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Challenges to Intimacy: Iris Krasnow on Sex After 60, 70, 80

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Have a question about relationships and sex for seniors?  Every month Senior Planet’s award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Subscribe now (do it here) and don’t miss a single column. Senior Planet subscribers also get The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, technology tips, an online book club and more! 

 

Iris Krasnow hit the best-seller list a dozen years ago with her raw portrait of modern coupledom, “Surrendering to Marriage.” It was one in a series of non fiction books that have reflected Krasnow’s journey through life. She first became an author in her 30’s as a journalist with four children under three. Her topic: balancing work and family. Next, as she matured, came one on self-discovery and her book on the challenges of staying married.

Now, at almost 60, Krasnow is the author of the new book “Sex After…. .” In it, she investigates how people sustain intimacy while facing the challenges of life-stage transitions. She asked more than 150 men, women and experts, “What is sex like after childbirth, menopause, breast cancer and turning 60, 70 or 80?”

And wow! Did she get answers.

Senior Planet spoke to Krasnow just two weeks after “Sex After…” arrived in bookstores and started getting attention from sources as varied as “O” the Oprah Magazine and the Washington Post.

You’re in a long marriage and you’re approaching 60. How do you feel about sexuality now and did you find a common thread among the older women you interviewed?

Over 35 years, thousands of people have told me the most intimate details of their lives. Women have talked to me about shattering the myth that after menopause you have low libido. These women were enjoying more sexual satisfaction and intimacy than they did in their youth.

Women are living longer than ever, they’re outliving their husbands and partners generally, and they’re dating again. Because of the extended life cycle, because of better drugs, because of heightened fitness levels, women are not only living longer they’re living better.

I love growing older. I feel more youthful and energetic and hopeful than ever.

Your book is filled with surprises, but perhaps none as revealing as those in the chapter “Giddy Golden Girls.” Since you’ve been writing about relationships for 35 years, was there anything that surprised you when talking to those women over 70?

I talked to young people who were shocked at old ladies having sex. And there’s another group of people that say, “They do it. That’s great, but I don’t want to know about it.” And there’s me – I knew it was going on, but I didn’t know the extent of it. I think the surprise for me was also about the power of intimacy over the power of sex.

This need for intimacy is a major theme running through “Sex After… .” You write about how intimacy evolves and often makes sex better later in life. But you also say that sex is a bridge to intimacy. So one can lead the other and vice versa?

Sex is never just sex. Twenty-year-olds who are ‘hooking up’ are hoping the sexual chemistry will lead to some kind of emotional connection beyond the physical hookup. And I didn’t talk to one person over 60 who was single and dating and wasn’t looking for both the sexual chemistry and the emotional commitment.

One of the experts you quote, Dr. Melanie Davis, co-president of the Sexuality and Aging Consortium, says, “A pervasive myth is that older women stop wanting to be sexually active after menopause… It’s also a myth that the quality of sex declines with age.”

Even though we’re in 2014, the image of the sexless grandmother still exists. I’ve met the spunkiest, most sexually active women who are in their 70’s and 80’s. These women are vibrant and strong and care about sex.

Another myth is that is that “happily ever after” just happens automatically. You really need to put sex on your to-do list. People have to remember to be sexual. It takes effort and work; it’s a process.

Some women reading about the giddy golden girls – those seniors in your book who are having the best sex ever – may feel they’re somehow not up to par if they don’t want to have sex several times a week.

Sexuality matters to us until the day we die. How we manifest that is different for every woman. There is no gold standard. There is no perfect sex life. What matters the most is how you feel about your sexuality, your level of desire and your libido. You want to communicate your sexual expectations, desires and performance levels to your partner and for your partner to be on the same page. Problems arise when you don’t match.

There are women who are post-menopausal, have lost their libido and don’t want to be on hormones or use the “vaginator” that stretches female sex organs. There were a few women I interviewed who were in intimate relationships with men whose libido matched theirs. They had zero interest in sex and were happy just hiking in the woods.

What about the sexuality of a woman who doesn’t have a partner and may not want one?

One woman I spoke to had been married a long time, had enjoyed a great sex life and now can’t imagine being with another man. She says, “I’m just not interested. I’ll go to the opera. I’ll play tennis. I’ll golf. But I don’t want someone in my bed.” She is the woman who gets a vibrator, and it may be her first. Some women just never thought of pleasuring themselves. They grew up feeling it was naughty and had a lot of guilt about it. For them, this is a new adventure.

Vibrator sales are huge. I can tell you that a big chunk of that industry is sales to women over 60.

Several of the older couples in your book are masters of “outercourse” or are attempting to master it. Is that a word you made up? What does it mean exactly?

Outercourse is a word that I heard over and over again among people active in the sexuality-and-aging field. It means “everything but…” It’s lovemaking without penetration, but that involves kissing, nuzzling, hugging, oral sex… everything but. It’s pleasuring each other with sexy talk. Perhaps it’s erotica or sex toys. It’s playful and comes in quite handy as you age.

That’s really what many women enjoy – young and old: taking your time and exploring each other physically. One 70-year old woman attended a Tantric sex workshop with her husband where they were exploring conscious loving, not just slam-bam sex.

I love the idea of a kind of naughty, playful, arousing alternative to hot sex, which isn’t always possible. And by the way, it’s not always possible for people in their 30’s either, or right after you’ve had a baby.

And men? Their ability to perform changes with age, too, and, as you point out, after prostate surgery.

There is the 85-year-old Viagra King who wants to be rock hard, but I’ve interviewed 43-year- old men who are taking Viagra for performance issues. Everyone is so anxious in this world. Part of the success in sexual intimacy and sustaining a relationship is being able to relax and feel comfortable and nurtured by the person you’re with. One of the most profound messages in my book is to pick the right person in the first place.

