Sex & Relationships

Ask Joan: Frustrated and Stuck

Worried Senior Man In Bed At Night Suffering With Insomnia

By Joan Price Monday, September 15, 2025 17 Comments Share This:

Dear Joan: I’m 71 and my wife is 73, together for 22 years. I’m desperately searching for a way to still have some sex life when her enthusiasm has waned to zero.

Our sex was the best of my life when we first got together. The combination of her intelligence, her accomplishment level, and our adventuresome, enthusiastic sex was mesmerizing. Now her sexual desire is gone. She rarely wants to pleasure me, either. If I’m lucky and really sweet, I get a hand job every few months.

She says her lack of interest is mostly due to hormonal, physical changes. She is dry, so penetrative sex is painful. I respect that, but it doesn’t explain the lack of interest in other forms of physical pleasuring for her or for me. I’ve given her one of your books to read. She says she will, but she doesn’t.

I think this is more about our relationship issues. We quarrel frequently. She’s very critical, a perfectionist. I’ll admit to being somewhat inattentive.

Neither of us wants to end our marriage, but we have this huge gap in sexual desires. What do I do? I masturbate a lot and that’s okay. But I still crave female attention, touch, and a beautiful body to play with. I’m thinking that I need to find a friend with benefits (FWB). I’d prefer to do so with my wife’s approval, but I find it hard to raise the issue with her. Years back, she found out I’d paid for sex and was really angry. I feel like she’s withholding sex but also won’t approve my getting it elsewhere. Although not ideal, maybe a FWB arrangement that is not up front but becomes tacitly acknowledged might be the best.

I have not brought up the question of her agreeing to another sexual connection for me. I’ve decided that it’s better to go with “Don’t Ask; Don’t Tell” (DADT) for now. She doesn’t ask how I satisfy my urges. My fear is that if I say, “This is what I need—with someone else if you can’t or won’t,” she’ll see it as confrontational and a kind of ultimatum. I don’t want to have that big fight. What do you think?

—Frustrated and Stuck

Joan responds:

Several problems contribute to the lack of sex in your marriage. Your wife’s hormonal changes rule out penetrative sex. As you realize, there are many other ways to give each other sexual pleasure. (See my webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration.”) But you say that these don’t appeal to her, either.

You state that your wife has no sexual desire. If she wanted advice, I’d offer suggestions such as understanding responsive vs. spontaneous desire and tips for bringing the spice back into the bedroom. But there’s no evidence that she wants a sexual relationship with you, from what you write.

That leads us to the problems in your relationship apart from sex. These conflicts need work before anything sexual can change. If you’re “very sweet,” you might get a hand job every few months. I suggest working on being more attentive and caring all the time, not just when you’re trying to get sex.

It’s a Two-Way Street…

I’m not putting it all on you. You say she’s critical and a perfectionist. Anger is a strong turn-off for sex, as well as for a loving relationship. Have you discussed with her what would improve your relationship? What would each of you like from the other in day-to-day behavior? Take turns asking, listening, and acknowledging what you hear. If that leads to another argument, you need help guiding that discussion. I earnestly recommend couples counseling.

DADT?

Yes, you deserve an outlet for your sexual needs, and what do you do when your wife is unwilling? Your understanding of DADT is incorrect. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is a specific non-monogamy agreement where partners consent to going outside the relationship for sex discreetly and not discussing it. Doing it your way, however — getting sex outside the marriage without your wife’s knowledge at all — isn’t DADT. It’s cheating. You were already caught when you hired a sex worker. What will happen if you follow this course and she finds out?

Try This Approach Instead

You fear that a discussion will sound “confrontational and a kind of ultimatum” and lead to a big fight. What if you approached her this way:

“I understand that you don’t want sex with me anymore. I’d love to try to reclaim our sexual bond. If that can’t happen, I still need an outlet for my need for touch and sex. Could we talk about what you would accept? Suppose I get my needs met discreetly in a way that you won’t learn about. In other words, you won’t ask and I won’t tell. Can we discuss how we can make that work?”

Again, a sex therapist or a sex-positive counselor can help you through this. The fact is that you aren’t willing to give up the pleasures of sex — nor should you be! — and you need to find a resolution. I hope you can do that within your marriage, with guidance. I wish you the best.

YOUR TURN

What would you do in this situation?

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.

COMMENTS

17 responses to “Ask Joan: Frustrated and Stuck”

Alison:

Friday, October 17, 2025 at 6:42pm

He could say something like this: “I love you & I’m still a sexual being, so it hurts me that you don’t want any kind of sexual activity with me. I’m not talking about P-in-V. I’m talking about making love. There are so many ways we could be close that don’t involve penetration. It feels to me like you don’t want to be close to me either physically or emotionally. I need to hear from you why this isn’t part of our life any more.”
He deserves a sincere answer, however unpleansant it might be.

Reply to Alison
1. Brian:
  
  Sunday, November 2, 2025 at 11:36pm
  
  Thanks, Alison. Im the subject of Joan’s piece and like your advice
  
  Reply to Brian
Rachel R.:

Wednesday, October 15, 2025 at 5:39pm

I’m in a reverse situation; I’m a 79 y.o. woman married to a 71 y.o. man who has lost interest. Up until 4 years ago when I had a knee replacement we had a regular “date” on Sunday afternoon with attempts. After surgery, it was all over. THE DIFFERENCE FROM THIS WRITER: we still meet on Sunday afternoon and have a “naked cuddletime.” I’d like more; I’ve asked him to get his T levels tested the next time he had blood work but he didn’t do it. I have my own “toys” which I use solo.

