 20 years and the way people are with seniors (really over 40) is rather shocking. I have been back for 3 years and have never felt so lonely, and like a looser. I tried church, but I think something happens when you turn 50, like a fly on the wall…no one notices you, wants to sit with you at social functions (it is a small church) most are families and/or older and married.

        I just lost my job (that already did not pay much) I am too young to get social security or use my 401k (which is not much), I do not own my own home and have to live with my daughter, which I am sure that she is about to go crazy…her boyfriend just moved in. I am 56, never thought that was old but ageism sure exists in the job market! I hate to sound depressing, I have never had it this bad. People always used to make sure that I did not spend Shabbat alone, or Sundays. No one used to care if you were old, single or with family. I found it really closed here in this country. You cant even walk to a nearby park and sit on a bench and yack with others…of all ages!

        After reading these threads, I do not look forward to getting any older. I have lost all hope. I have children and 2 grandchildren and they are the apple of my eye…but I spend most of my time alone, talking to my daughters dog. I try to look for work, but after 400 tries, and nothing? augh. really. I give up. Don’t want to be around anymore. I don’t know how you guys do it. I used to feel happy and blessed, but wow…this is the biggest trial I have ever been through. It takes a village, but when there isn’t one…a person drops fast.

        I thought of moving back abroad, but I spent all my savings to move stateside. No family there or a place to start over.
        Feeling really trapped. I went to a psychologist and they just kept trying to keep me going, letting me try different things, ways to find work but you know them…they never give advice. You have to do that all on your own. A would of wisdom, from many people used to be great! I don’t have that either, my parents are gone, my sister is gone, augh. Sorry, I am venting here. I wish that our work place would not stereo type us so much and our society would not be so quick as to put us in the closet. It is not this way in the Middle East or at least Italy. They love their elders!

    • helen
      REPLY

      Hi Vannie-Lou
      l must say that most of these meetup groups
      are 95% made up of women at least that is the case in Melbourne. l find RSVP is the best way to meet a possible partner, that is if you are looking for a male. l have met a few very nice men, who l have had a lovely relationship with, and at present am seeing a nice fella who wants a lifetime partner(so he says) He seems decent and honest.
      Get an expert to check your online profile and the wording is really important, and the photo needs to be a good one and NOT one from 10 yrs ago.l am 63yrs and have had quite a bit of interest in my profile.
      Good luck!!

    • Mare
      REPLY

      I’d suggest getting an older dog, not a puppy. Puppies need lots of play time, whereas an old dog is a sweet companion who just wants to go for shorter walk, stay close, love and be loved. Taking on a puppy now would be like taking on a baby. Think of what’s fair for the puppy, too. Older dogs rock!

    • Shelley Thompson
      REPLY

      I moved to Big City in Arkansas, Ha! After my divorce. We had been married 30 years. I moved to LR to be by my grandchildren more, but I don’t see them or my daughter that much. I was born and remained in my hometown in SW Ar until my divorce and when I went to college. I miss my hometown. I have many interests, but I miss having someone to just go out and shop at flea markets or go to the museum or the zoo, just miss having someone to talk to. I have always liked being alone but this is too much. I am 65, have rheumatoid and psoriatic arthritis but still get around. I am definitely young at heart. Love to meet someone just for friendship.

      • dorothy
        REPLY

        Hi Shelley, I live in Hot Springs, am 69 and just out of 12 year relationship with a good man –having to acclimate. Its a challenge to say the least. I would like to hear more about your life and how you are coping. Dorothy

    • Joy
      REPLY

      VannieLou

      I am 67, divorced after being married for almost 45 years, not my doing. Kids have turned from me so loneliness is a part of life. Would love a friend around my own age to just email and chat with. I am a Christian also and ask God for advise every day. Hope you would like to chat. My email is shopping97482@yahoo.com if you would like to talk. I’m not sure I will find my way back to this site.

    • Kris Nelson
      REPLY

      Hi Vannie Lou:

      Your post struck me as having very similar feelings to my own. I’ve been divorced 3 times and although I know “it takes two to tango” (or tangle), I chose one bad partner after the other – the 3rd marriage nearly sent me over the edge because he was the love of my life (still is) and broke my heart. So at age 60 I left him for the third time, quite a $55,000/yr job, packed up and moved 400 miles away, back to my hometown. Although I love the peace and privacy of living in a rural area where there are still some childhood friends, I’ve discovered after 3 years that I’m becoming more lonely. Most of my “new” friends are in the late 70’s, some approaching 80. They’re lovely people and I’m grateful to have them in my life, but they are all married. I miss having good, wholesome conversations and that is what’s missing in my life. I enjoy silent sports like kayaking and don’t mind going alone – sometimes I prefer it. I’m approaching age 64 in a few months. I love my kids (3), but not one of them will be in a position to take care of me when my health starts to fail. They each have “issues”. I’ve learned that a person in my situation needs to realize that I’m in this world alone and will have to figure out what to do with myself as I age. Thanks for listening.