Prostate issues are really important. I interviewed one of the top urologists in the country, Dr. Mark Soloway, and his warning to all men is don’t be so quick to go under the knife. If you’re 73 and you have a slow-growing cancer, it’s probably not going to kill you. Soloway is a big proponent of active surveillance. That’s a very important message for men with a high PSA and women with newly diagnosed men. (Click here to learn more about active surveillance for prostate cancer.

Another expert you talked with, Deborah Nichols, a board-certified women’s health nurse practitioner, says older women lose the tingling sensation of being aroused and have to rethink the nature of desire. Does that sensation weaken in men, too?

In the end, it’s all about blood flow. Men get an erection from blood flow. Look at the obese man sitting on the couch and slugging back beers who can’t get it up. Instead of going to a physician and getting five prescriptions, get on a treadmill buddy and stop eating the fettuccine with five-cheese sauces! Give it a try.

I’d say the same thing to a woman. As I get older, I eat less and I exercise more. And it’s got to be more and more, honey, as you get older.

“Sex After…Women Share How Intimacy Changes as Life Changes” (Gotham Books) is available now in hardcover, for Kindle and as an audiobook. Find it on Amazon.

Have more questions about sex for seniors?  Every month Senior Planet’s award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Subscribe now (do it here) and don’t miss a single column!

 

COMMENTS

112 responses to “Challenges to Intimacy: Iris Krasnow on Sex After 60, 70, 80”

  1. Try closing your eyes and relax, especially during oral sex, you are older and just like I tell my wife, just close your eyes, relax, enjoy the feeling and don’t get in a hurry, it’s natural for older woman to take longer till orgasm, stressing or worrying it’s taking to long to have an orgasm will kill you mood, lubrication is a must. Works for my wife, in order for my wife to have an orgasm she requires oral sex, which I love the taste of my wife’s pussy, so I just tell her to relax and enjoy

    Reply to Jim

  2. Turning 61 in February. Haven’t have full on penetrative sex since 2009. Not that I lack desire. I lack a partner, and I can’t and WON’T settle for just anyone. I’m tired of masturbating. I don’t go for married men and I won’t go pitching for the other team, either. So I guess I’m alone and celibate for the rest of my life. Such as life.

    Reply to Born Again Virgin

    1. Don’t know where you live. But here in Albuquerque where I currently live for my Federal job, we have a Singles Meetup that is geared toward 50s up. We have nights out to hear bands and dance, hike, bowl, go to restaurants, local festivals etc. It is such a great way to meet and mingle. I met my boyfriend of 10 months thru this group. I encourage you to use Meetup as an option. I don’t encourage online dating. Heard too many bad stories.

      Reply to Laurel

    2. I think you need to rethink this your only 61 and have masturbated before from what you said so you must not have a problem with touching yourself and know what you like which has to make you a better lover than most or a lot better than some maybe you think about friend with benefits someone you like who’s a good person I’m a younger than you and don’t think there’s anything better feeling than time with a good lover just something to think about

      Reply to T. A. Sickman

  3. so besides cheating, is there any other possibility for you to not cheat on your wife? How about a vibrator for yourself? Men can masturbate so its not about sex, is it? Why don’t you talk to your wife about why she is happier in her own bedroom? Nothing to do with you eh?
    Women have known we can enjoy erotic pleasure without men, you are unnecessary except for some chromosomes? Haven’t men figured that out yet? For yoursleves? I mean, gosh you have a handle to grab.

    Reply to mike

    1. My husband had surgery for bladder cancer and his prostate was removed along with his bladder. He is totally fine(besides having a bag). We have not had intercourse since his surgery in 2018. We had the pills to help but he spend the whole time admiring himself so by the time it comes to us doing anything it doesn’t work. He does require me to perform oral sex on him every Sunday. He says he wants to make me happy but he doesn’t remember how anything works. I have given up on sex. We sleep in separate rooms because he snores and smells terrible for lack of personal hygene. We are in our mid 60’s. He works all the time(blue collar-mechanics,landscaping) and says he does it all for me. I can’t leave because he says he will kill himself if I do and I can’t live with that. Is there anything I could give him to make him not want BJ’s anymore getting tired of it.

      Reply to Kathy

  4. hi. I certainly understand your scenario…you expressed things well. I’m a 70 yr old man who foresees sexual arousal with increased excitement towards the many ways pleasure can be enjoyed…as a wonderful ongoing adventure. Creative mutual intimacy produces that, doesn’t it?
    I love the spontaneous thrill of the moment, any moment. The day to day can and should stay refreshing and purposed towards that end….

    Reply to bob

  6. i am 84 yr old male, my wife stopped having sex or any intimacy shortly after a heart valve replacement operation 18 ears ago. I understood and accepted it but she gave up cuddling, hugging at any time and a peck on the cheek or lips passes for a kiss. As i grew older we moved into separate bedrooms which she likes very much. We now live almost s brother and sister.
    about 6 yr ago i met an attractive woman in our exercise class and we both found that we loved sex not always penatrable sex {in fact not most of the time} but we both enjoy giving and receiving oral sex,notalways to climax(most of the time not) , 69 and often just holding one another naked and fondling, talking dirty and generally enjoying ourselves..i and she find this more than satisfying at our age . We both have all of the problems of
    old age but we continue to enjoy each other and what we call horney sex! yes, i’m still married and her husband is passed on 10 yrs ago. My point is sex is enjoyable at our age but it is not the sex you see in the movies or in porn. The woman and the man have to both want it . I for the life of me don’t understand not wanting it and all of the good, no, great feelings that go with it. Please don’t respond with negative comments about my cheating on my marriage, this is not abdavidout that.

