Sex & Relationships

How an Older Woman Can Reach Orgasm Faster

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Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

My husband and I are in our late 60s. I still have a strong libido and love having sex at least twice a week. My problem is that these days, I take so long to orgasm. I take bioidentical hormones and we use lubricant, so sex is comfortable. I feel sexy and eager, but I just can’t “bring it home” in a reasonable amount of time. This morning it took an hour!

For a while, we thought our sex life was going to be ruined by my husband’s ED, and we went through a long dry spell. None of the pills ever worked for him. That’s when I learned to masturbate. (I never did before because I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and he was my only partner.) Then I used the Internet to learn everything I could about ED and was amazed to find out that a man can orgasm without an erection. As far as I’m concerned, that alone made the Internet worth its weight in gold.

We started experimenting and rediscovered our former sex life, with some adjustments. We are very joyful with each other. We use our hands, mouths, kissing, touching. It’s like your basic teenagers in a car without birth control! It just takes me so long….

My husband is wonderful and he always says he doesn’t mind how long it takes me, but I mind. I feel terrible for what I put him through! He wants to get me there and will keep trying for as long as I want to.

We recently discovered a new approach: we enjoy each other sexually without orgasm being the goal. That takes the pressure off. We do everything we enjoy, and if someone has an orgasm that’s fine, but sometimes neither of us does. It still brings us very close to each other and makes us happy.

But when I do want an orgasm, is there anything I can do to speed things up? I tried using a vibrator, but I just didn’t like it, even when my husband tried to use it with me. —Taking Too Long

 

Good for the two of you for having great sex despite your husband’s erectile dysfunction. So many men and their partners have the mistaken idea that if the penis can’t get hard, sex is over. Far from it! If we stop believing that only a firm penis can give pleasure we open to a whole world of sexy delights. We can be sexually stimulated and brought to orgasm by hands, mouths, genitals rubbing, a vibrator, or a combination of any or all of these. And as you’ve discovered, he doesn’t need an erection to orgasm. A soft penis and its owner are capable of experiencing great pleasure with sensation provided by a partner and/or self-stimulation.

As for your question — ah, how many people in our age group would love to receive sexual pleasure for a whole hour from their partner! Of course, I understand why you feel anxious and can’t believe that your husband is happy focusing on your pleasure for that long. You’re anxious that he’s getting tired or losing interest — and your anxiety slows you down more. It’s a form of performance anxiety.

I went through this myself with my husband Robert at the beginning of our relationship. We met when I was 57 and he was 64, and our sexual connection was exhilarating, exuberant, and downright incredible. (This led me to start writing about senior sex, in fact.) However, I took so darned long to reach orgasm and was sure that he was getting bored, which made me take even longer! I finally voiced my concerns to him. He replied with a loving smile, “I don’t care if it takes three weeks, as long as I can take breaks sometimes to change positions or get something to eat!”

I advise you to do with your husband what I did with Robert — believe him when he says he doesn’t mind at all. I’ll bet that if you relax and stop worrying about taking so long, you’ll reach orgasm faster. And if you don’t, just enjoy the journey.

If you’d still like some tips for speeding things along, try these:

  1. Exercise before sex. Exercise increases blood flow to your muscles, brain and – yes! – your genitals. Increased blood flow helps make arousal and orgasm faster.
  1. Start on your own ahead of time. Take time before sex to get yourself aroused through fantasy or your own touch.
  1. Use a vibrator. I know you said you tried one and didn’t like it, but I encourage you to try others. Read my Senior’s Guide to Vibrators (https://seniorplanet.org/the-seniors-guide-to-vibrators/) and my vibrator reviews at www.nakedatourage.com. You may find that the orgasm that took you an hour yesterday will take only 10 minutes with a well-chosen, well-placed vibrator.