  • REGGIE ANDREWS
    REPLY

    I’M FULL DEAF, 84 AGED LIVES ALONE SO I’M GAY PERSON SO I STILL HAVE LOOK A NEW OR LONG TIME BECAUSE OF DEAF GAY BOYFRIENDS BUT NOBODY HAVE ME AGAIN FOR LONG TIME SO I STILL DISAPPOINTED REALLY BUT HAVE PATIENCE YEARS SINCE
    MY LATE PARENTS ARE VERY CRUEL ME WHEN I WAS GREW UP SO I STILL MISS MY TIME WAS GOOD TIME BUT NOT SAME PAST
    NEVER MIND AND HOP ONE DAY TO BE LUCK PERHAPS NEVER KNOW , REGGIE X

  • KnowingLady
    REPLY

    First of all, loneliness is most definitely correlated to relationship status. Let’s stop all of this BS (and no, I am not referring to a Bachelor of Science!) and political correctness, as a consequence of which no one wants to admit that they are lonely because they do not have a mutually and reciprocal loving relationship!

    When you do not have a loving life partner to be with, to go on walks with, to dine with, to watch TV with, to cuddle with, to sleep with, etc., you ARE lonely!

    Having said, that, however, I would much rather be lonely than to be with one of those guys who even in their late 50s still have not learned to be a real man, and who, in fact, have no desire to be one.

    In my dictionary, a man is a male (who was born a male – I cannot believe that we have reached the stage in our social downfall that we would even have to clarify this!), who is honorable (i.e., does not lie, does not cheat, is monogamous), conducts himself with a sense of commitment and duty, and understands that delaying gratification is what a mature person does (i.e., you don’t hope in bed with whatever old or young broad is throwing herself at you).

    Since there are no men nowadays, at least none that I have met, I am alone. I am also lonely; however, I have my dignity, my sense of pride and of personhood intact. Lonely with dignity is much better than coupled in misery.

    • Chris
      REPLY

      You are right that it is very hard nowadays to admit that being single is lonely and unfulfilling and that we would like to be in a relationship. Society places so much value on independence. I have been criticised by several people for admitting that I would love to be in a close relationship as if I am ‘letting the side down’ by being lonely on my own.
      I think there are many men around who are decent and caring and who secretly long for a relationship as much as we do, but as you have found it can be difficult to find them.

      • Helen
        REPLY

        I have now been living alone for 9months. I am 63 yrs and have never lived on my own . I have chosen to leave my 28 yr marriage and would love a man to live here with me. I am doing everything in my power for this to happen. I have been on the dating site, have placed ads in the senior mag and was in letterbox friends and over the past 3years have met about 35 men and am slowly realising generally they don’t want a permanent relationship.some have been liars, thieves, and just disloyal. I don’t really think they know what they want. But l will never give up my search.

        • Beth
          REPLY

          It’s ok to keep searching for a significant other, but don’t put your life on hold…go ahead and travel, get a pet, garden, use the good dishes, dress pretty, etc. for yourself….it would be too sad not to do things you wanted to because you were waiting to meet Mr. Right.

          • helen

            Thanks Beth for your constructive comment. l actually have been to China 3 months ago with a male friend. Its a bit difficult travelling on my own. l am thinking of getting a pet, though they do tie you down. l do dress up nicely when l go out and really look after my appearance. It feels good to dress well.
            It has been a great experience meeting so many different men, and every one of them so very different.
            Do you live alone? If so, what do you do to occupy your time?

        • Dan
          REPLY

          My hat is off to you. I admire someone who sticks by her convictions. I’m sure someday you will meet someone worthy of your love. You give me hope that there are sincere and honest people still left in this
          world.

      • lostnohope
        REPLY

        That said Chris, it seems to be a stigma to admit that you are lonely…like we have to be some kind of super hero, have to learn to be happy with ourselves. I say that is BS. Relationships are important, and I agree it is difficult to find someone who is actually decent. I have not had anyone put their hands on my shoulders for almost four years. no touch from any human. I have five children, but they don’t even touch my neck or back. I can’t afford a message…oh how that would be wonderful. I would probably just break down and cry a bucket of tears just from the touch.

        I don’t know why it is so difficult in these days to find honest people. The world would be such a better place for all! Secretly longing for a relationship, should not be the case, but it is and it is confusing to me. Good luck!

  • Nim
    REPLY

    For many of us, if not most, our lives are largely orchestrated by situations and events that lead us to live our lives with little time to choose how we really want to spend our days, if we had complete control over them. We go to college, marry, have kids, and do what needs to be done as the years roll by to nurture and keep all healthy and happy.

    …………When situations change, and we find ourselves the captains of our own ship, so to speak, with no one else demanding or needing our time and attention, or telling us where we need to be or what we need to do, we sometimes feel like the only one left on the island. And for many of us, this new awakening is scary and lonely.

    …………Try not to think of it as a negative, try to think of it as “your turn to be captain”……..You get to paint the picture of your day or night……You get to decide where you want to go, what you want to see and learn, and what mountain you want to try to climb!

    ………Attitude and the willingness to be honest with yourself and take a real inventory of where you would like to go and what you would like to do at this point in your life is the first step. Obviously, your health will be a major consideration……but if you have a health problem that can be improved or even resoved with eating correctly and exercising, that should be your number one focus to begin with.

    ……..It does not matter if you are 22 or 72,…….No one of any age meets people magically,……they have to go out and attend classes, join clubs and “meet-ups”,……volunteer at the animal shelter, …join a book club,…..etc. Don’t know what to do? Make a list of things you liked to do BEFORE you were 14 years old……..Did you like to go fishing? Tap dance? Paint or draw? Take piano lessons or guitar? Well, do them now! It’s your life now to design the way you want……and it’s patiently waiting for you.