    Reply to david

      1. Thank you Cruella,
        We all learn about sex when we have the body of a young person. No one has that body for very long—so if we don’t develop a vision of sexuality that fits the body we eventually grow into, we’ll be stuck with an obsolete picture, and our sexual experience (and self-esteem) will suffer. Our creator designed sex not only to create children and give pleasure, but as an amazing way to consistently to consistently know and stay connected with our mate on a biological, emotio

    3. I’m in a similar situation, without having actively looked for or found someone with whom I could share intamacy. there’s a piece of me that considers it “cheating”, but I’ve been missing it for over 25 years now. Thanks for sharing what you’ve managed to find and to love.

      Reply to MARTIN KAPLAN

    4. My first question to David is:
      Does your wife know about your extra-marital partner? My second question, if she doesn’t know, how would she react if you told her? And do you know her well enough to trust her answer. I ask because I was married 42 years and never knew my wife after that long, to know the answer to a question of that magnitude.
      So, be careful in your actions, if you still care for your wife.

      Reply to Dick

    5. I am in the exact same situation I’m 74 My wife has physical problems and doesn’t desire it any more. We have spoken about this many times but it always gets tabled We love each other in d wry other way. So I applaud you I just wish I can find a female person ( one of those golden giddies)who also just wants outer course Lots of kissing in all places as described above because sometimes I feel like I’m going out of my mind

      Reply to Barry

  8. Nice to find these comments from people my age about sex and also dating. I am a widow 7 years now. I still love to have orgasms with a vibrator and do so several times a week. I don’t like to try to date again since it is very hard at this age to meet some one new. I need chemistry with someone, trying to meet online does not show me if that will happen, and can lead to disappointment on my end and possibly for them too! I would like to meet someone very much even with that being said. I just do not get out much and I live in a state I did not grow up in and that limits me socially in having long time friends I can hang out with. I would like to have some pen pals to talk to!

    Reply to Brendaelk

      1. My girlfriend of over six years is 84 and we are enjoying a very satisfying love life, we have intimacy with damn good sex every time we are together, I am 68. Rick .

    2. I love this subject. The last time I had sex was at age 77. He was not a guy who could stick around and do real emotional intimacy, plus distance was an issue. It was 4 months of computer writing, texting daily and 4 months of dating. When it ended I was heart broken. We even had sex on the kitchen floor. I am turning 80 this week. I am beautiful and in great shape. I stopped paying for the dating services, there are few free ones. I think God will take care of who I meet if anyone. I feel sexy and sexual, put purple in my hair this week. Have good energy. I have had surgeries to keep going etc but am a survivor and cute. Maybe my sexual days are over, maybe not. The best I can do to be happy is to stay in the now and trust and rely on God.

      Reply to leila deurell

      1. You are amazing. You attitude will keep you in the know and that will take you where you want to be. I’m 75 and some of my husbands male friends say they won’t to have sex with me. I guess because we’re older it’s not offensive to me. They are not covert sneaky or impolite but I kinda like it. I don’t really know how my husband feels about it. He says it a compliment at our age. Go figure!

      2. hi. I certainly understand your scenario…you expressed things well. I’m a 70 yr old man who foresees sexual arousal with increased excitement towards the many ways pleasure can be enjoyed…as a wonderful ongoing adventure. Creative mutual intimacy produces that, doesn’t it?
        I love the spontaneous thrill of the moment, any moment. The day to day can and should stay refreshing and purposed towards that end….

    3. Hi Brenda, My name is Tony, I live in Sacramento, California and I’m a 67 years old white male that I think I would get along good with You. My wife just passed 2 days short of a year and I don’t have any idea how I found My way to what you wrote but why question fate? But anyways do You feel like maybe getting to be friends? Sincere Me

      Reply to Anthony Zidek

    4. Dear Brendaelk,
      I am 80 years old and you express some feelings that I share. Maybe some communication could allow an acquaintance to develop. I am in good health, walk a couple miles 4-5 days per week. 5’9” weight 190. No pot belly.

      Reply to Phil Houston

    1. HI Ben,
      I just seen your reply and of course I was intrigued when you said you would date me! I consider myself a fairly smart person and I do not know why meeting a man seems so hard for me to do. It seems like I am gonna be alone and not have a male friend at this age and that sucks! Most of us enjoy a partner for many reasons. If you can reply I would enjoy talking to you.

      Reply to Brenda Elkins

      1. Hey Brenda you responded to the wrong post not to Ben and it’s not my business but I thought it was cute y’all reached out and I wanted to make sure you knew your post didn’t go to him!

    1. I was very interested in reading about sex after 70, it was great to know I am not alone in desiring sexual pleasure. Women in my age group just do not discuss sex,it is like it doesn’t exist. I was 70 when I bought my first vibrator, still laughing about that. It was way large, too large, I threw it away and got one more appropriate to my body. Thank you for sharing this information.

      Reply to Louise

  11. My girlfriend is 75 and I am 54, she is the best thing to ever happen to my life, we have so much fun and the most amazing sex, I could not imagine even thinking about any other woman again.
    I have always been considered mature for my age, even when I was 15, and she is the eternal teenager, so we competent each other perfectly.
    Age should never be an issue, it is about how you feel and how you feel together with the one you love.

    Reply to Stephen

    1. I just turned 72 years old. It is difficult for me to come either through masturbation or sex anymore. This really just started to happen within the last five or six months. I am in good health my weight is proportionate to my height and I workout 3 to 5 days a week with free weights. I am taking losartan and rosuvastatin. I do not take any vitamins at this time. What can I do to come more? Thank you

      Reply to Richard D Goldsmith

    1. I’m going on 70 this year and I’m still as horny as 30 my problem is I’m not to cute and my body well is going south if you know what I mean. I would like to have a friend with benefits but am not sure anyone will like me or except me. You see my x left me because I was not good looking anymore . I don’t think I’ll ever be there anymore. So don’t that me I’ll never have anyone ever again . Hope not still young at heart help

      Reply to Joanne sitko

      1. What a nice site. Revealing candid discussions of private desires reassures me I should spend time here.

        I am 65, married, and mismatched with my wife libido wise. She is delighted with every 2 months.