I love your newfound sexual enjoyment of each other without goals. You’ve discovered a real key to lifelong sexual delight and intimacy. If more of us embraced that relaxed approach to sex, we’d find more pleasure, not less. Thank you for sharing how you keep sex strong. —Joan


Joan Price is the author of the new Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”;  the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s  blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.

COMMENTS

33 responses to “How an Older Woman Can Reach Orgasm Faster

  1. Having sexual pleasures with your new or partner starts between your ears and theirs no age limit on how old( young you feel . Ive done 5 yrs study on friendships and sex. Older women can have. That spark of want .ive seen mature women with younger men and it works well and vs.versa. i myself enjoy a lady 60+ whos active not setting in a chair. The pheromones between 60+ women and men 40+ makes both people more healthy and sexually more active throughout lifes kindness and love ..

  2. My husband’s interest in making love died within a few years of our marriage. We are going on 40 years and he has had no interest at all for the last 15 years. He’s not willing to talk about it or try anything. I’m 63, he is 73. A few months ago I met up with a boyfriend from college who is 68. We had great sex back then. His wife moved him out of their bedroom 10 years ago. We spent 3 days together making love, and it was amazing to be loved physically at my age after so many years. I felt attractive and comfortable with him and he with me. He gets hard but doesn’t stay hard for long and still comes. He is a wizard with his mouth and hands. We plan to meet again several times a year.

    1. How do you feel about “sex outside” your marriage? I’m not “married”, but I (female) have been madly in love with the same woman for nearly 3 decades. I still sometimes get butterflies. We both just retired very young, so I’m not sure about meeting up with an old flame. My partner and I might discover each other. We deserve each other all over, don’t we?

  3. I’m a 65 year old woman, and for the first time in my life I’m having regular multiple orgasms. I have no idea why this is so, except my gyno said my pelvic floor is starting to descend, so maybe the internal part of my clitoris is closer to my vibrator. It’s nice but I dont know what is causing it.
    I didn’t like my vibrator at first, but if I were the lady who didn’t like HER vibrator, I wouldn’t give up.

  4. I am 76 and met a lady of 73 and we are having the best time of our life. Im on no pills and had prostate taken out but by just taking my time on this lady from toes to head I reach my climax and she reaches her orgasm every time we feel like getting wild. Slow does it and rubbing in all the sensitive places and working yourself to the final destination seams to work for us. Its actually better now then when I was young. We both had lost our spouses before we met. Its a wonderful life with the right partner.

  5. I am 71 years old and if I have intercourse regularly on a weekly basis, everything is ok, however; if I miss one week, I inevitably get thrush or a UTI, so why does weekly sex help.
    As my partner had to take kids on a school camp, we missed one week and I came down with the worst UTI I’ve ever experienced, so bad that I ended. up in hospital.
    My son had sent me texts and rang and when he couldn’t get a response, he rushed to my place and found me unconscious. He was unable to arouse me and said one side of my mouth was drooping, so he thought I’d had a stroke and called for an ambulance. We both thought I was dying and it has really traumatized me.
    Annie

    1. annie , i’m sorry you are having problems. perhaps if you keep a journal you will find that during those weeks when you are not having sec you are doing other things that you can correlate to increased infections? (increased intake of sugars or alcohol? increased exercise and wearing snug gym clothing? water drinking? taking baths instead of showers? if you are using sex toys, are you sanitizing them every time?) also, with a journal you may discover that it is not the occasional absence of sex but the dietary and hygienic practices after sex that protect you. be well!

  6. Lets be realistic:
    UK research some years ago concluded that some 14% of women (all ages) either frequently failed to orgasm, or never reached orgasm.
    I can’t recall the details but it sure indicates the problem is widespread.
    As for helping people with the advice that “it’s the journey that counts” & it matters not how long it takes; well that is just silly, & similar advice from a doctor would be unacceptable.
    Age does take it’s toll on men & women, some earlier than others but generally it’s fair to say women will lose interest earlier than men.
    In a healthy relationship when this crops up both participants can help greatly by not focusing on reassurances & experimentation. Just get on with life!

