COMMENTS

26 responses to “Ask Joan: Not Broken!”

1. I’m 82 and feel much like “Not Broken.” Husband moved out of our bedroom 4 surgeries and 3 years of cancer ago (all his) and now I take care of EVERYTHING while he’s happy sleeping in front of the tv. Until he slaps me on the behind, says “how about some skin time” because he wants to “play” with my body. If I say no, he goes entirely silent for days. I feel my options are slim. I’m exhausted!!

   Reply to Barbara

2. Married 52 years, last 20 no sex, previous 32 sex less than 3 or 4 times per year. Medical issues for my wife prevent any sex, no intimacy in marriage. Porn is my release. If I satisfy myself in the AM , have nothing to look forward to all day except my role as a caregiver.

   Reply to Matt

3. It is amazing to me how many comments come into this forum where the conclusion is the husband needs to accept the wife has no desire for sex and move on. What a horrible situation. Do most women not understand that for men, sex and love in a marriage go together. No sex is saying no love. Go find someone else? What about our marriage vows? Unbelievable! Does anyone have any idea how emotionally devastating it is to be condemned to a sexless/loveless marriage?

   Reply to 19771981

4. I am a woman 10 years older than the writer and married for over 50 years. I love my husband dearly, and when things changed physically for both of us we figured it out. Do I have spontaneous hot crazy sex anymore? No, but the decision to read Joan’s book together and decide that we would make this work (make a date, anticipation, etc) has worked for us and has caused us to become even closer. The medical and emotional benefits of sex also shouldn’t be overlooked. It’s good for us!

   Reply to Barbara

5. My wife closed to door on sex and all forms of intimacy fifteen years ago. I was deeply hurt for years. I would try again now and then, but nothing and no explanation. She gave me a “free pass” to have sex elsewhere, but “women don’t like married men. I can’t find a sex buddy. Don’t want a sex worker. I’m down to divorce at 70.

   Reply to Will

6. Dick July 26/24: Wow! Such diversity of responses. I’m older than my wife, who is a similar age as “Not Broken”….and I have sympathy for both of them. I have the same concern as her husband and ‘I love my wife a lot’. I disagree with some of the (men) about wifey being selfish…she appears to be honest. Other than Joan’s advice, I would add that ‘PIV’ may not be the primary ‘frustration’ for hubby, because the absence of genuine ‘intimacy’ is synonymous with love and sexuality.

   Reply to Dick L

7. I’m a sexologist & feel just like “Not Broken”. I never expected this!! Like NB, I feel like I’m not at the mercy of my hormones anymore. I’m in charge of my life’s direction. Like readers suggested, I had sex anyway – out of a desire to please my partner and be a loving spouse. I really did not want it – I mean, the body doesn’t lie. This had a cost. It’s been a year since I last said yes. I needed to have my “no” respected & feel loved for me. Kissing is feeling ok, so we’ll see…!

   Reply to Amy

8. she is broken tho. She has left the marriage – emotionally.

   Reply to David Dods

9. Perhaps “broken” has an endocrine imbalance which might be aided by an endocrine specialist

   Reply to Burt Odenheimer

10. Have you considered that a hormone imbalance may be contributing to “broken’s” situation? Perhaps an evaluation by a Gyn or endocrinologist would be in order.

    Reply to Burt Odenheimer

    1. Women who are post- menopausal don’t have any sex hormones. This is one reason they have lost desire for sex. There is no remedy for this. I tried taking hormones and didn’t make any difference in my libido.

       Reply to Sassy

11. Perhaps if they did things together, take care of the farm, things with the grandchildren together. Then enjoying things together as a couple as well as helping each other, maybe laughing, fun things that they can do together. That could lead to more intimacy in their relationship in a positive way which may then lead to seeing each other the way that they used to. Enjoy your partner and laugh at silly stuff. My husband is gone, I would love to have the option to try these things again!

    Reply to DeniClem

12. I can relate. I’m older than my husband and like someone else commented I have unresolved resentment that goes back years. I’ve asked him to go to counseling (no to everything) get a jacuzzi type bathtub, take dance lessons, those are a couple things I think would help me feel loved & loving. He tells me he has no interest either which I don’t believe. I think now he does himself. I’ve told him100x if he treated me like he loves me like in front of other people but I’ve always felt invisible.

    Reply to Charin

    1. I also can relate. Though my husband is nine years older. I also feel invisible. I love to be social and interact with people. Especially making new acquaintances. He does not, nor does he want to do anything. He is happy to just sit all day. I recently retired. This has been a very difficult time. As, far as sex. He had prostrate surgery over 20 years ago. The surgery has left him impotent . He has no desire at all. Though looks when a pretty woman passes by. I feel unattractive, & unloved.