        When at he beach I see women and wonder if at their age and physical condition they could still be interested.

      2. Joanne I hate you see yourself like that- I bet you are gorgeous! Beauty doesn’t have one definition! Lines and wrinkles and folds and scars all tell a story and really can be beautiful! Someone will be so lucky to meet you!

      3. Oh girl, where’s your self esteem, get up dust yourself off and go find you a man, there out there trust me, go to your senior center, you’ll thank me, good luck, don’t give up, you’re beautiful always remember that

      4. Hi. It s Jan 2023. We are the same age I love my wife but there are physical problems sbd no desire there. After 3 years of pandemic and bring 74 i believe that beauty is in one’s behavior I m happy with lots of kissing outercourse is all that I’m capable of. Yes I do it alone Of Kate I feel like I ll never experience intimacy
        Again snd that makes me sad

  13. I am 79 in great shape ( not kidding ) look like I am in my 60’s , unfortunately my wife suffers from numerous illness . Once she was a beautiful woman , now she can hardly walk . We traveled had a great physical relationship now nothing. I am her caretaker . When I am out alone I often get pick up proposals from women . I don’t know how to tell her , she is proud , but I don’t want to hurt her by having some kind of physical encounter that would put her health in danger.

    Have any advice?

    Reply to ernest ciccone

    3. Y ou married got better out worse in sickness and in health. Please don’t cheat on your wife. There are other ways. I am a widow and miss intimacy snd hand holding. Even when my husband was alive and quite disabled I could still lie next to him or in his arms and we could cuddle and kiss. If your wife found out you were cheating in her for whatever reason, I think she would be devastated. Just sayin’

      Reply to Dolly

  15. Thank you so much for this very interesting article. So many people seem to think that as you get older your desire for sex and ability to perform diminishes. I was told a very long time ago by a teacher that if you look after your body that it will look after you well into old age if you are fortunate to live that long.
    We need to change the culture towards our elders and realise that we’re no different from younger people, just older and hopefully wiser. But no less sexy or sexual.

    Reply to Michael Watson

  16. There are a lot of men over 60 looking for sex with other women because their partner has lost interest in sex or
    has medical issues. There are two sides to every story and part of the issue could be some men just wanting to take care
    of their needs. This leads to their partner not being satisfied and not wanting sex in the future.

    The funny thing is others in the same age range have their best sex. This is due to more free time and more experience to
    name a few. Why do you think many young men want older women? The younger men know the older women are more
    experienced and better lovers.

    Sex helps you sleep better and increases happiness. It improves the body’s immune system. It helps you lose weight by
    burning calories, and sometimes quite a few.

    Orgasm is great, but sexual afterglow is better for the relationship long-term. The holding, cuddling and kissing after sex increases romantic satisfaction.

    Men who are one and done especially after 5-10 minutes often leave the woman unsatisfied. I would highly suggest taking
    care of her needs with your fingers, tongue or toy. Best to do this before you have an orgasm. She will love it. This will lead
    to sex more often and both of you will be happy.

    Reply to Jerry

  18. I am reading this article and comments about and from all these 60+ menopaused women having wild sex and sex desire… I honestly cannot understand, I had a complete histerectomy when I was 33 but my sexual desire started declining about 9 years after my surgery, and completly gone by my 44th birthday, I am 51 now and still now ZERO sexual interest, hormones are out of the table due to cancer risk… my doctor tells me this is the same issue all women go thru during menopause and even if they take hormons, it doesnt get much better… so, I would like to know what these 60+ menopause women do to have that wild sexual desire?

    Reply to Rosa

    1. My wife is 60. She is not really into sex any more, but she loves me and likes to see me happy. I get oral to climax twice a week. It takes 15 minutes and makes me a much happier husband. It has worked for us for years

      Reply to Don

  19. I am a 60yr old widow who was fortunate enough to meet a widower 5 years ago and the sex was amazing for 6 months – then he withdrew from me almost overnight. He has never really kissed me the same way again or made love to me passionately. I have asked time and time again why but he says “it’s just him” . I am heartbroken as I thought I had been given a second chance at happiness.
    We love each other and we live together and get on well but I am a really tactile and passionate woman and have been all my life. We rarely have sex now and when we do it’s not at all fulfilling. I just think he has lost attraction towards me and therefore I feel unattractive – even though other men seem to like me. It’s difficult to know what to do if you love someone – but you hope they will change. I don’t know if I should seek a sexual relationship elsewhere. I’m too young for celibacy. But I hate cheats.

    Reply to Polly

    1. I’m in a similar relationship, the first few months were exciting in the bedroom, I lost a partner after a battle with cancer and sex with a new partner was emotionally difficult, I felt we had good chemistry. Then, everything shut down. I struggle daily with why. He is 67 and I 54. He is a great cuddler, but now the mention of sex makes him angry. It is taking a toll on my self esteem

      Reply to Michelle

  20. I’m 61 and my husband is 60. We’ve been married for 11 years and have had a really good sex life until recently when he started having problems maintaining an erection or staying stiff enough to penetrate. So now every time we try to have sex, he panics and starts trying all kinds of different positions or wants me to keep on giving him oral until he’s absolutely ready to penetrate. My body does not do these the things he wants me to do anymore. My hips start giving me so much pain, I could cry. Still he thinks it’s up to me to continue to ‘work’ with him until he gets ‘better’. We aren’t 20, 30, 40 anymore. I want to try more gentle, more foreplay type sex. He doesn’t like it that way. I have multiple orgasms, we use olive oil or coconut oil as a lubricant. I used to love sex, but now I dread it. It’s like being in a triathlon. It wears me out and it just isn’t fun anymore. He gets offended that I feel that way. Selfish? Yeah. Big time. I just wish that he’d realize that things DO change and it isn’t always a bad thing.