  • REGGIE ANDREWS
    REPLY

    I’M PROFOUNDLY DEAF, 74 AGED , LIVES ALONE,SO I’M GAY BUT NOBODY HAVE ME OVER MANY YEARS . SO I WILL BE MOVING TO BRISTOL SOON BUT I WILL HAVE LOOK A NEW HOME NEXT YEAR .I FEEL NOT HAPPY HERE WITHOUT GOOD FRIENDS OF MY OWN
    I FEEL BIT DISAPPOINTED ABOUT THIS BUT HAVE PATIENCE YEARS, SO I HAVE ONCE 6 WEEKS RELATIONSHIP SO HE IS LEFT ME OVER HIS HEALTH PROBLEM, I MISS PRIVATE LIFE WITH GAY PERSON I FEEL LOSE MY CONFIDENCE SO HAVE TO WAIT SEE WHAT HAPPEN LATER BUT I KNOW BIT HARD FOR DEAF PERSON REALLY, , HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FOR 2015, BLESS YOU REGGIE ANDREWS

  • Helen
    REPLY

    Hi David,
    Thankyou for your suggestion, and l must say l dont have any pets as yet and am considering getting one, but l am not too sure about a dog, as they are smelly and high maintenance, but they do make good companions. l would much rather have a human as company, but that isnt easy to find.
    At my age of 63, l find most men who are single are looking for someone much younger than they are, and there are so many more women out there than me.
    l am looking into getting a rabbit or cat.

  • David1
    REPLY

    Living alone is a new experience for me. This Christmas will be a new first. Having two cats and a Lab dog help. They are good company.

    • Fluffy
      REPLY

      David,

      Having a dog has been a wonderful experience for me. I use to have a cat (22 years old) and then I thought it would be good exercise and push me to be a little more social to have a dog. I also have a LAB.
      Whatever you’ve gone through that has left you feeling alone this Christmas, just know others do understand. Something else I’ve also realized is that Loneliness can come from many sources – not just from the physical distance of other human beings.

    • Helen
      REPLY

      Hi David,
      Happy New Year!! How are you going in this new experience of living alone? Its now 5.5 months since l have moved into my new home. l have girlfriends over for lunch and l talk on the phone a lot to men l have met on the online dating site. There is one particular man who lives in the country l speak with, and he and l find great satisfaction doing this as we a re both on our own.Perhaps it will develop into a lasting relationship.
      Through facebook this week l connected with my childhood girlfriend and we spoke for the first time in 45 years on the phone. Wow! What an experience. She is coming down from the country in Feb. to meet me. You have to get out there and try every avenue possible to connect with people and you may be surprised what it can lead to.

  • Helen
    REPLY

    Hi Walker,
    It’s now 4months since moving into my own home after leaving my husband. If you don’t remember my story just read further back.
    I noticed you wrote that you have been caring for your mother for a number of years and that probably took up a lot of time perhaps preventing you for searching for a partner.
    I have a very close relationship with my 28yr old son but he didn’t move in with me because l wouldn’t allow that as l am afraid he will stay with me for the rest of my life and care for me in my old age preventing him from finding a partner. They say “Give your child roots and.wings” Whenever he comes for dinner and goes to leave it pains me so much inside to
    see him leave as then l am alone again.
    the silence here is so hard to cope with.
    Helen.

    • Fluffy
      REPLY

      Hi Helen,

      I’m glad you posted here again. I just found a previous reply from you in my spam folder because I got a message about “this” one and then saw your response here from earlier. Please see below my new reply to you from when you posted earlier

      Your writing about your son also strikes a chord.I’m glad to read you and he feel close to one another. I also understand the pain you must feel when he leaves. At 28, they are quite independent and though they may still have a dependent side, we want for them a life of love, success and happiness.

      Can I suggest combating the silence with a bit of noise dilution in your home? Unless, I have to concentrate, I tend to leave music playing in the background. I like all kinds – some days I’ll listen to Bossa Nova style, sometimes light rock and pop, sometimes classical or jazz. I also watch certain kinds of movies and am partial to quirky ones and not surprisingly, those that depict lonely people who need “rescuing”… :-)

      When I was a child, my sister and I loved the movies, dancing and playing little starlets like in the movies. I never lost my love for old black and white films too. Besides these, I also like science fiction and other genre.

      My other activities as the weather permits is staying busy in the yard because frankly, it would look bad if I didn’t. I have a gym membership and swim at the pool and do light workouts.
      I read, as my attention span and focus allows me…and I enjoy a good read when the mood strikes.

      Recently, I am trying my hand at ‘beaded’ jewelry but am awful at it….those tiny beads and bad lighting are killing my eyes.

      Lastly, my dog. I can’t stress it enough but over the last 5 years, having him has made a difference in keeping the loneliness in check and certainly, depression is lessened. Now, I probably won’t get another dog for some time if and when something happens to him because I have had to put travel extended length of times on hold. When he was in better shape, I traveled more – and so did he!

      I think if a person is feeling lonely and has the patience and time to care for an animal …I think it’s a good option. It’s also a commitment and just as when a child or parent becomes ill, when a dog becomes elderly, leaving them to do something (like travel) gets complicated.

      Other than that, I’ve heard of some places where unrelated people live (I think it’s in Oregon) in a place where all different ages live, communally. I thought; how clever! People who may not have good finances or without grandchildren find a match and some kind of a social barter takes place. I’m not sure it’s something I could ever do as I like my space too much but I think if it works and everyone is happy…then well done.

    • Fluffy
      REPLY

      I do wish there was a group specifically like that. I haven’t heard of one but suppose any kind of meet up group where people have something in common might also work too?