       Reply to Lynda

13. “I am busy with the farm, the animals, the home, and my grandchildren. I am happy and content”
    Sorry Joan, I disagree with the ease that you let this ‘so called’ loving partner off the hook. To me, the second sentence tells the story. A major rift occurred in our marriage when my partner became too busy doing community ‘good works’ and ignored a partner with whom she had enjoyed some pretty nice years. Take some time out from ‘ being busy’, and rekindle that love….and passion…and OMG…SEX

    Reply to Dave 85

    1. What “hook” is she supposed to be on? You seem to be asserting (as so many men have for so many centuries) that it’s her duty to have sex with her husband whether she wants it or not. Actually, you seem to saying that it’s her duty to want it. Human bodies just don’t work that way. If she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t want it.
       Joan advises her to see a therapist with her husband so they can find a loving compromise that works for them both. You advise her to be a different person.

       Reply to Alison S Loris

       1. Sorry Alison, but I didn’t mean to imply that it is a women’s ‘ duty ‘. Nothing is more worse than being a ‘dutiful ‘ partner. A man can’t fake it….a women can, and that is even worse. A charade ! An insult. What is missing is the desire, and one wonders why that desire has waned.
          “But I have no desire now — not physical, not emotional, nothing. And I don’t miss it.” Those last 5 words, to me, a very telling. I wonder if she ever did. Desire I mean, not duty. In any case, how sad.

14. I appreciate Not Broken’s eloquent explanation of their couples situation. Joan’s response to gave a complete listing of many of the things that the couple could try. Not Broken could try writing out a list of the suggestions in in Joan’s reply. After thinking about each suggestion, the couple could talk to a sex therapist about their situation. Not Broken doesn’t need to change but the situation does.
    Many of us would be interested in learning about how the situation was handled.

    Reply to John Balassa

15. Wow, good luck figuring this one out. I’ll keep checking back to see what other comments come in.

    As my mother in law used to say, “Close your eyes and think of the Queen”.

    Reply to Charlie

16. I cannot thank “Not Broken” enough for helping me understand where my wife is in her life. She’s happy in our life. Our children are grown and doing well. And she’s fulfilled in her career. But as far as sex goes she said that she just doesn’t see me that way anymore.
    Do I wish things were different? I would like to experience the pleasure and connection we’ve had for most of our 40 years together. I’ve been thinking that she’s responsible for my sexual happiness. She’s not, I am.

    Reply to David King

17. Hi, I reread “Not Brokens’ post and I noticed these phrases “I gave him”…children, grandchildren, years of good sex, experimental and otherwise and fidelity. She spends time with “her” children and grandchildren (not “ours”.) These phrases, along with the loss of desire, makes me wonder if she’s done with her husband in general. His presence might be convenient in her life set-up – but not a joy. She “loves him dearly” but…..is there a deeper issue? Resentment? Unspoken conflict?

    Reply to Ruth

18. Joan, thank you for your honest response, there are many alternatives. Sadly, I hear this more often than I would like. But it is still always sad to hear about these situations when with current medicine, there are solutions.

    Decades ago, I read: “Sex is only 10% of a relationship, but when there is an issue, it becomes 90% of the problem.” Since we are living into our 90’s, sexual issues need to be addressed.

    Reply to Joan Irvine

19. I agree that working with a sex therapist may help this couple create a mutually satisfactory agreement. As I see it, that would include the wife remaining celibate by choice and the husband finding sexual pleasure with one or more other partners. Essentially, their monogamous marriage would become an open relationship. That would be a common and healthy resolution.

    Reply to Mac Marshall

    1. Sorry Mac….the husband, in my mind, wants his wife….not a piece of tail. He doesn’t just want sex, he wants the woman who has turned to “I am busy with the farm, the animals, the home, and my grandchildren. I am happy and content” rather than considering the feelings of the guy she( so called ) loves.
       Joan’s response includes ” used to be very important isn’t anymore. ” It is VERY IMPORtANT….so she should at least, make an effort.

       Reply to Dave 85

       1. If he “wants her,” does that mean he loves her, and if so, why doesn’t he care about her feelings and what she wants? Why does everyone side with the person, (usually the man, but not always) who wants to have sex, as opposed to considering the feelings of the person who no longer wants to have sex? FYI, I am a woman (67) and I want to have sex, but not only can my husband rarely have sex, when he does, he doesn’t do any of the things I would like to do. He just wants PIV and be done.

    2. She doesn’t think she is broken but she is, unfortunately this IA a very real scary situation but altho the husband does not want he needs to accept the marriage is over , divorce her and move on

       Reply to David