    Reply to Deborah

    2. Debra
      You have the right to tell him you have needs. That if he insists that his way or the highway? You have many years ahead of you. Living under his expectations will; over time? Hurt your sense of self.

      Can you envision 10, 20 years of this life style

      Reply to Bluefin

  21. I am going into my 86th year and have been fortunately to have had a very constant lover my same age for over 30 years. We are both past the point of sexual gymnastics. For several years, he has had difficulty climaxing, but I am able to help him become aroused enough so that we can have intercourse. I think he has remained a constant is that I am multi-orgasmic which gives him great pleasure. We also have what we call “discursive sex,” which means we talk a lot while we are engaged but not necessarily active. Our favorite time of day is a sunny afternoon during which the sun streams across the bed. What I am also discovering is that we nap together, especially since he has bouts of insomnia. After reading about the problems that others have, I think we are both very fortunate.

    Reply to Fortunate

      1. Hey Jesse,
        My fiance and I have the best sex life. Unfortunately. I get very dry. Silicone lubricant doesn’t work for me.Do you have any suggestions for me.

    2. Well, I think you may have some people telling tales or you simply haven’t talked to enough. I have three girlfriends over 60 including myself. None are have vaginal sex anymore. Because hormones are not an option (cancer in the fam.) Atrophy does happen and it is not an easy pill fix. It’s extremely painful to have actual intercourse. And, unless you are married or partners with a sadistic jerk, they aren’t going to enjoy watching you in pain. So, they certainly do other things but not that. And this whole idea that lots of women over 60 are having giddy sex is kind of silly. As. bodies, even fit bodies are still changing inside and sit ups aren’t going to make it better. People say stuff and they make up stuff in particular about sex. I know, I’ve heard women talk about it even in my small groups and they are not having an easy time with all the changes. Men may be taking pills but women aren’t because they haven’t done enough research and older bodies react more strongly to side effects.

      Reply to Wendy L Schmidt

      1. Wendy you speak the truth. I have ED but still have the desire. My wife has lost the desire and after her operation it was painful. She pleases me orally but it make me feel guilty. I “googled” how to please a woman orally. Learned what to do but it was embarrassing . I could not please her because she didn’t care. None of this is her fault. I am the one with the sex problem. Money can fix my problem but the other drugs and medical procedures are very expensive. I’m so broke I can’t afford to get it up.

    3. Im 65 years old and my girlfriend is 60 . We have been using coconut oil as a lube for about 3 years now. Theres nothing better, if you get too much, you just rub it in to your skin, its edible so when shes goes down, its perfect. I love massageing her butt with it!

      Reply to Paul

  24. I had prostate cancer when I was 50. I am now 70. I only ever asked my wife for sex one time about six months after my prostate was removed. She refused. I probably couldn’t have done it anyways. That was one of a number of reasons why we are no longer together.

    I have been with my girlfriend for ten years. We used to have a good sex life for the first two years we were together. She says it hurts. OK I can deal with that. We don’t have to have intercourse. There are a lot of alternatives. I’d be happy with cuddling, making out, and perhaps oral sex once in a while.

    I used to be able to get and maintain an election. I can’t do that now. I feel like life is passing me by. I don’t want to cheat but I have on a couple of occasions and, frankly, will again. I do masterbate but that certainly is not the same thing. I just want to feel desired as a man – as a sexual being.

    Reply to Edward

  25. Married 50 years no kids and my husband never wanted sex, intimacy just nothing. For some reason I don’t know why I stayed married to him. That was a huge mistake, over time I had a hysterectomy and he was happy that typical male problems arose like E/D. He never slept with me and still doesn’t, he sleeps in a bed room down stairs.

    Reply to DeCaf

      1. No he doesn’t just has not desire or really like women. He has been followed many time and these people told me he’s a boring person. Does all the common stuff people do when out on there daily routine.

  26. All during my 51 year marriage I had great organisms, they would reach such a peak, it was great. My husband was diagnosed with diabetes and in the process lost the ability to have a erection. He no longer reached out for me and just kinda left me high and dry. I would satisfy myself and that worked for a while till he got really sick and my mind went to caring for him. He passed away and I eventually found a new man. We had tremendous sex, but I could never have the great organisms I once had. I would get really aroused but never really climax. It would be great for him as I would stay aroused. I have tried fantasizing but that doesn’t work the way it used to. I want to feel that old feeling of a climax that just totally relaxes me and feels so great. Any suggestions?

    Reply to Joy

    1. I am married but due to my Wifes health problems I lost the touch and intamacy, we too had great sex but now find I am left to my own pleasures, that gets a bit boring at times, and long to find a Lady of similar needs to fulfil those pleasures again.

      Reply to Davidm

    2. I just turned seventy my husband is the same age. He has slowed down sexually to almost nothing anymore. I on the other hand crave sex more now, than when I was in my forties. He makes fun of me when I tell him I have needs. I love the fact that younger men look at me in that way and regretfully I have even flirted with some of them. All that does, is make it worse and I’m getting tired of always having to take care of myself.

      Reply to Jean

      1. maybe you need to get someone to use for taking care of your needs and nothing else if you and your husband get along in the other parts of your marriage

      3. It’s great to hear that woman still have wants and desires like men. I think woman that become disinterested at an older age never really had an interest. I feel that way about my wife. We have always been more like roommates rather than lovers. It’s unfortunitly that people can’t have that heightened level of love and passion. On top of that it should be a normal function but it’s not for everybody. I am looking for someone to share those feels with like many of the people on here.