  • Chris
    REPLY

    I am in my late fifties and have always wanted to marry and have a family but it has not happened and although I still do online dating, I am starting to lose hope. I never thought that I would spend my life alone. I have been deeply lonely for over 30 years and feel that my life has been such a waste. Have no family since my parents passed on and although I go out and about,it all feels so empty.

    • Helen
      REPLY

      Hi Chris,
      l am sorry that you have not found a partner in so many years, and l wonder whether you were maybe a bit fussy and set yourself too high standards. l believe we can all find someone, but as mum said to me, you have to close one eye in choosing a partner, meaning that we cannot wait for the perfect person. We must all compromise on who we choose.
      l am now on my own having left my husband, and have also been online searching, but that has only been quite a short time. l have met a couple of men, but somehow nothing came of them, though l will never regret having had them in my life.
      Just be positive and perhaps that person is just around the corner. Keep trying, but dont set too high standards.
      Helen.

      • Chris
        REPLY

        Hi Helen, no, I haven’t set too high standards.
        I have generally found that men see me as a sister figure or a friend rather than as a potential partner. There seems to be something lacking in me and I don’t know what it is, something which most other people have which causes others to fall in love with them, but which I do not have.
        I find dating stressful because I feel pressurised to be interesting and entertaining when, in reality, I am a shy introvert. My life has been such a waste.

    • Walker Thornton
      REPLY

      Hi Chris,
      I suspect you are not alone in those feelings. I think it must get harder as one ages, worrying about a future alone. I have no great advice for you other than to be open and optimistic and not let your ‘single’ status get in the way of living life fully (a reminder to myself as well).
      My best to you, and a thanks for being open about your struggles.

    • Fluffy
      REPLY

      Chris, I think it’s a hard place to be, when you really want and desire something and it doesn’t seem to be happening or hasn’t happened yet. I know it must be a concern … sorry you are feeling so alone.

      I think it’s good to have certain standards but to re evaluate what they are and see if maybe you can stretch or expand in some social situations. I can’t say I completely understand because I’ve been married quite awhile but I do understand loneliness and anxiety about growing older without many connections or family. Both of my parents passed in the last 10 years, my siblings are spread out (2 are estranged) and my only child tends to be distracted and busy.

      I keep busy by volunteering (almost full time) and earn a small income from some online pursuits. Other than that, my real time social life is nil. I have a few people I correspond with online who I’ve known for several years and I try to stay in touch by sending cards and a handful of emails throughout the year for friendly updates. I find this has helped me – not so much because it takes the place of deeper real time connections but because I kept up with them and I hope it means something special to them as it has meant to me.

      .

      • Chris
        REPLY

        Hi Fluffy,
        Thank you for your kind response.
        I have made a big effort for many years to go out and mix with people, as sitting alone at home would make me feel even lonelier. I go out to various sorts of groups-language groups, reading groups, discussion groups and I have a few friends as well. But the centre of my life, where there should be love and closeness, is empty. And despite going out and also doing online dating, I have not met anyone for a relationship. It is ironic that some people see me as ‘enjoying my freedom’ by going out and about, while in reality I go out to get away from the four walls and the extreme loneliness of my life.

        • Elizabeth
          REPLY

          People keep talking about doing things, staying busy, etc., but that is not my problem; I can keep busy, I can literally read all day if I have a good book, walk the dog, work in the garden, but I’m still alone. When you have someone with you who cares about you it’s not necessary to “do” anything – just going for a walk or any of the daily things we do – it’s different when you’re alone. Telling your partner the silly thing the dog did or wondering why the tomatos aren’t ripening or that you really don’t care for your new dental hygienist – sharing the little things…that’s what I miss. I’ve had my Christmas tree in the same spot for the last 4 years…a simple tradition it would have been nice to share, but this year I didn’t get a tree or celebrate Christmas….I’m 62, all of my friends are either part of a couple or very involved with their children (mine live far away) There’s not even anyone to go to the movies with. I dread the thought of another 20 years of this.

          • Sassy

            Thank you for expressing so well what I felt and know to be my reality. People keep trying to tell me to keep busy, volunteer, walk the dogs (which I do everyday anyway because I love them and they are happy walking the park), and so on and so forth… I don’t know that either one of us will ever find the answer, at best we can look inside ourselves and focus on all the positive things about our lives yet I understand that it is unrealistic to do so 24/7 so if there a such a thing as a new years resolution, mine will be to accept my reality and compell myself to enjoy every day for whatever it may have to offer. Sometimes it may be wonderful, exciting, and thrilling; other times it may have a touch of melancholy sprinkled in…. I am very lucky that I have wonderful neighbors and what I call my park friends because we all walk our dogs and share their little shenanigans but deep in my heart I know that it doesn’t replace having a family in the traditional sense. So let’s continue with our lives, keeping busy when we feel like it and chilling out when we don’t feel like being busy. Reading your comment helped me and I wanted to thank you for that…. by the way, I am 64 and have been physically alone most if my life… so I know how to be alone but not always like it.

          • Chris

            Elizabeth-I put up a small Christmas tree and a few small decorations for Christmas, but I didn’t see anyone at all for five days over Christmas as my friends were with their families. It was a bad time and I am glad that it is over. Next Christmas I plan to put my name down for Christmas dinner with the Salvation Army so that I won’t be alone on Christmas Day.
            I can understand your not celebrating Christmas. It has become the ultimate family event in the west and those alone often feel excluded.
            I have also found that people start going on about ‘keeping busy’ and ‘going out’ if I mention being lonely, as if they think that I am sitting at home doing nothing all the time.