    1. I’ve been married for 30 years and 13 years of no sex life with husband now 61 he has ED and diagnosed With colitis. Just wondering if what is going on. I tried asking him what’s went wrong but he change topic all times. He probably not interest him anymore. I still want to have those intimacy but I feel like he’s avoiding it. He used to be a good sensual partner but now not at all. BEBE

  7. I am 79 and no sex. I found a lady that has been widowed for 21 years, and I for 11 months. She was dating another guy until he dropped her after a relationship for a while. Now I visited her and she will not date but will have a cup of coffee at her house periodically. She has been okay with that but after I took flowers to her she didn’t return my phone calls for about three weeks now. What am I suppose to do now, and hoe long will it take to wait? I have not made any sexual attempts yet.

    1. Jim

      Look further afield. There must be other ladies who may be interested. There is no rule tht says you can only look in one direction at a time. Go window shopping, and see who yo find.

  8. I’m 49 and my husband is 67 years ago we use to bring the house down with sex,now it’s been almost a year or more since we had sex and now I’m having a affair with a 58 year old man that makes me feel so good in bed.my husband drinks alot and when we were having sex my husband would belch liquor constantly I don’t drink I tried to talk to him about it and it just goes out one ear so now I’m having affair but want my husband make me feel good not this man.

  9. How can I achieve orgasm again?
    I am a healthy 70 yr old female and take no meds.
    Is there anything a physician can prescribe or anything I can do?
    My boyfriend is 62 and I don’t want him to know it is difficult to orgasm for fear of losing him.
    I’ve only been like this for a couple of months.

    Thank you.

  10. My husband is not interested in me and hasn’t been for over two years. I have had no sex for three years and when I have tried masterbation I have no sensation. Should I keep trying or just give up I’m 71 but I’ve only tried a couple of times.

    1. Hi I I have the same problem with my wife not having interest anymore I had to try many things myself in order to stay sound and mind, you can reply back if you like maybe discuss it more,
      Thank you

      1. She may need a little testosterone. It is the driving force for libido men as well as women! She can visit her Dr for Bioidentical T cream or pellets inserted under the skin every 3-4months. The pellets have revived my libido after many years. They have been used since the 1930’s and are the size of a grain of rice but can make such a difference in you well being as well. At 59 my husband can’t keep up with me. We may have to get him some too!
        .

    2. Don’t you dare give up ! You’re a real catch,there’s a nice man out there waiting to take on the challenge and both of you will enjoy every moment of getting you to that ” oh God” point.

  11. You people are considered lucky for being sexually active at your age but it is depressing in my case,my wife seem to have entirely lost interest with sex for the past few years. I am 67 and she 63.

    1. Campe. That is not unusual. In my case its never a given that my wife will be interested. From everything I have read in this case you don’t want to stop. Masturbate if you must. But do not stop having sex

  12. Luckily, medical opinion is that every woman should be able to have orgasms – if she really wants.
    Furthermore, results from research carried out in the UK in 2014 suggest that the majority of ladies are capable of multiple climasex – if they want to have them, and if they have an understanding, supportive and proficient accomplice. A real man always thinks to satisfy the pleasure of his woman. It can help you (with this difficult job) to use particular object like vibrator and dildo.

    1. That’s the truth. It may not feel natural at first, but a patient couple can practice til they are comfortable and find their rhythm . There is a great book called “She Comes First.” Oral sex is a learnable skill.

  13. Excellent answer to Taking Too Long. A trip through great, beautiful countryside via train on the way to a marvelous destination is preferable to an “airbus” that flies directly to an airport at the destination. It so only if you put your goal orientation aside and pay attention to all the marvelous ways you can pleasure each other as you move toward the orgasm. In fact, making the orgasm your goal often derails the trip. It takes the focus away from experiencing the feelings both physical and emotional.

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