    3. I dated somebody over 70 like that who used to tell me it was his libido that caused the decreased sexual desire. I’m 15 years his junior. I thought he was conservative and very respectful of me until I learned he had a girlfriend half his age who was engaging in secret love acrobatics several times a week. I don’t trust anyone’s word who goes so long without sex, unless it’s me.

      Reply to Anayansi

  27. One thing I learned from a bout of endometrial cancer that lead to meeting with doctors and nurses who are part of the sexual health unit, is that older and/or post-menapausal women need to consistently MOISTURIZE the internal vaginal tissue help them stay healthy whether or not the woman is sexually active. This will make doctor examinations bearable. There are products that are specialized for this need. LUBRICATION to ease sexual intercourse is in addition to the moisturizing process.

    Reply to JP

  28. I just turned 60 but have the energy and sex drive of a 23 year old and have had for all my life except when my blood pressure went haywire and untreated for 20 years, Then i came close to dying, I was saved and now i am back to the old me that i had hoped to have left behind I want to be spayed or whatever! I have sexual desires all the time but no guy is ever interested! Vibrators and dildo’s won’t do. I want the real thing. For the last year i have tryed everything. I can think of to get out there and and dance ect. No offers. I lost weight i exercise i fix my hair ect. i guess i am just to wild for most men, and or very independent and strong. I am a head banger but and old one. Where do old head banging women go to hook up? Looking for men only.

    Reply to Rocker chick

    1. I don’t have an official answer…..Some of us who are married have been dormant for a long time. Some of us guys share the same frustration….My wife does a million wonderful things…but because of some physical conditions on her side ….orthopedic type and hormonal and to be fair…on my side effects of certain medicines handicap my ability to finish…..But I’d love to meet somebody willing to try the buddy system, so to speak…I’ve heard some people call it ” two people helping each other out”…….I’m 68, but it would nice to meet someone who could understand that …I’d hate to feel that I will never know that experience again ….just a few hours of foreplay would work for me ….It would be good enough for me…with little silly small talk mixed in And I would do my best to please that “buddy”…It would be nice to meet a person who would understand that. -NYC

      Reply to barry

      1. I am a 56 yr old woman who after my husband died and I had to have a hystoretomy hadn’t been with a man in 13 years. I now have been seeing someone whom I’ve known for years. I never thought I would ever get that “WANT TO FEELING” back but, I have. He is 66 years old and we have never had sex do to him not being able to get an erection. Personally, I’m not even sure if I could even get it in me if he did. LOL. I have talked to him about it but with the high blood pressure and the rest of the meds he is on if it is even possible. I long for that love. What can we do about it? He really doesn’t want to take more meds. I know its about the blood flow but how to get it to flow to the right part is the question. Any suggestions?

    2. I’m a older male and in about the same boat. I love sex a lot but I also love the closeness and feeling and caring for another but can’t find any older women that seems to want the same. It’s hard to find a women like yourself but maybe some day I will.
      Good luck on you quest

      Reply to Ron

  29. I am 60 years old, have no major health issues, am active and carry about 15 extra pounds. This is just another article that makes me feel like I am from another planet. I have not been terribly sexually active, but all I have heard over and over for the last 20 years or so are these reaction articles – “Yes we older women do like/have sex!” – to stereotypes that I don’t ever actually hear articulated. Who cares what young people think about older women and sex? My message to young women would be have as much sex as you can while you are young – you don’t have forever, and being sexually active will prolong whatever you can do. I have heard so much about how much older women have/enjoy sex that I assumed when I got there, with a little lubricant, I would too. I assumed that if I met a man that I was attracted to, my low libido would bounce back. I was shocked this year when I had a pap smear and just getting the speculum in felt like I was being stabbed with a knife. I don’t even enjoy masturbating without penetration much, everything is dry and uncomfortable. I feel lied to. I feel like I am being shamed for not being sexually up to par and told I am a freak. I don’t believe I am a tiny statistical outlier. And, having just started to realize that things will need more than a tube of lube to be functional again, I have only begun to think about hormone replacement. BE HONEST – How many of these sexually active women are taking hormone replacement? What are the real options? How much do they cost? Are they covered by insurance? I want to know if ANY of these older sexually active women are doing it simply on exercise, eating right, and proper attitude. I wager you will find very, very few. If I am correct in this, this kind of article is downright misleading.

    Reply to Janet Ra

    1. Janet, I too feel almost betrayed by the media and constant bombardment that we must have sex constantly to be happy. Frankly, I’m sick of the free love baby boomer generation and Hollywood. Sex and the quest for sex is at the center of everything to them and they push it on the world.

      I’m a guy in my early 50’s, married, still have kids at home and in college. Frankly, it would not bother me if I never had sex again. Still love my wife, but wow, all the time, effort, money, just for a few minutes of physicality? I’ve been through testosterone replacement therapy. Wreacked havoc on me and made me very sick. Tried Viagra so at least she could get something, but it gave me such a headache I thought my head would explode, and then it caused blurry vision that was severe enough I went to the eye doctor. He said no more Viagra, this might be permanent.

      As I get older I find I have trouble watching TV, movies, etc. it’s all sex. Even the cartoon movies have hidden sex jokes and situations. Why? It’s not needed. I don’t want it and don’t need it. I prefer the old movies on TCM over the crap produced today. Only thing I can do is not support them by not buying or renting, which is what I do.

      At some age the sex stops. It’s at different ages for everybody, but the body does not last forever.

      I’m not unhappy. I love my life and family. I am active in the community. I go to church. I don’t sit at home doing nothing. Since turning off the TV and movies and actually living life without all the society and media crap I find myself a lot happier.