          • tessa

            Thanks for writing this, Elizabeth. It’s exactly how I feel. Made me feel better to read it. I’m 64, never married, retired for two years, have three cats, own my home, am financially okay, had a fulfilling career. I’ve always been independent, but I’m surprised now to discover how hard it is (or how hard I’m finding it) to live alone. I can keep busy and have kept busy with classes and volunteering, but keeping busy seems like an endless task sometimes.

          • manny

            elizabeth, where are you located. so much of what you say is how i feel. i live in nevada. i have been divorced twice from men after short marriages and have no children. today i turned 72 and while texts and emails were nice there was no bd celebration….goes for xmas….etc. seems friends [?] i have are married and don’t grasp the meaning of being alone.

          • Ginger

            i agree! I’ve been busy since my divorce and yet so lonely I cant stand waking up in the mornings. I was married 28 yrs to the father of my two sons. I lost him to cancer. Most shocking was my sons abandoning me. 3 yrs later I met a man online. We married and then his abusiveness appeared. We were married for five yrs. I tried so hard to please him and make the marriage work. Yet in the end, he filed for a divorce! I should have been the one to file, many yrs ago. He didn’t let me work. So I had nothing. I got the old motor home in the divorce and am living in it. I got a job at Walgreens, which is hard on me, especially when I have to go home alone. I love and try so hard at having a happy marriage. But after the last one, I’m really confused and scared of getting into another relationship. Yet at the same time, I feel I can’t go on being so alone. I’m 55 yrs old and giving and doing for others to a fault. Can’t understand why I’m alone. Have been used by so many that I have nothing much left except my love. And no one seems to want that. I don’t know what to do anymore. Just tired.

        • Fluffy
          REPLY

          Chris, I’ts been almost 2 years – has anything if much changed? Just curious. I check this thread every now and then just to catch up.

          Best to you and everyone else here. :)

          • Meg

            I finally got sick of being depressed about being alone, although it is still a challenge at times. I finally stood up and said I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone put me in a dark corner. I go out and do what I want: hiking, shopping, gym, bike rides,

            I am NOT going to listen to snide remarks and hateful insults anymore.

    • sharon
      REPLY

      it sounded like you were describing me ,I have to start living on my own and am afraid being lonely will kill me before any major illness I,don’t know how to change this scary feeling

      • helen
        REPLY

        Hi Sharon,
        It has been scary for me too being on my own. l moved in to my home here over 4 months ago and they tell me in time it will get easier, but in the meantime l have been on the dating site and am meeting men. l dont know your age. l am now 63 and really do want to find a partner to move in here with me. So many women who llive with their husbands envy me as they say l can do as l please and have no responsibilities to anyone, but l am used to serving my partner and my son, so it really does feel like a gap in my life.
        You have to just get out there and stay busy. l do various things like l work from home in clothing alterations, l go to gym, l do a bit of voluntary work. l am thinking of getting a student in to my spare bedroom, and l do need to get a pet which l will do soon.
        Good luck and keep in touch with how things are going for you.

  • helen
    REPLY

    Two weeks ago l left my husband after a 28 yr marriage. Dealing with his aspbergers syndrome has been very challenging and demanding and l finally gave up and decided to move out.
    We didnt have any friends at all, as people with aspbergers find it hard to interact in social situations. l craved having couples as friends, but never had any. Also l never really had a husband as my friend, because sadly he doesnt have feelings and cant communicate on a personal level and that made my loneliness even worse.
    l had separated from him “under the one roof” for 4 years and in that time was caring in our home for both mum and dad who both had dementia. l was working in my home based business so had a little interaction with my customers. l also went online on RSVP where l met a number of men just for coffee, as l told them l was still in the same home as my husband, and l think that scared them off.
    l corresponded with a country fella for 2.5 years and he came down to see me a few times. He was an alcoholic and chain smoker, but he had some good qualities. He died of oesophegal cancer last November which was upsetting and before he died he told me that it was a pleasure to have known me. That touched me deeply.
    l was also in a 2 yr platonic relationship with an elderly gentleman. He was good company but that ended. Not sad about that at all.
    So 2 weeks ago l moved in to my new home and 2 days ago my 3rd relationship ended with a man l truly loved and l am shattered now and keep crying.
    l feel so lonely here as its the first time in 62 years l have lived alone. l do crave having a long term relationship with a man as l never had a husband really.
    My son says l should just keep busy and struggle through in this loneliness and eventually l may not mind being here alone.
    l do have a couple of girlfriends who are good to me.But making friends l have always found challenging. People are very complicated. My parents lived a solo life and had to constantly deal with their schizophrenic daughter which took away the lustre of their lives.
    As yet in all these years l havent discovered the secret of happiness and how to banish that excruciatingly difficult feeling of lonliness, but must never give up hope……..

    • Walker Thornton
      REPLY

      Helen,
      Thanks for sharing your story–does sound like you’ve had some tough times. I applaud you for taking steps to create the life you want to live. It takes time, and I know that may not be what you want to hear.
      Why not take some time to get to know your new surrounds, find a book group, go out to a nearby restaurant or other activities. Take some time for you–adjust to your new unfettered life and let some of the hurts heal. Wanting a longterm relationship is a legitimate desire but if you’re too hung up on finding that it can take over, making you feel less happy and somehow less fulfilled. You’ve had lots of changes recently, don’t push yourself and don’t try to find that right one…not just yet.
      And, best to you in all that’s going on.