Reply to Rachel R.
Dave:

Tuesday, October 14, 2025 at 7:01pm

Past 70, it may be too late for her to find effective hormonal treatment, but this points out the need to seek help much earlier. Estrogen-only treatment, starting post menopausal can lead a couple to decades of pleasurable, penetrative sex.

Estrogen and testosterone drives libido in most women. The fact that this couples sex was once wonderful, points to hormonal deficiency that wasn’t addressed and it may be too late.

Many men are just as guilty of not seeking help with ED.

Reply to Dave
Dan:

Wednesday, September 24, 2025 at 3:41am

The blessing is in giving. My wife has not been able to have sex for about 15 years. She has mild dimentia and advanced lichen schlerosis. She has always been completely passive with regards to sex. I focus on her needs. I snuggle her at night, hug and kiss her during the day, and treat her to lots of road trips which she loves. We read the bible together and pray. We work at doing things together. I am thankful to God for my wife and the love we share. I am blessed!

Reply to Dan
Faye:

Wednesday, September 17, 2025 at 2:29pm

Whatever happened to making love? A close, intimate relationship begins with the secure joy of being loved. Somewhat inattentive is the real issue here. She is your wife, not a sex toy. Do you respect her? Listen to her needs? Hold her close when she cries? Sounds like a selfish, one-sided, impassionate man where it counts. How demeaning to think you want her to be like a hooker off the street you paid for and then discarded. No wonder she doesn’t want you to touch her.

Reply to Faye
Judith Jordan:

Wednesday, September 17, 2025 at 6:12am

Sometimes men are so concerned about their erection, or lack thereof, that sex become all about that and not just general intimacy even when you say traditional sex is not all there is to it. I understand, in some ways, it’s been a big deal all of their lives but — a man needs to worship a woman’s body if he wants her to respond, not make it all about himself.

Reply to Judith Jordan
Mara Solomon:

Wednesday, September 17, 2025 at 12:41am

If the woman hasn’t seen a doctor about her hormonal changes & the pain and resultant disinterest in sex, i think she should do so immediately. There are creams which some women swear by. Next – a sex therapist. Of course, the woman must be willing to take these steps. If she is not, then he needs to tell her that he needs & is entitled to a happy sex life and ask what she suggests. He should not be afraid to confront her; his well-being is at stake.

Reply to Mara Solomon
1. Dave 86:
  
  Friday, September 19, 2025 at 5:37am
  
  Hi Mara….I don’t think any form of ‘ confrontation ‘ is going to be of any help in this, or any other situation. They are trying to be lovers again, we hope. Not adversaries. They have to sit and quietly talk to each other and try to solve this awful impasse. An impartial third party refreeing just might help.
  
  Reply to Dave 86
Sally:

Tuesday, September 16, 2025 at 8:39pm

If his wife has made it clear that she does not want sex, he should stop pursuing it and adapt to a new reality and continue to masterbate safely in his own home with gratitude that he still has that ability. Time brings changes in physical appearances and psychological attitudes and she may no longer find him physically attractive. Nothing lasts forever!

Reply to Sally
1. Matt:
  
  Friday, September 26, 2025 at 12:41pm
  
  Sally, your compassion for this man is over the top. I’m in a sexless marriage and have been so for the last 53 years of marriage-over those 53 years, sex less than 50 times. I can remember everytime almost to the date. You name an excuse, she’s used it. Finally admitted that her Mother told her she was a good Catholic girl and sex was only for the desire to have children. Now she has survived stage 4 uterine cancer and even refuses the thought of oral sex. Would I cheat? Come on over!
  
  Reply to Matt
2. David Dods:
  
  Tuesday, October 14, 2025 at 11:16pm
  
  If one spouse no longer wants the other then the marriage is over, some just do not want to except
  
  Reply to David Dods
Frank:

Tuesday, September 16, 2025 at 8:15pm

This woman needs some testosterone to bring her libido back to life. It comes as a cream that is applied to the skin. Then there are various types of suppositories that can be placed in the vagina that will rejuvenate the tissue of an atrophied vagina so that normal intercourse is possible. This poor woman should have been put on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) some time ago. HRT is now considered safe for most women. This problem is relatively easy to deal with.

Reply to Frank
dave 86:

Tuesday, September 16, 2025 at 7:51am

Regarding going outside the marriage for relief, with or without her knowledge and consent….what a disaster…in my mind. “Hi Honey, I’m home ! Had a great blowjob, you should have seen her….what a women ! ” Don’t Think so. Why would they even co habitat ? The only time I could see that working is when one of the partners is sick and incapable of giving or recieving mutal pleasure. Discrete hookups without hurting your partner might be workable. Maybe !

Reply to dave 86
David 86:

Tuesday, September 16, 2025 at 7:42am

What a sad, but oh too common, state of affairs. It sounds like their relationship is confrontational and lacking in care or understanding. Her lack of desire and his attitude of ‘ I’ll admit to being somewhat inattentive ‘ is a recipe for disaster.
Seems to me that they have to go way back and try to rekindle those feelings and desires they shared back in the days when they liked each other. Counselling will surely help but sounds like there is a lot of anger to overcome. Good Luck !

Reply to David 86
1. Brian:
  
  Sunday, November 2, 2025 at 11:44pm
  
  Dave, I like your advice. But what if she won’t agree to counseling? Where does that leave him?
  Joan’s advice is good too, of course. Not easy to do, though, in a fraught relationship
  
  Reply to Brian
  1. K-ken:
    
    Wednesday, January 28, 2026 at 9:24am
    
    Brian, (and Dave), your comments summarize my thoughts after reading these columns and comments for 2 hours now. I’m sad. What do you do, at 72, when you are in a “fraught” relationship…of over 30 years?

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