      Reply to Jim

    3. I am a 58 yr old female,I’ve always been a 100lb. Petite woman,and I started at the age 50 with night sweats,the soaking my clothes,no concentration,low sex drive.about a yr ago and I started het pellet therapy,oh my I started feeling energy and able to sleep,noticed I wanted to be intimate all the time,and it helps with mood and bone pain went away.i can say I’ve did the yr of the pellets and it’s a every 3 to 4 month insert,its planted in your upper thigh,your blood work is taken to see how low your body is on hormones,it works and I finished the yr and thought I’m ok without it,plus it cost me 1,700 a yr. well after not having hormone therapy I’m miserable,my chin area is broke out,it’s all back the old symptoms,although no sweats at all.soo I’m looking to go back on hot replacement,I loved the results,be sure to check out who you go to.my husband was given to much pellets and had to much estrogen,he’s 66 and it caused him to not want sex and made him like a crouch old woman,so make sure the dr.you choose has a degree in hormonal ureplacement therapy,or if you choose creams there’s a lot more test involved.they have payment arrangement to and it’s worth every cent,it also slows aging process down.you take care of your outer body why not the inner that makes you feel good and why not have sex everyday,cause after about 3 to 4 weeks your love life will be wonderful.i know I’m almost 59 and in a week I’ll be back to the way I think any woman would like to feel and enjoy life,it’s worth it,no more tiredness and headaches are gone,better memory for me,hope my words of this experience of hurt pellet therapy will be of some encouragement for those who want quality of life.enjoye your life as well as you deserve the best of life.

      Reply to Pam bonanno

    4. I am a 68 year old female and I LOVE sex and intimacy…. My libido is high and I get wet naturally…. no lube needed…. my ex boyfriend had ED and refused to even talk about it… So… am I an anomaly? I’m on a dating site and even though I’m attractive and look 10 years younger than my age…. I’m not attracting men!

      Reply to Nancy

    5. I am 72 year old woman and love sex and intimacy. I am fortunate enough to find a younger partner that is on the same wave length as me. I take no hormones or supplements etc but I try to be as active as possible and watch my diet somewhat.

      Imo the key to satisfying and wonderful sex is the partner, chemistry and attitude. We are in our golden years and sex/ intimacy need to be taken great care of.
      I don’t find this article is misleading at all.

      Reply to Carol Kaye

    6. There is no reason in this site for anyone to miss lead someone else. I think it’s genetic and the way your were made it’s like broccoli you with like it or you don’t. My wife doesn’t even like being close, hugs etc. We are like brother and sister, I am her handyman., but probably further apart than that. Loving someone and being close to them is health. I can’t even get close to her.

      Reply to Dave

  30. I am 58 and my spouse is 65 says I don’t keep him aroused and claims he has a erection issue,but wants no sex with me touching him,he wants oral with me only,not me touching him,why does he want to get on a site to bring other younger women to our home for sex with me knowing,and it should be ok.he thinkswe should have other partners in bed with permission only .p b.

    Reply to Pamvbonanno

  31. I totally agree with most of the comments. Age is simply a number. My wife and I are 78 and 72 respectfully and enjoy an exciting sex life and unparalleled intimacy. Sex and intimacy mean different things to different people. We can enjoy intimacy on a daily basis without necessarily having sex,. Each of us require different strokes. Uncompromising trust and confidence in our partners combined with honest and open communication is key to maintaining our sexuality and intimacy as we age. Health, age, and frequently job loss contribute to our willingness and ability to nurture and engage in intimate moments. Please enjoy the following videos regarding job loss, breast cancer and aging my wife and I have shared with the Huffington Post.

    https://seniorplanet.org//www.huffingtonpost.com/phil-parker2/job-loss-and-intimacy-lets-have-a-conversation_b_12011434.html

    https://youtu.be/nINpgcXNhyI

    https://youtu.be/aF5_ZcPrDco

    Reply to Phil Parker

  32. My husband is 72 and I’m 69 ! Our life was never filled with sex of any kind I lived without it for about 40 years. He got bored with our sex life, I wanted it only one way he wanted to experiment! That
    decision I made ended all his sex interest and he said that if we can’t do different things then he didn’t want sex any more. I don’t know how he did it but just shut ourselves off. He moved himself to the midnight shift at work and slept in our basement bedroom during the day. He worked all holidays and all family get together’s. He never cheated with any other women or men. In the last 20 years or so I haven;t seen him or talked to him. He’s been retired and keeps to himself, he enjoys working on cars and target shoots with his friends. We don’ t associate with each, we just do our own thing.

    Reply to Amy

    1. A lot of marriages are like yours. Mine is. It’s sad and not healthy. Because I love her it is and she doesn’t feel the same I really don’t like being around her. I don’t feel like asking my wife to be passionate and loving is too much to ask. In my eyes we shouldn’t be married but I feel there are a lot of women out there like her. Why can’t we can’t be in love with someone forever like we were when we first met. The relationship should get better not worse.

      Reply to Dave

  33. I stumbled upon this website. I am 59, had 3 children and enjoyed my marital relations. I have problems now due to my uncontrolled diabetes and his refusal to accept my body has changed. I am not, the teen he married! I have defended my position without getting through to him about my situation. He does not read much, so he isn’t aware, most older couples suffer “internal” problems. I wish this was in Spanish, so I could share everyone’s comments, to tell him, see I’m not the ONLY woman going through this!

    Reply to N. L.

  37. We are 73 years old and my husband wants sex. I would like that too, but I just can’t get into bed, have sex and nothing else. I want some loving all along the way–a hug, a kiss, a pat on the butt, etc. I just don’t like for him to grab my breasts or grab my crotch. This is a turn off. He refuses to hug, kiss, touch me without sexual intent.

    How can I get him to understand what I need so I can happily get in the bed with him?

    Thanks.

    Reply to Juanita

    3. i lost my partner 2 years ago[brain tumor] i am still interested in intimate relationship..my problem is two fold..one..partial ED. and the other not knowing how to be social..like at a senior`s center [i am 75 years old] how do i know if another woman is interested in this type of relationship?…….are there signs?”