      • Helen
        REPLY

        Thank you for your kind caring thoughts. Yes, after so many years of marriage l have finally freed myself of my partner and living alone here now. You write ” living the life you want to lead” well, my problem is not knowing how to live this new solo life. Being here alone each day is scary – never been on my own. Sitting here looking out the window at the fine droplets of rain coming down l do wonder what is in store for me in my future. That will ultimately be up to me to decide which way to go………….

        • Walker Thornton
          REPLY

          Helen,
          I understand, having been alone too. It will take some time and it will feel awkward. It’s as if you have to “sit with” that discomfort for a while. Not easy.
          Are there any singles groups around? See what MeetUps offers in your area–you should find it online and they have all kinds of interests groups you can join-bridge, books, exercise, spiritual, etc….

          • helen

            l have in the past been to singles groups, and l do feel its a bit daunting, especially when l see so many women and so few men. l do feel uncomfortable there. l would rather do some charity work which l will look in to. l have been to one meetup in life drawing which l loved, but they were all around their 20s or 30s, and l find most of these meetup groups are for younger people. l may volunteer in an op shop but would rather help people more directly. Just got back from gym and the feeling is really eerie entering a quiet home with no one here. l have a bit of work here to do though as l have a small clothing alteration business where l have just started up again from my front room.Thanks again for your feedback.

        • Krishna
          REPLY

          Well, many people become lonely at some time in their life. I was lonely after my education and got the job. It was a weird experience for some time. Then, I thought, well, it is an opportunity to do things when you have time, which may not be possible otherwise. I frequented library, read many books. I started playing Tennis, which has stayed with me even now, late in my life. If you pick up Tennis, one can play till late 70s and you always find people to play of your age. I started doing exercise, joined the Gym too. i learnt cooking and so on. Just a thought from my side.

    • Fluffy
      REPLY

      Helen,

      I think you are a most brave woman to keep your heart alight toward others in this world after going what you have gone through. I envy your determination and think you will find a person who cares for you, wants your friendship and companionship and who will love you in the way you deserve to be loved. I’ve known people with Aspergers and it’s very tough …you have my admiration. I also feel lonely, even though I am married – I don’t seem to be able to connect with people very well. Never had the knack for it and as you say, people are complicated. Best to you always…

      • helen
        REPLY

        Fluffy,
        Oh thankyou so much for the lovely things you said to me.
        You sound like a very lovely person Fluffy. l live in Melbourne Australia and just moving into my new home 3 weeks ago l do feel very very lonely and a bit sad, but it was my choice. Living with someone with Aspbergers is so difficult. You know if you ever want to you can come down and stay with me here a bit and will show you around our nice city. We would have lots in common.
        l live in a middle class area and my home is very comfortable.
        Actually your husband does a lot of travel, so why shouldnt you get up and do something brave for a change!!! You wont regret it!
        l also have social anxiety l suppose partly because the 32 years l lived at home with mum and dad they never had a single friend. Mum cooked every night. In their 60 years of living in Australia, they never once went out to a restaurant!! A bit weird dont u think?
        l can hear the ticking of the clock in the other room. Its so quiet here.
        l have craved all my life to find a friend, who really is a true friend. When l phone anyone telling them of my problems they just listen and dont really help all that much and just get on with their own things.
        l do envy those that can handle social situations well. l think firstly l need to feel good about myself, am not sure how to work on that. l am seeing a psychologist and she will try to steer me in the right direction. l need to develop self esteem, assertiveness, and confidence. My husband was always putting me down though l know l am capable and am a doer.
        Keep in touch……

        • Fluffy
          REPLY

          Dear Helen,

          I’m sorry I let so much time go by without replying. Your reply went into my spam folder but is most welcomed and I’m inclined to say, also, thank you for your invitation to visit with you in Melbourne. It was generous of you to have offered.

          Yes, it is very strange that your parents never went out to eat. I think maybe in those days…people saw “eating out” as extravagant and something only others with money did. Or it was just simpler times with larger families perhaps?

          I love to eat out…but my family also seldom did it back then.

          I hope you are adjusting in your new home. Did you move within the same area? Again, I believe you are most brave indeed!

          I do go occasionally and travel with my spouse. I would go even more if my sweet old dog wouldn’t have to be left at the kennel OR if we had someone who we could trust enough to come into the house and take care of him. Now that’s he’s getting on, I am less comfortable leaving him than I was when he was younger. Strange, yes…I know it sounds so, but some anxiety about HIS anxiety and now I’m a little stuck when it comes to traveling. I do love it though!

          I’m catching up here at this thread so I will continue to read the latest updates which has recently come into my mail (the inbox thankfully).

          Fondest regards,
          Fluffy

  • Barb
    REPLY

    I recently lost a family member as well as a very close and dear friend which has made me realize, at age 60, that I feel alone and isolated. I still am working full-time so I have that outlet, but nothing on a personal level. I have grown children but they have their own lives and children. Why do I feel so alone when I have so much to share?

    • Fluffy
      REPLY

      Hi Barb,

      My condolences on the recent loss of your family member and friend.

      I think when people we’ve known or family we love passes away, it brings ‘loneliness’ to a head perhaps. Both of my parents died in the last 10 years and while the relationship wasn’t always smooth sailing with them, there was love and the loss of them even still, has given me the sense of being “untethered” if you will.

