“Why is there a gigantic sex toy sitting on your dining room table?” Mark asked recently.”That’s not a gigantic sex toy,” I said. “It’s a Wahl Hot & Cold Therapy Massager.”
“An Advanced Pain Management Device. They sent it to me after I wrote a humor piece for the New York Times about senior back pain.”
“Yeah, but it sure looks like….”
“Something the Jolly Green Giantess would use to get her groove on when the Jolly Green Giant is out of town? It certainly does. And yet the instructions say that you’re not supposed to use it on your ‘genital areas.'”
I handed him the instructions, which had been sitting on the table with the device.
“The lawyers made them put that in,” he scoffed. “Because, of course, you know that’s the first place people are going to use it, and something could go horribly wrong.”
What could go horribly wrong? We Googled it and couldn’t find anything. So we returned to the instructions. “It says not to use it on a sleeping person,” I said. “Do you think that’s a safety issue? Or a ‘don’t annoy sleeping people‘ issue?”
“What I want to know is why it says FOR HOUSEHOLD USE ONLY?”
“Maybe they’re afraid people will plug it into the car and massage themselves as they commute?”
“Why shouldn’t they? That could only reduce road rage,” Mark said.
“According to this, Wahl invented the first electric massager nearly 100 years ago.”
“Impressive. That’s a lot of orgasms—I mean pain relief.”
“Let’s take it for a spin,” I suggested.
I stretched out on the bed and Mark plugged it in, started it up and proceeded to give me a soothing massage. The device, which is slightly larger than a blow dryer, did most of the work.
Massage aficionado that I am, I took to it like a duck to water.
“Oh that feels great.” “A little lower.” “That’s perfect.” “Oh my. Keep doing that.”
Remind you of anything? Me too. Still, if used according to the instructions, it won’t rev you up or turn you on. Instead, you’ll end up utterly relaxed.
“I’m in love,” I said after a few minutes.
We decided that Wahl Hot &Cold Therapy Massager was too formal a name for something that was clearly going to play a major part in our relationship. We decided to call the device “Mr. Yippee.”
After 18 years of enjoying a loving, monogamous union, we’ve decided to open up our relationship to include Mr. Yippee. We snuggle, then take turns administering hot vibrating massages.
Mr. Yippee has definitely enhanced the quality of our life. And, yes, as we explored everything that Mr. Yippee could do for us, we did break a few rules.
Nothing horrifying happened.
I know what you’re thinking—can you enjoy Mr. Yippee on your own? Absolutely. He’s ergonomically designed, so it’s easy to go solo. But like most things, it’s a lot more fun when you do it with a loved one.
World leaders should be required to administer hot vibrating Mr. Yippee massages to each other before important negotiations. I dream of a world where, instead of everyone being on their smartphones all the time, we’d each enjoy our own portable Mr. Yippee.
If everyone had a Mr. Yippee, would the world be a better, more relaxed place? I‘d love to find out.
Roz Warren writes for the New York Times, the Huffington Post and many other publications. She recently appeared on the “Today Show.” You can read more of her work at www.rosalindwarren.com and connect with her on Facebook and Twitter @WriterRozWarren.
This essay first appeared on www.zestnow.com