      Reply to jack

    4. Hi,
      I wish to say the following reading about a 70 wanting or agreeing to have a sex with her husband but has no fore play and just wants to grab.
      I am 75 and my partner is 70. When meeting her 3 years ago, after 6 years without her spouse that had passed away, in which time they had no sexual relationship for 32 years due a medical condition, I started talking to her. In our talks she mentioned that after an operation she felt all of a sudden a high emotional hot feeling in her pelvis region. The Dr informed her not to worry she just had a orgasm. This was het first in 42 years.
      Her husband passed away 6 years previous to me meeting her.
      Now to answer the lady about wanting to be sexual involved but no grabbing of any sort.
      I have spoken to my partner many times and told her of many turn ons and found her listening. Then we went one step further to see if light toughing of her breast and teasing of her nipple brought about excitement to her. This is a test as many females have not the slightest sexual arousement in touching her breasts. No grabbing. If arousement should be felt one could start touching her body and carry on until she nature of time allows one to play into the vaginal area and feel free and comfortable in becoming one.
      I feel this lady mentioned above should spent time in showing what excites her and become the teacher and the pupil will follow. I can now say that my partner has entered a new life. We enjoy our sexual relationship that is NOT TIME BASED. it may start when laying in bed in the morning and just holding and cuddling. Getting up and going out and when driving touching each other and NOW she enjoys the light caressing of her breasts. The teasing of each other and the unexpected places when arroused having part of a sexual act. Time and place is now no dream but a fact. We enjoy sex more than once per day on rare occasions but regular sex, 4/5 times per week a fact. My partner has in the last time experienced more than one orgasm in our sexual encounter and admits that without penetration it is deep and strong but …….on occasions my partner has had a start of an orgasm without penetration but once penetration she has reached the top has had 2/3 orgasms with the last just not wanting to end.
      So my advice to this 70 year old is to become a teacher or maybe there is someone out there which you have still to find.

      Reply to Mike Fourie

      1. That is such wonderful news. I am 70 and my partner is 72! We enjoy sex almost daily. A lot of fore play, talking, touching, oral, massaging…etc, etc. experimenting helps as long as you both are honest and agree.

      2. I am 65 and my wife is 60. We have been married for 9 years. This is my 4th marriage and her first. She had only 4 relationships before me, all at least 5 years. I have been with over 25 women in 45 years. When my wife and I met, we dated long distance for 9 months, before she lost her job and we decided to move in together in my home state where most of my extended family lived. Our sex life was at least two times a day and we cuddled and were ffectionate throughout the day. I have two minor chidren from my 3rd wife and they live with us 50% of the time. She has no children, but was pregnant one time and lost the child.
        Our sex life diminished to 1X day after 5 years and then 1x a week until this last year where sex was infrequent. Lately it has been over 2 months since we had sex or intimacy of any kind. She never enjoyed oral sex, giving or receiving and doesn’t like to have her breasts caressed or kissed. WE talked about our different libido needs and she told me 3 yrs ago, she would talk to her doctor, but wouldn’t consider hormone therapy because of teh cancer risk. She did nothing for a year and we discussed again the 2nd year and she tried hormone patches which she would conveniently forget to use. After discussing again in year three, she made the same promise to look at alternatives with her doctor, but never pursued. Hence, it is going on year 5 and sex is non-existent. I have no ED problems, except ejaculatory issues due to BPH which restricts urine and semen expulsion. Recently the doctor put me on Cialis, which is used for BPH treatment and ED. Fortunately, my prostate is relaxing, allowing for more urination and semen expulsion. Unfortunately, it also gives me rock hard erections, without a willing partner other than my hands.
        Its not just the sexless marriage that bothers me, but the lack of affection and intimacy on any level.
        I am retired, starting my own business after a lengthy executive career and she owns her own retail business. I help her with her business because I have more free time.
        I’m seriously thinking about leaving her and maintaining a friendship to find someone who needs a fulfilling sex life like me. I have suggested therapy, but she rejects the idea becuse she is in denial about my needs and sees the situation as normal for older people like ourselves. If I live to my parents age, I don’t want another 25 years without sex or intimacy. I know this is selfish, but I can’t believe she will be shocked when I leave her. I won’t giuve her an ultimatum, because her promises have been hollow for the last 4 years and I believe any renewed comittment would only be shortlived. She is a good friend and I believe we would remain good friends as long as I didn’t expect her to befriend a new woman that entered my life.
        Neither of us is dependent on the other financially and I would never leave her in the lurch, so to speak. By the way, I would not cheat or begin a new relationship until we became separated.
        DR

    5. He is fortunate that you also enjoy the little things. Very romantic. Makes things all that much better when you make love. It’s nice to feel loved and appreciated 24/7. All women should be like you.

      Reply to Dave

  38. Are there any solutions to wanting to get laid but pain too great. I cannot use hormones. Thought I’d use dildoesntomhelp stretch me but, what can I say, after 2 children and a rather active sex life until ad recent as 5 yesrs ago, they aré too big. Lubricants don’t work as husband doesn’t like them.
    i love receiving but not giving oral sex (sound selfish, but it’s mental – I get physically ill.). I know I’ve thrown lots of stones in my way, but I was wondering if there are any “progressive” dildoesntomhelp that might help to stretch me slowly.
    I know this is rambling, but I’d really LO e to,have some sort of intercourse. My flame has not died.
    Each time we try, we fail and end in frustration. Anyone out there find a solution to this? I’m sure I’m not alone.

    Reply to 68andstillawanthotsex

    1. I,m 73 fit and still very interested in sex. My wife suffers from Parkinson’s and is not interested in any sexual contact. I do masturbate but this is not satisfying. My wife has said I can seek sexual satisfaction else where do I start?

      Reply to Ray Lewis

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