      My child is also grown and has his own life. Sometimes I feel the only relationship there is when he’s having a crisis but I take what I can get and love him very much.

      It’s good you are still working – I think this is the one thing that probably makes a good deal of difference for most people; staying busy, having those little interactions with co-workers or customers.

      I myself haven’t really worked in several years outside of caregiving – because I do prefer quieter work environments.

      In answer to your last question, it’s a hard one. Over the years I’ve extended myself in various forms and situations and come away feeling more anxious over the way things went or disappointed when interest wasn’t returned. Now, I’ve tended to become lethargic when it comes to pushing myself anymore.

      I do OK being ‘lonely’…and cover up that it bothers me, I suppose so I can deal with what is. Again, I know I have much to be grateful for…

      I think when it comes to some things in this world there aren’t any clear answers. Some people are lonely because they are bitter and have become estranged from the people closest to them. The reasons may vary. Others just find they aren’t social robots, it’s not as automatic for them as it is for social butterflies and I think in the world we live being social and having friends is equaled with being ‘successful’ and having what it takes.People are naturally more drawn to those types and the rest have to figure out a way to navigate and be part (not apart) from that social structure.

  • Fluffy
    REPLY

    I’m probably a bit younger than other folks here and sure hope it’s OK to post. I’m 50 and have never had many friends. In fact really none to speak of except when I was much younger. I’ve tried from time to time to stretch myself and connect with other people by being open and friendly but it’s never amounted to much. On an up note, I’ve been married for 29 years happily, however, while he’s friendly and witty, he also doesn’t have friends outside of work. It’s just us two. At one time when our child was young we were very involved with his activities as well as community and church things and felt moreso ‘connected’ . Alas, we moved out of state away from our grown son and other relatives.

    What I’ve found is people really don’t seem interested in ‘connecting’ that much. People are busy, have their own families and other than superficial interactions, there’s not a lot of depth or opportunity for connection to take place. Except when we were in our early 30s, over the years we have attended different churches and find them wanting. Sorry if I sound negative about it – but it just seems like the whole “be open and reach out” message doesn’t necessarily offer a solution.

    I think because I’m at home alone so much and my husband travels a lot and for the last 10 years my feelings of isolation have grown. On the other hand, I never minded ‘being alone’ or doing things alone and could entertain myself but it gets very old and find myself not only bored but becoming more depressed with time. I’d really just like a few people to be able to get together with throughout the month and get out together to a movie, a walk, a talk, lunch etc.

    As for being online, I have a few people I pen pal and chat with and met years ago and am so grateful and treasure these people but again, I’d really like to have real time exchanges with someone. I use to feel very embarrassed to admit that I was lonely as if I was wearing a big “L” on my forehead especially when I’ve done everything alone for years and years, eating, shopping,- everything except for when my Husband is present.

    The other thing is I am a lonely person who just happens to be married. He use to not care that much whether we got together with people but recently was saying how it would be nice if we had people over for dinner or to things with so he’s now feeling it too. The problem is, neither of us really know how to go about getting to know anyone enough to invite them over.

    I’ve looked for ‘activities’ in our area and unfortunately there aren’t any nearby or within 50 mile radius. We are in that in between age; our next door neighbors are about the same age but have 2 boys about 14 and 12 while the people across the street from us are in their 70s and the grandchildren visit them alot. We feel like we really are in a ‘crack’…

    Well i’ve rabbited on here. I need to metnion something else. I’ve struggled with social anxiety but do manage to appear friendly to people when interacting. Also, I’ve noticed with some close family members who have now passed away, a pattern of loneliness in my family. My parents, divorced, never had a lot of friends and were pretty isolated. Same was true for my Aunt and Uncle. There were family gatherings especially when we were all much younger but then over time, people got married, had kids, moved etcetc.

    Ideas, comments, suggestions?
    Thank you.

    • Fluffy
      REPLY

      OH, PS…I forgot to mention that I have volunteered for many years. Mainly online for a mental health support community but also in real time for a local charity. In that it gets me out of the house, it’s great but there’s still no connections going on between myself and the people I come into contact with. I’m friendly and open and have varied interests so I’m not clear why it’s been so darn hard to find a friend to grab lunch or coffee with.

    • Walker Thornton
      REPLY

      Fluffy,
      I can certainly relate to your situation. I find it hard to make those friendships as well. I know there must be others who feel similarly–the challenge is finding them. And, I don’t know what to say, other than the reach out, and get out and about.
      I do appreciate your willingness to share this-we tend to think that married people fare better than singles in this, but clearly that’s not the case.

      • Fluffy
        REPLY

        Thank you so much for your reply Walker I don’t know if you are married or single but it helps knowing somebody else understands. It’s wierd because at my age, I feel like I’m in a crevice, a gap although to be truthful – for me the isolation began many years ago. I was handling a wayward teenager and a mother with Alzheimers all at the same time. I know plenty of people have been there and back and once the stress is gone seem to be able to get back into life so to speak. Clearly, socially speaking I’ve had a failure to launch.

        Perhaps there are people just like myself out in the world – but when I look around I see a narrative I’m not a part of. With all the studies and research which talks about loneliness and isoation (particularly in seniors) being a factor for poor health and early death I am all too aware of my own situation. How I try to combat these feelings is to offer my support and ‘friendship’ to others in need and hope by doing so I somehow can help someone elses day alittle brighter.

        • Walker Thornton
          REPLY

          Fluffy,
          I’m single. And, after 10 years of caregiving and more now with an aging mother I get it. I think there’s something in that ‘work’ that sets us apart in a way. It’s hard to find a place, a circle.
          I admire your spirit and your sense of kindness. Best to you,
          Walker

  • PinkRose
    REPLY

    I have been told that I am a very pretty, youthful looking 70 year old female….I would really like to have a relationship with a man at this point as I don’t have a supportive family and live alone…New York City is not conducive to meeting at my age…I have tried Internet sites to no avail…The people that want to meet me live in another state and the ones that are closer are so lazy they just want to meet someone that lives around the corner from them and make no effort at all….Where does one meet an eligible “normal” man in this City?….

    • Walker Thornton
      REPLY

      I don’t live in NYC so can’t help you there. Maybe some of the other readers have an idea?
      When I’m looking I try going out more–out to coffee, attending art events, going to dinner alone..putting myself out there where I might run into a nice man…and admittedly it’s a challenge.

    • Robert Widmann
      REPLY

      I have commented above on the MeetUp groups – http://www.MeetUp.com

      There are hundreds of these groups meeting in NYC. You might try the programs and events sponsored by Senior Planet. There are also many meetings and socially helpful events sponsored by the NYC Time Banks program. There are also political clubs and church groups – or if not spiritual – there’s the Ethical Culture Society.

  • Ghisele
    REPLY

    I have been living alone for the past year and a half when my husband of 52 years passed on. Since then, I’ve had a bilateral mastectomy (almost three months ago). My biggest worry about living alone is being ill and having to travel some distance to doctors’ appointments and so on. It has been a struggle! I live in a small community in which my husband was born and lived his whole life; on the other hand, I was born in another province and although I’ve lived in this community for 52 years, I worked in the next little town and did not create strong relationships outside of my family. I find it difficult, at this stage, to create friendships. So far, since my husband’s death, I’ve gotten close to three women, but two of them died and the other moved away! At the moment, I live in a seniors’ community home with people who have known each other all their lives… with a couple of exceptions. I don’t feel I fit in, we have different experiences and interests, and I find it very difficult to connect. I feel much more comfortable with men, having been raised with my brother, two years older than me, who was my best friend throughout our growing up years. All my family, brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, live far away, with the exception of one daughter and son-in-law who have a difficult relationship with each other. Reading your article was helpful as it confirms my resolution: “stop being afraid and charge ahead!” At this point, I just don’t know in which direction to charge!!! One day at a time… I’ll move along, I know; I just get anxious about the how and when.

    • Walker Thornton
      REPLY

      Ghisele,
      I’m glad the article provided some help for you–it does sound as if you are working at it. Change and loss are difficult, aren’t they. I wish I had some concrete piece of advise to offer you, but as you say it is a one day at a time process. Best wishes for you.
      Walker

    • Mark
      REPLY

      I certainly know how you must feel, and i really hope the best of you. I myself, just went through a divorce. I really had my hands full with my second marriage, and she is bipolar when her daughter is autistic. So i certainly had it very tough as you can see, and my first wife cheated on me which i was a very caring and loving husband that was very much committed to her as well. I just turned 59, but i will be moving soon into a adult community which i hope that my luck will change on meeting someone nice for me this time around. I wish all the luck for you as well, and be strong and God bless.

  • Robert Widmann
    REPLY

    There numerous MeetUps (www.meetup.com) in all areas of the USA where you can get out and meet people of similar interests and make friends if you care to. In larger cities there are specialized senior groups. Many of these meeting groups are free and most cost only a few $. These do not solve all problems, but they are a help.

  • Yvonne
    REPLY

    I have been divorced for 32 years and have had no real social circle since I turned 55, am now 65. I have been so lonely and with no support system, no family to speak of, it has been difficult. I work full time still. This year I met the most wonderful man of my life. Love did show up. I was scared but I am finally beginning to open. I really don’t know how to do the social thing. Never had many friends. Can you give me some ideas.

    • Walker Thornton
      REPLY

      Yvonne,
      When you say you’ve never done the social thing, do you mean in real life or on the internet?
      I have found finding friends, post-divorce, to be challenging. Joining groups, possibly attending religious services, taking classes (I’m thinking about taking a watercolor class) and being open to opportunities around you are good starts.

      • Yvonne
        REPLY

        I seem to be stuck. Just work mostly. I want to be more social. Being a live in caregiver for dementia clients has limited my participation. I want to change that now. I have a lovely man who lives 300 miles away. And so we see each other monthly. But I want a life for myself now. I am in the San Jose CA area.

        • Walker Thornton
          REPLY

          Yvonne,
          When you’ve been stuck at home doing caregiving it is really hard to find ways to get out (been there myself). As someone else suggested is there a MeetUp group there? They have a wide range of activities and may have an over 60+ group. Senior centers? Volunteering at the library…

          • Yvonne

            Thank you for your response. I will check into volunteering. I have to get out, I feel like I am being stifled. I have to build a life for myself beyond work.
            It is difficult because I have never just taken care of me. I am ready for new life. Any more suggestions ? If so please send them to me.
            Yvonne

  • Rhonda
    REPLY

    I’ve found that social networking resolves loneliness. Cheating with new and old friends and playing games online help a lot. You don’t feel alone,you have a friend in your connections and online activities.

    • Walker Thornton
      REPLY

      Rhonda,
      I think that social networking is a nice supplement to real-time connections–and each of us find different ways to feel more connected to others.
      Thank you for your comment!

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